There have been many definitions of a gentleman, but the prettiest and most poetic is that given by a lady. "A gentleman," said she, "is a human being combining a woman's tenderness with a man's courage.” Two ladies and Mr. Thaddeus O'Grady were conversing on age, when one of them put the home question: "Which of us do you think is the elder?" "Sure," replied the gallant Irishman, "you both look younger than each other." A dentist who, having labored in vain to extract a tooth from a lady's mouth, gave up the task, with this felicitous apology: "The fact is, madam, it is impossible for anything bad to come from your mouth." A lady being desirous of a dyer, was referred to an excellent workman, who was something of a wag in his line. The lady called and asked:-"Are you the dyeing man?" -"No, ma'am; I'm a living man, but I'll dye for you," promptly replied the man of many colors, putting the emphasis where it was needed. A fashionable countess asking a young nobleman which he thought the prettiest flowers, roses or tulips, he replied, with great gallantry, "Your ladyship's two lips before all the roses in the world." A Frenchman wishing to compliment a girl as a "little lamb," called her a "small mutton." A gentleman told a lady that she was wondrous handsome, who replied, “I thank you for your good opinion, and wish I could say as much of you."-" You might, madam," said he, "if you lie as readily as myself." A Russian proverb says: "Before going to war, pray once; before going to sea, pray twice; before getting married, pray three times." Adam, of all husbands, was the least hen-pecked. Whenever Eve would begin to remind him of his shortcomings, he had only to say: Madam, I hope you haven't forgotten that little affair of the apple." A story is told of two dogs which fell to fighting in a saw mill. In the course of the tussle one of the dogs went plump against a saw in rapid motion, which cut him in two instanter. The hind legs ran away, but the fore-legs continued to fight, and whipped the other dog. A barber, for a time, kept a spirit lamp to heat the water used in shaving his customers. Finding the lamp rather expensive, he discontinued its use, and sent down to his kitchen for hot water as he might need it. A customer missing the lamp, asked the barber how the water was procured? "Oh, no trouble at all now," replied the tonsorial artist, "my wife keeps me in hot water." A young man was seen coming hurriedly out of a business house, which he had entered to seek employment as a salesman. Did the boss engage you as a salesman?" "No, he wanted me to travel," was the ambiguous reply. A passenger on a Western railroad, being aroused by the whistle of the engine, said: "The train has caught up with those cattle again." A man with only one eye asked for admission to a show at half price. "You can't do that again," said a pig to a boy, who had cut off his tail. It was the mother's voice calling: "Jane, it is eleven o'clock. Tell that young man to please shut the front door from the outside." A countryman traveling in a street car, pulled the bell strap vigorously, and made the bell ring at each end. "What are you ringing at both ends for?" said the conductor. “Because I wish the thing to stop at both ends." The daughter of a toll-gate keeper always allowed her lover to pass free; she never tolled her love. "I go through my work,” said a needle to an idle boy. “But not until you are hard pushed," said the idle boy to the needle. "And how does Charlie like going to school?" kindly inquired a good man of a little six-year-old boy. I like goin' well 'nough," replied the boy, ingenously, "but I don't like stayin' after I get there." In the course of his pastoral visitations, Rev. Mr. Chalmers called upon a worthy shoemaker, who, in recounting his blessings, said that he and his family had lived happily together for thirty years without a single quarrel. This was too much for the doctor, who struck his cane on the floor and exclaimed:-"Terribly monotonous, man! terribly monotcnous." What is that which is full of holes and yet holds water? A sponge. What lock must be looked for out of doors and on the ground? Hemlock. Why is the letter S likely to prove dangerous in argument? Because it turns words into s-words. I'm up and down, and round about, Yet all the world can't find me out, Though hundreds have employed their leisure They never yet could find my measure. Circle. Why is twice ten like twice eleven? Because twice ten are twenty, and twice eleven are twenty-two. (too.) What is the difference between a postage-stamp and a lady? One is a mail fee, and the other is a fé-male. Why is a baby like wheat? Because it is first cradled, then thrashed, and finally becomes the flower of the family. Fifty is my first, nothing is my second, Five just makes my third, my fourth's a vowel reckoned; Now, to make my whole, put all my parts together, I die if I get cold, but do not mind cold weather. L-O-V-E. Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge? Because it must be ground before using. Why are fowls the most economical things on a farm? Because for every grain of corn they take they give a peck. What is the difference between a belle and a burglar? One wears false locks and the other false keys. At what season did Eve eat the apple? Early in the fall Why will the emblems of America outlive those of England, France, Ireland, or Scotland? Because the rose will fade, the lily will droop, the shamrock will wither, and the thistle will die, but the stars are eternal. What is the difference between the Prince of Wales, a bald-headed man, an orphan, and a gorilla? The prince is an heir apparent, the bald man has no hair apparent, the orphan has nary parent, and the gorilla has a hairy parent. In what two cases are precisely the same means used for directly opposite purposes? Why, bars, to be sure. They are put on bank windows to keep thieves out, and on jail windows to keep them in. What three words did Adam use when he introduced - himself to Eve, which read backwards and forwards the same? "Madam, I'm Adam!" Why was the first day of Adam's life the longest? Because it had no Eve. Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company. Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam. What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards. When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He gets wet. Which is the greater number, six dozen dozen or half a dozen dozen? Why, six dozen dozen, of course; six dozen dozen being 864, and half a dozen dozen 72. A room with eight corners had a cat in each corner, seven cats before each cat, and a cat on every cat's tail. How many cats were there? Eight cats. If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A bee-attitude. Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork. When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs? When he has a sty in his eye. Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want puttin' out. What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag. What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip. A girl asked an apothecary for castor oil, to be mixed with something that would disguise the taste. On being asked if she liked soda water she said: "Yes." The apothecary gave her a glass flavored with lemon, and the oil. She lingered, and presently asked for the oil again, when the man told; her that she had taken it in the soda water. "Oh, gracious," she said, "I wanted it for my brother." At a legal investigation of a liquor seizure, the Judge asked an unwilling witness: "What was in the barrel?" The reply was: "Well, your honor, it was marked 'whiskey' on one end of the barrel, and Pat Duffy' on the other end, so that I can't say whether it was whiskey or Pat Duffy that was in the barrel, being as I am on my oath.” 66 "Did you say you considered Mr. Smith insane?" asked a lawyer of a witness in a criminal case. "Yes, sir, I did.” 'Upon what grounds did you base that impression?" "Why, I lent him a silk umbrella and five dollars in money, and he returned them both." "Sammy, my son, how many weeks belong to the year?” "Forty-six, sir." "Why, Sammy, how do you make that out?" "The other six are Lent." A young man once told Dr. Bethune that he had enlisted in the army of Zion. "In what church?" asked the doctor. "In the Baptist," was the reply. "I should call that joining the navy," replied the doctor. A tipsy loafer mistook a globe lamp with letters on it for the Queen of night. "Well," said he, "if somebody ain't stuck an advertisement on the moon." The following notice is posted conspicuously in a publication office down East: "Shut this door, and as soon as you have done talking on business serve your mouth the same way." An Irishman on beholding Niagara Falls, said: “What is there here to make such a bother about?" "Why,” said a companion, "see that mighty river pouring over into the deep abyss." "And sure, what's to hinder it ?" said Pat. A bashful young man escorted an equally bashful young lady. As they approached the dwelling of the damsel, she said, entreatingly: "Zekill, don't tell any body you beau'd me home." "Sary," said, he emphatically, "don't you mind, I am as much ashamed of it as you are." |