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9, because I had been buying things for my Lady last night,
'Tis not that I value the money three skips of a
But the thing I stand upon is the credit of the
"Tis true, seven pounds, four shillings, and six-
pence, makes a great hole in my wages:
Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in
Now, Mrs. Dukes, you know, and every body
That, tho' 'tis hard to judge, yet money can't
go without hands. [ever I saw 't!
The Devil take me! said she (blessing herself) if
So she roar'd like a Ledlam, as tho' I had call'd
her all to naught.
when I went to put up my purse, as God
would have it, my smock was unripp'd,
d, instead of putting it into my pocket,
down it slipp`d!
[Lady to bed;
ethe bell rung, and I went down to put my
d, God knows, I thought my money was as
safe as my maidenhead. [feel very light:
- when I came up again, I found my pocket
when I search', and miss'd my purse, Lord, No, said I, 'tis the same thing, the chaplain
will be here anon.
So you know what could I say to her any
I e'en left her, and came away as wise as I was
Well; but then they would have had me gone
to the cunning man!
I thought I should have sunk outright.
1! Madam, says Mary, how d'ye do? In-So the chaplain ‡‡ came in: now the servants deed, says I, never worse: say he is my sweetheart, pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done Because he's always in my chamber, and I alwith my purse? ways take his part.
So, as the Devil would have it, before I was
aware, out I blunder'd,
Parson, said I, can you cast a nativity, when a
body's plunder'd? [son like the Devil!)
(Now you must know he hates to be call'd pur-
Truly, says he, Mrs. Nab, it might become you
to be more civil!
If your money be gone, as a learned divine says,
You are no text for my handling; so take that
[you to know.
I was never taken for a conjuror before, I'd have
Lord, said 1, don't be angry, I'm sure I never
thought you so ;
was a-dream'd, methought, that we went
and search'd the folks round,
in a corner of Mrs. Duke's box, tied in
a rag, the money was found. [a-swearing:
xt morning we told Whittle, and he fell
my dame Wadgar came; and she, you
know, is thick of hearing.
1, said I, as loud as I could bawl, do you
know what a loss I have had?
said she, my Lord Colway's § folks are
all very sad;
y Lord Dromedary | comes o' Tuesday
I said 1, but that's not the business that I have
Cary, says he, I have been a servant this Then
You know I honour the cloth; I design to be
a parson's wife;
[all my life.
I never took one in your coat for a conjuror in
With that he twisted his girdle at me like a rope,
as who should say, [went away.
Now you may go hang yourself for me! and so
Well, I thought I should haveswoon'd: Lord!
said I, what shall I do?
lost my money, and shail lose my true
my Lord call'd me: Harry, §§ said my Lord, don't cry;
tive-and-twenty years come spring, in all the places I liv'd I never heard of I'll give something towards thy loss; and, says such a thing. 1 my Lady, So will I. says the steward, I remember, when I O! but, said I, what if, after all, the chaplain
vas resolv'd to tell any money, to see if it was right.
ow, you must know, because my trunk has a very bad lock,
erefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a very small stock,
cep in my pocket, ted about my middle, next to my smock.
1 help me! said Mary, I never stirr'd out of
[that's a plain case.
said I, I had it in Lady Betty's chamber,
lary got me to bed, and cover'd me up warm;
vever she stole away my garters, that I might
do myself no harni. Every well think, tumbled and toss'd all night, as you may hardly ever set my eyes together, or slept
was at my Lady Shrewsbury's,
won't come to? [I must petition you. For that, he said (an't please your Excellencies), The premisses tenderly consider'd, I desire your Excellencies protection,
a thing as this happen'd just about the time of gooseberries. vent to the party suspected, and I found her full of grief; [I hate a thief,)And that I may have a share in next Sunday's you must know, of all things in the world, collection; [cellencies letter, ever, I was resolv'd to bring the discourse And, over and above, that I may have your Exslily about: [happen'd out: With an order for the chaplain aforesaid, or, Dukes, said I, here's an ugly accident has instead of him, a better:
ife to one of the footmen.
The Earl of Berkeley's valet. ↑ The old deaf housekeeper* The Earl of Drogheda, who, with the Primate, was to succeed the two Earis. ** Ferris. ++ An usual saying of hers. A cant word of Lord and Lady B. to Mrs. Harris.
way. Herk of the kitchen. Dr Swift.
And then your poor petitioner, both night and Sole coat! where dust cemented by the rain day,
Or the chaplain (for 'tis his trade), as in duty bound, shall ever pray.
$225. A Description of the Morning. 1709
Now hardly here and there a hackney-coach
Appearing, shew'd the ruddy morn's ap-
Now Betty from her master's bed had flown,
And softly stole to discompose her own;
The slipshod 'prentice from his master's door
Had par'd the dirt, and sprinkled round the
Erects the nap, and leaves a cloudy stain!
Now in contiguous drops the food comes
Threatening with deluge this devoted town.
To shops in crowds the daggled females fly,
Pretend to cheapen goods, but nothing buy.
The Templar spruce, while every spout's
Stays till 'tis fair, yet seems to call a coach.
The tuck'd-up sempstress walks with hasty
While streams run down her oild umbra's
Here various kinds, by various fortunes led,
Commence acquaintance underneath a shed.
Triumphant Tories and desponding Whigs
Forget their feuds, and join to save their wigs.
Box'd in a chair, the beau impatient sits,
While spouts run clattering o'er the roof by fit,
Now Moll had whirl'd her mop with dextrous
Prepar'd to scrub the entry and the stairs. [airs,
The youth with broomy stumps began to trace
The kennel's edge, where wheels had worn the And ever and anon with frightful din
[deep, The leather sounds, he trembles from withi
The small-coal man was heard with cadence So when Troy chairmen bore the wooden sted,
Till drown'd in shriller notes of chimney-sweep:
Duns at his Lordship's gate began to meet,
And brick-dust Moll had scream'd through
Pregnant with Greeks, impatient to be free,
(Those bully Greeks, who, as the moderns Cy
Instead of paying chairmen, tan them throu
Laocoon struck the outside with his spear,
And each imprison'd hero quak'd for fear.
Now from all parts the swelling kennels flor
And bear their trophies with them as they
Filth of all hues and odours seem to tell
What street they said from by their sight
In They, as each torrent drives, with rapid for
From Smithfield or St. Pulchre's shape
By sure prognostics, when to dread a show'r. While rain depends, the pensive cat gives o'er Her frolics, and pursues her tail no more. Returning home at night, you'll find the sink Strike your offended sense with double stink.) If you be wise, then go not far to dine; [wine. You'll spend in coach-hire more than save in A coming show'r your shooting corns presage, Old aches will throb, your hollow tooth will
Sauntering in coffee-house is Dulman seen;
He damns the climate, and complains of spleen.
Meanwhile the south, rising with dabbled
A sable cloud athwart the welkin flings, [wings,
That swill'd more liquor than it could contain,
And, like a drunkard, gives it up again.
Brisk Susan whips her linen from the rope,
While the first drizzling shower is borne aslope:
Such is that sprinkling which some careless
And, in huge confluence join'd at Snow
Fall from the conduit prone to Holborn-bra
Sweepings from butchers' stalls, dung, gets
Drown'd puppies, stinking sprats,
drench'd in mud,
Dead cats, and turnip-tops, come tumbli down the flood.
§ 227. On the little House by the Church-
of Castlenock. 1710.
WHOEVER pleaseth to enquire
Why yonder steeple wants a spire,
The grey old fellow Poet Joe
The philosophic cause will show.
Once on a time a western blast
At least twelve inches overcast,
Reckoning roof, weathercock, and all,
Which came with a prodigious fall!
And, tumbling topsy-turvy round,
Lit with its bottom on the ground.
For, by the laws of gravitation.
It fell into its proper station.
Flirts on you from her mop, but not so clean:
You fly, invoke the gods; then, turning, stop
To rail; she, singing, still whirls on her mop.
Not yet the dust had shunn'd th' unequal strife, This is a little strutting pile
But, aided by the wind, sought still for life; You see just by the church-yard stile;
And, wafted with its foe by violent gust, [dust.
"Twas doubtful which was rain, and which was
Ah! where must needy poet seek for aid,
When dust and rain at once his coat invade?
The walls in tumbling gave a knock,
And thus the steeple got a shock
From whence the neighbouring farmer call
The steeple, Knock; the vicar, t Walls,
↑ Archdeacon Wall, a correspondent of Swit i
The vicar once a week creeps in,
Sits with his knee up to his chin;
Here conns his notes and takes a whet,
Till the small ragged flock is met.
A traveller, who by did pass,
Obsery'd the roof behind the
On tip-toe stood, and rear'd his snout,
And saw the parson creeping out;
Vas much surpris'd to see a crow
'enture to build his nest so low.
school-boy ran unto 't, and thought he crib was down, the blackbird caught. A third, who lost his way by night, Vas forc'd for safety to alight; nd, stepping o'er the fabric roof, is horse had like to spoil his hoof. Warburton took it in his noddle, his building was design'd a model
of a pigeon-house or oven, bake one loaf, and keep one dove in. Then Mrs. Johnsont gave her verdict, id every one was pleas'd that heard it: I that you make this stir about, but a still which wants a spout. The Reverend Dr. Raymond guess'd ore probably than all the rest; : said, that but it wanted room, might have been a pigmy's tomb. The doctor's family came by, dlittle miss began to cry; e me that house in my own hand! en madam bade the chariot stand; I'd to the clerk in manner mild, 7, reach that thing here to the child: t thing, I mean, among the kale; I here's to buy a pot of ale. he clerk said to her, in a heat, at! sell my master's country seat, ere he comes every week from town! would not sell it for a crown. !fellow, keep not such a pother; alf an hour thou'lt make another. ys Nancy, § I can make for miss er house ten times than this; Dean will give me willow-sticks, Joe my apron full of bricks.
§ 228. The Fable of Midas. 1711. DAS, we are in story told, Turn'd every thing he touch'd to gold; hipp'd his bread; the pieces round er'd like spangles on the ground: Bling, ere it went his lip in,
d straight become a golden-pippin: u'd for drink; you saw him sup -le gold in golden cup: mpty paunch that he might fill, ck'd his victuals through a quill; ach'd it pass'd between his grinders, ad been happy for gold-finders: ck'd his hat, you would have said prino's helm adorn'd his head : . Swift's curate at Laracer. † Stella.
Whene'er he chanc'd his hands to lay
On magazines of corn or hay,
Gold ready coin'd appear'd instead
Of paltry provender and bread;
Hence by wise farmers we are told,
Old hay is equal to old gold;
And hence a critic deep maintains,
We learn'd to weigh our gold by grains.
This fool had got a lucky hit,
And people fancied he had wit:
Two gods their skill in music tried,
And both chose Midas to decide:
He against Phoebus' harp decreed,
And gave it for Pan's oaten reed:
The god of wit, to shew his grudge,
Clapp'd asses ears upon the judge;
A goodly pair, erect and wide,
Which he could neither gild nor hide.
And now the virtue of his hands
Was lost among Pactolus' sands,
Against whose torrent while he swims,
The golden scurf peels off his limbs:
Fame spreads the news, and people travel
From far to gather golden gravel;
Midas expos'd to all their jeers,
Had lost his art, and kept his ears.
This tale inclines the gentle reader To think upon a certain leader; To whom from Midas down descends That virtue in the fingers' ends. What else by perquisites are meant, By pensions, bribes, and three per cent. By places and commissions sold, And turning dung itself to gold? By starving in the midst of store, As t' other Midas did before?
None e'er did modern Midas choose Subject or patron of his muse, But found him thus their merit scan, That Phoebus must give place to Pan: He values not the poet's praise, Nor will exchange his plums for bays: To Pan alone rich misers call; And there's the jest, for Pan is all. Here English wits will be to seek; Howe'er, 'tis all one in the Greek.
Besides, it plainly now appears
Our Midas too hath asses cais;
Where every fool his mouth applies,
And whispers in a thousand lies;
Such gross delusions could not pass
Through any ears but of an ass.
But gold defiles with frequent touch;
There's nothing fouls the hands so much:
And scholars give it for the cause
Of British Midas' dirty paws;
Which while the senate strove to scour,
They wash'd away the chemic pow'r.
While he his utmost strength applied
To swim against this pop'lar tide,
The golden spoils flew off apace:
Here fell a pension, there a place:
The torrent merciless imbibes
Commissions, perquisites, and bribes,
Minister of Trim. § The waiting-woman.
By their own weight sunk to the bottom;
Much good may do them that have caught 'em!
And Midas now neglected stands,
With asses ears and dirty hands.
$229. A Dialogue between a Member of Parliament and his Servant. In Imitation of Horace, Sat. II. vii. First printed in 1752 Serv. LONG have I heard your fav rite theme,
A general reformation-scheme,
To keep the poor from every sin,
From gaming, murther, and from gin.
And now I have no less an itch
To venture to reform the rich,
Mem. What, John! are you too turn'd
Serv. To you, who every day profess
T' admire the times of good Queen Bess,
But yet your heart sincerer praise
Bestows on these or Charles's days:
You still approve some absent place-
And, such your special inconsistence,
(The present's ever in disgrace!)
Make the chief merit in the distance.
If e'er you miss a supper card
(Though all the while you think it hard,)
You're all for solitude and quiet,
Good hours and vegetable diet,
Reflection, air, and elbow-room:
No prison like a crowded drum.
But, should you meet her grace's summons, pro-In full committee of the Commons,
Come then, for once I'll hear your lecture.
For since a member, as 'tis said,
His projects to his servants read,
And of a favourite speech a book made,
With which he tir'd each night a cook-maid:
And so it hapt that every morning
The tasteless creatures gave him warning:
Since thus we use them, 'is but reason
We hear our servants in their season.
Begin. Serv. Like gamblers, half mankind
Persist in constant vice combia'd;
In races, routs, the stews, and White's,
Pass all their days and all their nights.
Others again, like Lady Prue,
Who gives the morning church its due,
At noon is painted, drest, and curl'd,
And one amongst the wicked world;
Keeps her account exactly even,
As thus: " Prue, creditor to heaven:
"To sermons heard on extra-days.
"Debtor: To masquerade and plays.
"Item: to Whitfield, half an hour:
"Per contra: To the Colonel, four."
Others, I say, pass ́half their time
In folly, idleness, or crime:
Then all at once their zeal grows warm,
And every throat resounds, reforin.
A Lord his youth in every vice
Indulg'd, but chief in drabs and dice,
Till worn by age, disease, and gout,
Then nature modestly gave out.
Not so my Lord--who still, by proxy,
Play'd with his darling dice and doxy.
I land this constant wretch's state,
And pity all who fluctuate;
Prefer this slave to dear back-gammon,
To those who serve both God and manimon;
To those who take such pains to awe
The nation's vices by the law,
Yo, while they draw their bills so ample,
Neglect the influence of example.
Memb. To whom d'ye preach this senseless
Serv. To you, good Sir. Memb. To me, ye ver:niu!
The celebrated Orator of Clare Market.
Though well you know her crowded house
Will scarce contain another mouse,
You quit the business of the nation,
And brethren of the Reformation;
Though begs you'll stay and vote,
And zealous tears your coat,
You damn your coachman, storm and stare.
And tear your throat to call a chair.
Nay, never frown, and good-now hold
Your hand awhile; I've been so bold
To paint your follies; now I'm in,
Let's have a word or two on sin.
Last night I heard a learned pouli'rer
Lay down the law against th' adulterer:
And let me tell you, Sir, that few
Hear better doctrine in a pew.
Well! you may laugh at Robin Hood:
I wish your studies were as good.
From Mandeville you take your morals;
Your faith from controversial quarrels,
But ever lean to those who scribble
Their crudities against the Bible;
Yet tell me I shall crack my brain
With hearing Henley or Romaine.
Deserves that critic most rebuke
In judging on the Pentateuch,
Who deems it, with some wild fanatics,
The only school of mathematics?
Or he, who, making grave profession,
To lay aside all prepossession,
Calls it a bookseller's edition
Of maim'd records and vagne tradition?
You covet, Sir, your neighbour's goods:
I take a piece at Peter Wood's : t
And when I've turn'd my back upon her,
Unwounded in my heart or honour,
i feel nor infamous, nor jealous
Of richer culls, or prettier fellows.
But you, the grave and sage reformer,
Must go by stealth to meet your chatiner;
Must change your star and every note
Of honour for a bear-skin coat.
That legislative head so wise
Must stoop to base and mean disguise.
Some Abigail must then receive you,
Brib'd by the husband to deceive you.
This worthy a few years before fell under the displeasure of the mob, who broke into his house, ncar St. Clement's, and burnt all. Las furniture, which they threw into the street.
She spies Cornuto on the stairs:
Wakes you; then, melted by your prayers,
Yields, if with greater bribe you ask it,
To pack your worship in the basket.
Laid neck-and heels, true Falstaff-fashion;
There form new schemes of reformation.
Thus 'scap'd the murdering husband's fury,
Or thumping fine of cuckold jury;
Henceforth, in memory of your danger,
You'll live to all intrigues a stranger.
No; ere vou've time for this reflection,
Some new debauch is in projection;
And, for the next approaching night,
Contrivance for another fright.
This makes you, though so great, so grave,
(Nay! wonder not), an abject slave;
As much a slave as I; nay, more;
I serve one master, you a score,
And, as your various passions rule,
By turns are twenty tyrants' fool.
Those who † contribute to the tax
On tea, and chocolate, and wax,
With high ragouts their blood inflame,
And nauseate what they eat for fame;
Of these the Houses take no knowledge,
But leave them fairly to the College.
Oh! ever prosper their endeavours
To aid your dropsies, gouts, and fevers!
Can it be deem'd a shame or sin
To pawn my livery for gin;
While bonds and mortgages at White's
Shall raise your fame with Arthur's knights?'
Those worthies seem to see no shame in,
Nor strive to pass a slur on gaming;
But rather to devise each session
Some law in honour o' th' profession;
Lest sordid hands or vulgar place
The noble mystery should debase;
Lest ragged scoundrels, in an alehouse,
Should chalk their cheatings on the bellows;
Memb. Who then is free? Serv. The wise Or boys the sacred rites profane
Who only bows to reason's throne;
Whom neither want, nor death, nor chains,
Nor subtle persecutor's pains,
Nor honours, wealth, nor lust, can move
From virtue and his country's love.
Self-guarded like a globe of steel,
External insults can he feel?
Or ere present one weaker part
To Fortune's most insidious dart?
Much-honour'd master, may you find
These wholesome symptoms in your mind!
Can you be free while passions rule you?
While women every moment fool you?
While forty mad capricious whores
Invite, then turn you out of doors;
Of every doit contrive to trick you,
Then bid their happier footman kick you?
Convinc'd by every new disaster
You serve a more despotic master;
Bay, can your pride or folly see
Euch difference 'twixt yourself and me?
Shall you be struck with Titian's tints,
And mayn't I stop to stare at prints?
Dispos'd along th' extensive glass,
hey catch and hold me ere I pass.
Where Slack is made to box with Broughton,
see the very stage they fought on:
The bruisers live, and move, and bleed,
As if they fought in very deed.
et I'm a loiterer, to be sure;
ou a great judge and connoisseur.
Shall you prolong the midnight ball
ith costly banquet at Vauxhall;
nd yet prohibit earlier suppers
Kilbourn, Sadler's- wells, or Cuper's?
re these less innocent in fact,
r only made so by the act?
With orange-barrows in a lane.
Where lies the merit of your labours
To curb the follies of your neighbours;
Deter the gambler, and prevent his
Confederate arts to gull the 'prentice;
Unless you could yourself desist
From hazard, faro, brag, and whist?
Unless your philosophic mind
Can from within amusement find,
And give at once to use and pleasure
That truly precious time, your leisure?
In vain your busy thoughts prepare
Deceitful sepulchres of care:
The downy couch, the sparkling bowl,
And all that lulls or sooths the soul-
Memb. Where is my cane, my whip, my
I'll teach you to provoke my anger.
Serv. Heyday! my master's brain is crackt! Or else he's making some new act.
Memb. To set such rogues as you to work, Perhaps, or send you to the Turk. I
§ 230. The Intruder. In Imitation of Horace,
Sat. I. ix. First printed in 1754.
CERTAIN free, familiar spark.
Pertly accosts me in the Park:
"Tis lovely weather, sure! how gay
"The sun-I give you, Sir, good-day."
Your servant, Sir. To you the same→
But-give me leave to crave your name.
"My name? Why sure you've seen my face
"About, in every public place.
"I'm known to almost all your friends
"(No one e'er names you but commends)——
"For some I plant; for some I build;
"In every taste and fashion skill'd-
Places of entertainment at that time. Two of them have been since shut up.
It was urged in the petitions of some of the houses of public entertainment, that the suppres on of them might greatly diminish the duties on tea, chocolate, and wax-lights.
I Among the many projects for the punishment of rogues, it has been frequently proposed to send min exchange for English slaves in Algiers.