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and is amazed to see in it, 'My lord, I re- per season; on which account this is to asceived your grace's commands, with an en- sure you that the club of Ugly Faces was tire submission to-.' If he is at an enter-instituted originally at Cambridge, in the tainment, you may see the pieces of bread merry reign of King Charles II. As in continually multiplying round his plate. It great bodies of men it is not difficult to find is true, the rest of the company want it as members enough for such a club, so (I rewell as their knives and forks, which Me- member) it was then feared, upon their nalcas does not let them keep long. Some-intention of dining together, that the hall times in a morning he puts his whole family belonging to Clare-hall, the ugliest then in in a hurry, and at last goes out without be- the town (though now the neatest) would ing able to stay for his coach or dinner, not be large enough handsomely to hold and for that day you may see him in every the company. Invitations were made to part of the town, except the very place great numbers, but very few accepted where he had appointed to be upon a busi- them without much difficulty. One pleadness of importance. You would often take ed, that being at London, in a bookseller's him for every thing that he is not; for a shop, a lady going by with a great belly fellow quite stupid, for he hears nothing; longed to kiss him. He had certainly been for a fool, for he talks to himself, and has excused, but that evidence appeared, that an hundred grimaces and motions with his indeed one in London did pretend she longhead, which are altogether involuntary; ed to kiss him, but that it was only a pickfor a proud man, for he looks full upon pocket, who during his kissing her stole you, and takes no notice of your saluting away all his money. Another would have him. The truth of it is, his eyes are open, got off by a dimple in his chin; but it was but he makes no use of them, and neither proved upon him, that he had, by coming sees you, nor any man, nor any thing else. into a room, made a woman miscarry, and He came once from his country-house, and frightened two children into fits. A third his own footmen undertook to rob him, and alleged, that he was taken by a lady for succeeded. They held a flambeau to his another gentleman, who was one of the throat, and bid him deliver his purse; he handsomest in the university: but upon did so, and coming home told his friends he inquiry it was found that the lady had achad been robbed; they desired to know the tually lost one eye, and the other was very particulars, Ask my servants,' says Me- much upon the decline. A fourth pronalcas, for they were with me.' X. duced letters out of the country in his vindication, in which a gentleman offered him his daughter, who had lately fallen in love with him, with a good fortune; but it was made appear, that the young lady was amorous, and had like to have run away with her father's coachman, so that it was supposed, that her pretence of falling in love with him, was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the several excuses which were made, insomuch that some made as much interest to be excused, as they would from serving sheriff; however, at last the society was formed, and proper officers were appointed; and the day was fixed for the entertainment, which was in venison season. A pleasant fellow of King's-college (commonly called Crab, from his sour look, and the only man who did not pretend to get off) was nominated for chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to sit in the elbow-chair, by way of president, at the upper end of the table; and there the business stuck, for there was no contention for superiority there. This affair made so great a noise, that the King, who was then at Newmar
SIR,-I send you the enclosed, to be inserted (if you think them worthy of it) in your Spectator; in which so surprising a genius appears, that it is no wonder if all mankind endeavours to get somewhat into a paper which will always live.
As to the Cambridge affair, the humour was really carried on in the way I describe it. However, you have a full commission to put out or in, and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have al-ket, heard of it, and was pleased merrily ready had the satisfaction of seeing you and graciously to say, 'He could not be take that liberty with some things I have there himself, but he would send them a before sent you. Go on, sir, and prosper. brace of bucks.' You have the best wishes of, sir, your very affectionate and obliged humble servant.' 'Cambridge.
No. 78.] Wednesday, May 30, 1711.
'I would desire you, sir, to set this affair in a true light, that posterity may not be misled in so important a point; for when the wise man who shall write your true
MR. SPECTATOR,-You well know it is
of great consequence to clear titles, and it history,' shall acquaint the world, that you is of importance that it be done in the pro- I had a diploma sent from the Ugly Club at
Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned war will there be among future critics about the original of that club, which both universities will contend so warmly for? And pernaps some hardy Cantabrigian author may then boldly affirm, that the word Oxford was an interpolation of some Oxonian instead of Cambridge. This affair will be best adjusted in your life-time; but I hope your affection to your mother will not make you partial to your aunt.
To tell you, sir, my own opinion: though I cannot find any ancient records of any acts of the society of the Ugly Faces, considered in a public capacity; yet, in a private one, they have certainly antiquity on their side. I am persuaded they will hardly give place to the Loungers, and the Loungers are of the same standing with the university itself.
'WHO confess their faults.' What hopes then have we of having justice done us, when the makers of our very prayers and laws, and the most learned in all faculties, seem to be in a confederacy against us, and our enemies themselves must be our judges.
The Spanish proverb says, El sabio muda consejo, el necio no; i. e. “A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will.' So that we think you, sir, a very proper person to address to, since we know you to be capable of being convinced, and changing your judgment. You are well able to settle this affair, and to you we submit our cause. We desire you to assign the butts and bounds of each of us; and that for the future we may both enjoy our own. We would desire to be heard by our counsel, but that we fear in their very pleadings they would betray our cause: besides, we have been oppressed so many years, that we can appear no other way but in forma
Though we well know, sir, you want no motives to do justice, yet I am commissioned to tell you, that you are invited to be ad-pauperis. All which considered, we hope mitted ad eundem at Cambridge; and I you will be pleased to do that which to believe I may venture safely to deliver this right and justice shall appertain. And your as the wish of our whole university.’ petitioners,' &c. R.
To Mr. Spectator.
The humble Petition of WHO and
No. 79.] Thursday, May 31, 1711.
Oderunt peccare boni virtutis amore. Hor. Lib. 1. Ep xvi. 2 The good, for virtue's sake, abhor to sin.-Creech. I HAVE received very many letters of late from my female correspondents, most of whom are very angry with me for abridg
That your petitioners being in a forlorn and destitute condition, know not to whom we should apply ourselves for relief, because there is hardly any man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we speak it with sorrow, even you yourself, whom we should suspect of such a practice the lasting their pleasures, and looking severely of all mankind, can hardly acquit yourself upon things in themselves indifferent. But I think they are extremely unjust to me in of having given us some cause of complaint. We are descended of ancient fa- this imputation. All I contend for is, that milies, and kept up our dignity and honour those excellencies, which are to be regarded many years, till the jack-sprat THAT sup- but in the second place, should not precede planted us. How often have we found ourmore weighty considerations. The heart of selves slighted by the clergy in their pul- man deceives him in spite of the lectures of pits, and the lawyers at the bar? Nay, how tion of passion; and I do not know why one half a life spent in discourses on the subjecoften have we heard, in one of the most may not think the heart of woman as unpolite and august assemblies in the uni-faithful to itself. If we grant an equality in verse, to our great mortification, these words, That THAT that noble lord urged; the faculties of both sexes, the minds of which if one of us had had justice done, and consequently may, without disrespect women are less cultivated with precepts, would have sounded nobler thus, That WHICH that noble lord urged.' Senators to them, be accounted more liable to illuthemselves, the guardians of British liber- sion, in cases wherein natural inclination is ty, have degraded us, and preferred THAT out of the interests of virtue. I shall take to us; and yet no decree was ever given up my present time in commenting upon a against us. In the very acts of parlia- from thence leave the reader to judge whebillet or two which came from ladies, and ment, in which the utmost right should be done to every body, word, and thing, ther I am in the right or not, in thinking it we find ourselves often either not used, or The following address seems to have no is possible fine women may be mistaken. used one instead of another. In the first other design in it, but to tell me the writer and best prayer children are taught, they learn to misuse us: Our Father WHICH art will do what she pleases for all me. in heaven,' should be Our Father, wHo art in heaven;' and even a Convocation, after long debates, refused to consent to an alteration of it. In our General Confession we say, 'Spare thou them, O God, WHICH confess their faults,' which ought to be
'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am young, and very much inclined to follow the paths of innocence; but at the same time, as I have a plentiful fortune, and am of quality, I am unwilling to resign the pleasures of distinction, some little satisfaction in being ad
mired in general, and much greater in being many, must be your chief care; for upon the beloved by a gentleman whom I design to propriety of such writings depends a great make my husband. But I have a mind to deal. I have known those among us who put off entering into matrimony till another think, if they every morning and evening winter is over my head, which (whatever, spend an hour in their closet, and read over musty sir, you may think of the matter) I so many prayers in six or seven books of design to pass away in hearing music, going devotion, all equally nonsensical, with a to plays, visiting, and all other satisfactions sort of warmth, (that might as well be which fortune and youth, protected by in- raised by a glass of wine, or a dram of citnocence and virtue, can procure for, sir, ron,) they may all the rest of their time go your most humble servant, M. T. on in whatever their particular passion 'My lover does not know I like him, leads them to. The beauteous Philautia, therefore having no engagements upon me, who is (in your language) an idol, is one of I think to stay and know whether I may these votaries; she has a very pretty furnot like any one else better.' nished closet, to which she retires at her appointed hours.-This is her dressingroom, as well as chapel; she has constantly before her a large looking-glass; and upon the table, according to a very witty author,
I have heard Will Honeycomb say, 'A woman seldom writes her mind but in her postscript.' I think this gentlewoman has sufficiently discovered her's in this. I will lay what wager she pleases against her present favourite, and can tell her that she will like ten more before she is fixed, and then will take the worst man she ever liked in her life. There is no end of affection taken in at the eyes only; and you may as well satisfy those eyes with seeing, as controul any passion received by them only. It is from loving by sight, that coxcombs so frequently succeed with women, and very often a young lady is bestowed by her parents to a man who weds her as innocence
Together lie her prayer-book and paint, At once t'improve the sinner and the saint.' 'It must be a good scene, if one could be present at it, to see this idol by turns lift up her eyes to heaven, and steal glances at her own dear person. It cannot but be a pleasWhen you are upon this subject, choose ing conflict between vanity and humiliation. books which elevate the mind above the little things in it. For want of such instrucworld, and give a pleasing indifference to tions, I am apt to believe so many people and angry, under pretence of being abake it in their heads to be sullen, cross,
stracted from the affairs of this life, when at the same time they betray their fondness for them by doing their duty as a task, and
How far removed from a woman of this light imagination is Eudosia! Eudosia has all the arts of life and good-breeding, with so much ease, that the virtue of her conduct looks more like instinct than choice. It is as little difficult to her to think justly of persons and things, as it is to a woman of different accomplishments to move ill or look awkward. That which was, at first, the effect of instruction, is grown into a habit; and it would be as hard for Eudosia to indulge a wrong suggestion of thought, as it would be for Flavia, the fine dancer, to come into a room with an unbecoming air. But the misapprehensions people themselves have of their own state of mind, is laid down with much discerning in the following letter, which is but an extract of kind epistle from my charming mistress Hecatissa, who is above the vanity of external beauty, and is the better judge of the perfections of the mind.
itself, though she has, in her own heart, given her approbation of a different man in every assembly she was in the whole year before. What is wanting among women as well as among men is the love of laudable things, and not to rest only on the forbear-pouting and reading good books for a week ance of such as are reproachful. together. Much of this I take to proceed from the indiscretion of the books themselves, whose very titles of weekly preparations, and such limited godliness, lead people of ordinary capacities into great errors, and raise in them a mechanical_religion, entirely distinct from morality. I know a lady so given up to this sort of devotion, that though she employs six or eight hours of the twenty-four at cards, she never misses one constant hour of prayer, for which time another holds her cards, to which she returns with no little anxiousAll ness till two or three in the morning, these acts are but empty shows, and, as it were, compliments made to virtue; the mind is all the while untouched with any true pleasure in the pursuit of it. From hence I presume it arises, that so many people call themselves virtuous, from no other pretence to it but an absence of ill. There is Dulcianara, the most insolent of
'MR. SPECTATOR,-I write this to acquaint you, that very many ladies, as well as myself, spend many hours more than we used at the glass, for want of the female library, of which you promised us a catalogue. I hope, sir, in the choice of authors and unseasonably imperious to all her for us, you will have a particular regard to family. Dear sir, be pleased to put such books of devotion. What they are, and how books into our hands as may make our vir
all creatures to her friends and domestics, upon no other pretence in nature, but that (as her silly phrase is) "No one can say black is her eye. She has no secrets, forsooth, which should make her afraid to speak her mind, and therefore she is impertinently blunt to all her acquaintance,
instances of applause. The decencies to
No. 80.] Friday, June 1, 1711.
Cælum, non animum, mutant, qui trans mare currunt. parents like queens of May, in all the gaudy
Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xi. 27.
During this constant struggle it happenIn the year 1688, and on the same day of ed, that Phillis one day at public prayers that year, were born in Cheapside, London, smote the heart of a gay West-Indian, who two females of exquisite feature and shape; appeared in all the colours which can affect the one we shall call Brunetta, the other an eye that could not distinguish between Phillis. A close intimacy between their being fine and tawdry. This American, in parents made each of them the first ac- a summer-island suit, was too shining and quaintance the other knew in the world. too gay to be resisted by Phillis, and too inThey played, dressed babies, acted visit- tent upon her charms to be diverted by ings, learned to dance, and make courtesies any of the laboured attractions of Brunetta. together. They were inseparable compa- Soon after, Brunetta had the mortification nions in all the little entertainments their to see her rival disposed of in a wealthy tender years were capable of: which inno- marriage, while she was only addressed to cent happiness continued until the begin- in a manner that showed she was the adnining of their fifteenth year, when it hap-ration of all men, but the choice of none. pened that Phillis had a head-dress on, Phillis was carried to the habitation of her which became her so well, that instead of spouse in Barbadoes. Brunetta had the illbeing beheld any more with pleasure for nature to inquire for her by every opportutheir amity to each other, the eyes of the nity, and had the misfortune to hear of her neighbourhood were turned to remark them being attended by numerous slaves, fanned with comparison of their beauty. They into slumbers by successive bands of them, now no longer enjoyed the ease of mind and and carried from place to place in all the pleasing indolence in which they were for- pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetmerly happy, but all their words and ac- ta could not endure these repeated advices, tions were misinterpreted by each other, but employed all her arts and charms in and every excellence in their speech and laying baits for any of condition of the same behaviour was looked upon as an act of island, out of mere ambition to confront emulation to surpass the other. These be- her once more before she died. She at last ginnings of disinclination soon improved succeeded in her design, and was taken to into a formality of behaviour, a general wife by a gentleman whose estate was concoldness, and by natural steps into an irre- tiguous to that of her enemy's husband. It concilable hatred. would be endless to enumerate the many occasions on which these irreconcilable beauties laboured to excel each other; but in process of time it happened, that a ship put into the island consigned to a friend of Phillis, who had directions to give her the refusal of all goods for apparel, before Brunetta could be alarmed of their arrival. He did so, and Phillis was dressed in a few days in a brocade more gorgeous and costly than had ever before appeared in that latitude. Brunetta languished at the sight, and could by no means come up to the bravery of her antagonist. She communicated her anguish of mind to a faithful friend, who by an interest in the wife of Phillis's merchant, procured a remnant of the same silk for Brunetta. Phillis took pains to appear in all the public places where she was sure
These two rivals for the reputation of beauty, were in their stature, countenance, and mien so very much alike, that if you were speaking of them in their absence, the words in which you described the one must give you an idea of the other. They were hardly distinguishable, you would think when they were apart, though extremely different when together. What made their enmity the more entertaining to all the rest of their sex was, that in detraction from each other, neither could fall upon terms which did not hit herself as much as her adversary. Their nights grew restless with meditation of new dresses to outvie each other, and inventing new devices to recal admirers, who observed the charms of the one rather than those of the other, on the last meeting. Their colours to meet Brunetta; Brunetta was now prefailed at each other's appearance, flushed pared for the insult, and came to a public with pleasure at the report of a disadvan-ball in a plain black silk mantua, attended tage, and their countenances withered upon by a beautiful negro girl in a petticoat of
tue more inward and convince some of us,
the same brocade with which Phillis was No. 81.] Saturday, June 2, 1711.
Qualis ubi andito venantum murmure tigris Horruit in maculas-Stat. Theb. ii. 128. As when the tigress hears the hunter's din, Dark angry spots distain her glossy skin. ABOUT the middle of last winter I went to see an opera at the theatre in the Haymarket, where I could not but take notice of two parties of very fine women, that boxes, and seemed drawn up in a kind of had placed themselves in the opposite sidebattle-array one against another. After a short survey of them, I found they were patched differently; the faces on one hand being spotted on the right side of the forehead, and those upon the other on the left. I quickly perceived that they cast hostile glances upon one another; and that their patches were placed in those different situations, as party-signals to distinguish friends from foes. In the middle-boxes, between these two opposite bodies were several ladies who patched indifferently on both sides of their faces, and seemed to sit there with no other intention but to see the opera. Upon inquiry I found that the body of Amazons on my right hand were whigs, and those on my left, tories; and that
My lords, (says he) with humble sub-those who had placed themselves in the mission, That That I say is this; That That, middle-boxes were a neutral party, whose That That gentleman has advanced, is not faces had not yet declared themselves. That That he should have proved to your These last, however, as I afterwards found, lordships. Let those two questionary pe- diminished daily, and took their party with titioners try to do thus with their Whos one side or the other; insomuch that I oband their Whiches. served, in several of them, the patches which were before dispersed equally, are now all gone over to the whig or tory side of the face. The censorious say, that the often the occasions that one part of the face men, whose hearts are aimed at, are very is thus dishonoured, and lies under a kind of disgrace, while the other is so much set off and adorned by the owner; and that the patches turn to the right or to the left, according to the principles of the man who is But whatsoever may be the motives of a few fantastical coquettes, most in favour. who do not patch for the public good so much as for their own private advantage, it is certain that there are several women of honour who patch out of principle, and with an eye to the interest of their country.-Nay, I am informed that some of them adhere so steadfastly to their party, for the public to their passion for any par and are so far from sacrificing their zeal ticular person, that in a late draught of marriage-articles, a lady has stipulated with her husband, that whatever his opinions are, she shall be at liberty to patch on which side she pleases.
After the above melancholy narration, it may perhaps be a relief to the reader to peruse the following expostulation; To Mr. Spectator.
'The just Remonstrance of affronted THAT.
Though I deny not the petition of Mr. WHO and WHICH, yet you should not suffer them to be rude, and to call honest people names: for that bears very hard on some of those rules of decency which you are justly famous for establishing. They may find fault, and correct speeches in the senate, and at the bar, but let them try to get themselves so often and with so much eloquence repeated in a sentence, as a great orator doth frequently intro
"What great_advantage was I of to Mr. Dryden, in his Indian Emperor,
"You force me still to answer you in That;'
to furnish out a rhyme to Morat? and what a poor figure would Mr. Bayes have made without his "Egad and all That?" How can a judicious man distinguish one thing from another, without saying, "This here," or "That there?" And how can a sober man, without using the expletives of oaths, (in which indeed the rakes and bullies have a great advantage over others,) make a discourse of any tolerable length, without "That is;" and if he be a very grave man indeed, without "That is to say?" And how instructive as well as entertaining are those usual expressions in the mouths of great men, "Such things as That," and "The like of That.”
'I am not against reforming the corruptions of speech you mention, and own there are proper seasons for the introduction of other words besides That; but I scorn as much to supply the place of a Who or a Which at every turn, as they are unequal always to fill mine; and I expect good language and civil treatment, and hope to receive it for the future: That That I shall only add is, That 'I am, yours,
* The first Volume of the original 8vo. and 12mo, editions, as published by Tonson, closes with this paper.
I must here take notice, that Rosalinda, tunately a very beautiful mole on the tory a famous whig partisan, has most unforpart of her forehead; which being very conspicuous, has occasioned many mistakes, and given a handle to her enemies to misrepresent her face, as though it had