What is that animal which has the head of a cat, and the tail of a cat, and the ways of a cat, and yet which isn't a cat? A kitten. Why is a watch like a river? Because it won't run long without winding. When could the British Empire be purchased for the lowest sum? When Richard the Third offered his kingdom for a horse. Why is a young lady like a bill of exchange? Because she ought to be "settled" when she arrives at maturity. Why are credulous people like musical instruments? Because they are often played on. What is the difference between man and butter? The older the man is the weaker he gets, but the older the butter is the stronger it is. What is the difference between the trunk of a tree and an elephant's trunk? One leaves in the spring and the other leaves whenever the menagerie does. What fort is that which is most stormed now-a-days? Piano-forte. What light could not possibly be seen in a dark room? An Israe-lite. When does a man look like a cannon ball? When he looks round. Why is the letter B like a hot fire? Because it makes oil boil. What is that which no one wishes to have, yet when he has it would be very sorry to lose it? A bald head. Legs have I got, but seldom walk, I backbite all, yet never talk. A flea. Why is an invalid cured by sea-bathing like a confined criminal? Because he is sea-cured. (secured.) When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it. What is the greatest stand ever made for civilization? The ink-stand. When does a public speaker steal lumber? When he takes the floor. Why is the letter A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it. "A very fine sermon, Mr. Jones," said Deacon Brown to the parson at the close of service yesterday, "several laps ahead of anything you ever gave us before." "Yes," replied Parson Jones, blushing slightly, "I think myself that I made a pretty good score." Thus doth the virus of the walking match permeate and pervert all classes of society. Webster defines an "ornithorhynchus" as "a beast with a bill." Most people in describing such, abbreviate the word to the last syllable. "I occasionally drop into poetry," as the man said when he fell into the editorial waste basket. They were seated on the sofa where they had been for four long hours. "Augustus, do you know why you remind me of the Chinese?" No, dearest; why?" "Because you won't go." The meeting then adjourned sine die. 66 Mrs. Smith (emphatically) "Poor Mrs. Siren! They say that she has been ordered to a warmer climate. Do you think she will go?" Mrs. Brown (grimly) -"No, not while she lives." "I'm no sectarian," said Job Shuttle, as he grew warm in religious argument. I believe every man ought to be a strict Presbyterian," and then he looked around in wonder as an audible smile wafted into the evening air. A Memphis darkey who stole a mule tried to engage a lawyer who once saved him from prison. The lawyer said he could not help him until he paid his fee in the former case. "Why, boss," exclaimed the disconsolate darkey, "I stole dat mule 'specially to sell him and pay you.” At last accounts he was still without a legal adviser. The Court, austerely: "Prisoner, how did you have the audacity to break into this man's house at midnight and rob him?" Prisoner (piteously): "But, your Honor, last time I was before you you wanted to know how I could have the audacity to rob a man on the highway at high noon. When do you want me to get in my work?" A bear, wishing to rob a bee-hive, laid himself down in front of it and overturned it with his paw. "Now," said he, "I will lie perfectly still and let the bees sting me until they are exhausted and powerless; their honey may then be obtained without opposition." And it was so obtained, but by a fresh bear, the other being dead. They were riding in the horse car past the poet's door when one of the ladies remarked, "That's Longfellow's home." "Is it?" responded the other carelessly. "Yes," said the first, "and don't you admire 'Excelsior?" "No, I don't," replied lady No. 2, with energy. "I hate it. There's nothing like curled hair, after all, though husks ain't so bad; bu' I wouldn't have excelsior again in the house." "And you say you still suffer from indigestion ?" "Constantly." "Then you have not followed my direction?" "Oh, yes, doctor; just as you directed. I only smoke after meals." "That is to say?" "That is to say, from noon till seven in the evening, and from eight in the evening till midnight." The meanest man on record sent through a post office presided over by a woman a postal card on which was written: "Dear Jack: Here are the details of that scandal." And then the rest was in Greek. "Do you think you'll be able to pull through?" anxiously inquired the needle of the thread. "Eye guess so," was the curt response. Mistress (on coming home from the seaside)- -"Why, Jane, what's become of the bullfinch ?" Jane-"Well you see, m'm, it didn't say much and looked droopin' like, so cook put it out of its misery, an' I 'ad it stuffed for my 'at." "When I was an infant," said Jones, "the women were forever kissing me. And," he added, "I have done what I could to get square with them since I have grown to years of discretion." THE SPEAKER'S GARLAND IN SIX VOLUMES. Vol. I contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 1, 2, 3, 4. Vol. II contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 5, 6, 7, 8. Vol. III contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 9, 10, 11, 12. Vol. IV contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 13, 14, 15, 16. Vol. V contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 17, 18, 19, 20. Vol. VI contains "100 Choice Selections," Nos. 21, 22, 23, 24. Each Volume of THE SPEAKER'S GARLAND combines Four Numbers of the "100 CHOICE SELECTIONS" Series in one book, arranged under a general heading and an alphabetical index, printed on beautifully toned furnished in elegant binding;-containing over 750 pages;-making truly a paper, and "Garland" of imperishable flowers, alike useful and ornamental in every Parlor, Reading Club, Library or Forum. Price, per Volume, Green and Gold, $1.75. Six Volumes, (making the complete set,) $8.00. FOR THE SAME READING, IN A CHEAPER FORM, GET THE "100 Choice Selections" Series Embracing the above SIX VOLUMES in EVERY NUMBER DIFFERENT. NOTHING REPEATED. Price, per Number, Pamphlet Edition, 30 Cents. Cloth-Bound, 60 Cents. A REDUCTION FOR THE FULL SET. A COMPLETE LIST OF CONTENTS OF THE ENTIRE SERIES WILL BE SENT FREE ON APPLICATION. P. GARRETT & CO., Publishers, For sale by all Booksellers and Newsdealers. 708 Chestnut St., Philadelphia, and 130 East Adams St., Chicago, Absalom. OF THE "100 CHOICE SELECTIONS" SERIES. Death of Slavery, The. |