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XI.

THE HAPPY CANDIDATES.

Pleasant is the Union between Doughface and Slaveholder, when the People are to be cheated.

WHEN the time came for the nomination of candidates for the Presidency, the Order of Ignorami selected, as had been before determined, a Doughface for President, and a Slaveholder for Vice-President. For as slaveholders were growing odious in the nation, the proprietors of the Order considered it politic to do the work of Slavery by putting forward a Doughface for the higher office. Being very suspicious of the free North, they naturally supposed the People to be suspicious of them;— fearing the People, they thought they were themselves distrusted.

Now accident brought the two candidates together after their nomination, and they improved the occasion to congratulate each other on their good fortune, and confer on the policy they should pursue, if elected.

Said the Doughface: After the signing of that Fugitive Slave Bill, I thought my prospects of nomination to the Presidency were very bad indeed. I had gone down as low in subserviency to your

class as I could. Not that I would not have gone lower, if I had seen any advantage likely to arise from such action. But the People were becoming alarmed, and indignant at the existence of such a law, and I feared that even the Slave Power would not dare to put me forward as a candidate again. I notice that a public man must not do too little for your class, for then you distrust him; nor too much,' for then you are fearful of his popularity in the North, and so reject him on the score of availability. You gentlemen of the South are a very exacting set to labor for. It requires a very nice combination of meanness, audacity, and cunning, to hold the first place in your favor, and thus stand fair for the Presidency. The present occupant of that office, it seems to me, possesses the first two qualities in perfection, but rather fails in the third. I flatter myself that, while the first two are no less. pronounced in me, the third is in my composition more nearly on a par with the other two, than in him. I think I am a more natural candidate for the Presidency than he, in the present temper of the public mind. It is by my specific gravity, so to speak, in these three qualities, that I have risen like a soap-bubble, in the guise of an Ignoramus, to the very outermost surface of popularity. No puff-ball ever rode on an agitated horse-pond more triumphantly, than I shall bound over the waves of the political caldron during the present canvass. So much does a man owe to intrinsic worthlessness for his success as an Ignoramus. And after all, I am somewhat amazed to find myself a candidate

for that high office. At times, I half suspect that I may have been of some advantage to the People, and that therefore I am nominated. But when I think of the Fugitive Slave Act, I know that my usefulness never secured me this great honor.

No, said the Slaveholder, it was not because you are any friend to the People that you are a candidate. The man that could sign the Fugitive Slave Bill, is our friend, not the People's. It was those three qualities of which you spoke, made so conspicuous and so illustrious by the signing of that Bill, which stamped you as ours. The man who, born in the North, can come forward voluntarily to aid us in humbling the People, and riveting still more closely the chains of our slaves, is the man whom we delight to honor. To honor, I say, that is, to give him office and money. You were nominated by us to be used. And if you are willing to be used, you shall have office and money while you live. As to your reputation, after you are dead, we Slaveholders cannot promise you much that is valuable. But possessing the three qualities of which you spoke, you probably care little about that. What do you propose to do if elected?

Of course, said the Doughface, I shall do all that in me lies to perpetuate the thrall of the Slave Power. I do not see how an Ignoramus can do any thing else. I should like to try my hand at a compromise, but the present incumbent of the presidential office has so nearly spoiled that business, that I think nothing more can be done at it. The establishing of Slavery in the free States, seems

to me the only open field in which laurels are now to be won by a President. The extending of areas of Freedom southward may perhaps give me a little occupation. But if I were only President again, I am sure I could hit upon something quite as ingenious as the annulling of the old Compromise.

That you would find hard to excel, said the Slaveholder. But you need have no concern. We will find you plenty to do. Only be subservient, and consent to be used, and we will pay you in such kind of coin as you can appreciate.

As to myself, being the owner of a hundred slaves, though you may occupy the higher office, I shall naturally wish to lead, and be the real President. You would consent to that?

Of course, said the Doughface.

Then we shall have a very harmonious administration, said the Slaveholder. You occupying the Presidency, and I taking the precedency, all things will go on smoothly.

That it will, said the Doughface; and may we be elected!

There is little doubt of our success, said the Slaveholder. You know that I wear the skin of a dead lion.

I know it, said the Doughface. But can you not manage to stretch it so far over me, as to cover one of my ears?

Not well, answered the Slaveholder. By so doing I might expose one of my own; and you know the People do not need to see both ears of an animal

to tell what it is. I will, however, lend it to you occasionally, if you will not attempt to roar. wish to do all the roaring myself.

To this the Doughface consented, and after agreeing upon a time to make trial of the lion's skin, they parted in good spirits.

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