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You say you will eat grass on his grave: a|And my delight is to expose
Christian eat grass! [or an ass: His follies to his greatest foes.
Whereby you now confess yourself to be a goose All languages I can command,
But that's as much as to say, that my master Yet not a word I understand.
Without my aid, the best divine
In learning would not know a line:
The lawyer must forget his pleading;
The scholar could not shew his reading.
Nay, man, my master is my slave:
I give command to kill or save;
Can grant ten thousand pounds a year,
And make a beggar's brat a peer.
But, while I thus my life relate,

should die before ye;
Well, well, that's as God pleases; and I don't
believe that's a true story:
And so say I told you so, and you may go tell
my master, what care I? [Mary.
And I don't care who knows it; 'tis all one to
Every body knows that I love to tell truth, and
shame the devil; [should be civil.
I am but a poor servant, but I think gentlefolks
Besides, you found fault with our victuals one I only hasten on my fate.
day that you was here; [in the year; My tongue is black, my mouth is furr'd,
I remember it was on a Tuesday, of all days I hardly now can force a word.
And Saunders the man says you are always jest- I die unpitied and forgot,
ing and mocking: [master's stocking), And on some dunghill left to rot.
Mary, said he (one day as I was mending my
My master is so fond of that minister that keeps
[makes him a fool.

the schoolthought my master a wise man, but that man aunders, said I, I would rather than a quart

§ 240. On Gold.

ALL-RULING tyrant of the earth,
To vilest slaves I owe my birth.

of ale
le would come into our kitchen, and I would
And now I must go and get Saunders to direct No haughty nymph has pow'r to run
this letter; [Marget she writes better.
or I write but a sad scrawl, but my sister
Vell, but I must run and make the bed, before
my master comes from pray'rs :
and see now, it strikes ten, and I hear him
coming up stairs;

[pin a dishclout to his tail. How is the greatest monarch blest,
When in my gaudy liv'ry drest!

hereof I could say more to your verses, if

could write written hand


nd so I remain, in a civil way, your servant to command, MARY.

239. Riddles, by Dr. Swift and his Friends.
Written in or about the Year 1724.
On a Pen.

youth exalted high in air,
Or bathing in the waters fair,
ature to form me took delight,
nd clad my body all in white,
ly person tall, and slender waist,
n either side with fringes grac'd;
il me that tyrant man espied,

nd dragg'd me from my mother's side:
o wonder now I look so thin;
he tyrant stripp'd me to the skin:
y skin he flay'd, my hair he cropp'd;
head and foot my body lopp'd:"

d then, with heart more hard than stone,
pick'd my marrow from the bone.
vex me more, he took a freak
slit my tongue, and make me speak:
t, that which wonderful appears,
peak to eyes, and not to ears.
oft employs me in disguise,
nd makes me tell a thousand lies:
me he chiefly gives in trust
please his malice or his lust;
om me no secret he can hide,
e his vanity and pride:

From me, or my embraces shun.
Stabb'd to the heart, condemn'd to flame,
My constancy is still the same.
The favourite messenger of Jove,
And Lemnian God, consulting strove
To make me glorious to the sight
Of mortals, and the gods' delight.
Soon would their altars' flame expire
If I refus'd to lend them fire.

$241. On a Corkscrew.
THOUGH I, alas! a prisoner be,

My trade is prisoners to set free.
No slave his lord's commands obeys
With such insinuating ways.
My genius piercing, sharp, and bright,
Wherein the men of wit delight.
The clergy keep me for their ease,
And turn and wind me as they please.
A new and wondrous art I shew
Of raising spirits from below;
In scarlet some, and some in white:
They rise, walk round, yet never fright,
In at each mouth the spirits pass,
Distinctly seen as through a glass:
O'er head and body make a rout,
And drive at last all secrets out:
And still, the more I shew my art,
The more they open ev'ry heart.

A greater chemist none than I,
Who from materials hard and dry
Have taught men to extract with skill
More precious juice than from a still.
Although I'm often out of case,
I'm not asham'd to shew my face.
Though at the tables of the great
11 near the side-board take my seat;


Yet the plain 'quire, when dinner's done,
Is never pleas'd till I make one:
He kindly bids me near him stand,
And often takes me by the hand.
I twice a day a hunting go;
Nor ever fail to seize my foe;
And, when I have him by the pole,
I drag him upwards from his hole;
Though some are of so stubborn kind,
I'm forc'd to leave a limb behind.

I hourly wait some fatal end;
For I can break, but scorn to bend.

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AM jet-black, as you may see, The son of pitch and gloomy night: Yet all that know me will agree

I'm dead, except I live in light. Sometimes in panegyric high,

Like lofty Pindar I can soar; And raise a virgin to the sky,

Or sink her to a pocky whore.'
My blood this day is very sweet,

To-morrow of a bitter juice;
Like milk, 'tis cried about the street,
And so applied to different use.
Most wondrous is my magic pow'r ;
For with one colour I can paint;
I'll make the devil a saint this hour,
Next make a devil of a saint.
Through distant regions I can fly,
Provide me but with paper wings;
And fairly shew a reason why

There should be quarrels ainong kings. And, after all, you'll think it odd,

When learned doctors will dispute, That I should point the word of God, And shew where they can best confute. Let lawyers bawl and strain their throats: 'Tis I that must the lands convey, And strip the clients to their coats; Nay, give their very souls away.

$244. On the Five Senses. ALL of us in one you'll find ;

Brethren of a wondrous kind; Yet among us all no brother Knows one tittle of the other. We in frequent councils are, And our marks of things declare,

Where, to us unknown a clerk Sits and takes them in the dark. He's the register of all

In our ken both great and small;
By us forms his laws and rules;
He's our master, we his tools;
Yet we can with greatest ease
Turn and wind him where we please.
One of us alone can sleep,
Yet no watch the rest will keep;
But the moment that he closes,
Ev'ry brother else reposes.

If wine's bought, or victuals drest, One enjoys them for the rest.

Pierce is all with wounding steel, One for all of us will feel.

Though ten thousand cannons roar, Add to them ten thousand more, Yet but one of us is found Who regards the dreadful sound. Do what is not fit to tell, There's but one of us can smell.

§ 245. On an Echo. NEVER sleeping, still awake,

Pleasing most when most I speak:
The delight of old and young,
Though I speak without a tongue.
Nought but one thing can confound me;
Many voices joining round me.
Then I fret and rave and gabble
Like the labourers of Babel.
Now I am a dog or cow,

I can bark, or I can low;
I can bleat, or I can sing
Like the warblers of the spring.
Let the love-sick bard complain,
And I mourn the cruel pain;
Let the happy swain rejoice,
And I join my helping voice;
Both are welcome, grief or joy,
I with either sport and toy.
Though a lady, I am stout,
Drums and trumpets bring me out;
Then I clash, and roar and rattle,
Join in all the din of battle.
Jove, with all his loudest thunder,
When I'm vex'd can't keep me under;
Yet so tender is my ear,
That the lowest voice I fear.
Much I dread the courtier's fate,
When his merit's out of date;
For I hate a silent breath,
And a whisper is my death.

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§ 250.

On a Cannon. >TTEN, and born, and dying with noise, e terror of women, and pleasure of bovs; he fiction of poets concerning the wind, iefly unruly when strongest confin'd. Iver and gold I don't trouble my head, 1 I delight in is pieces of lead;

Except when I trade with a ship or a town,
Why then I make pieces of iron go down.
One property more I would have you remark,
No lady was ever more fond of a spark;
The moment I get one, my soul's all a-fire,
And I roar out myjoy, and in transport expire

$ 251. To Quilca, a Country-House of Dr. Sheridan, in no very good Repair. 1725.


ET me thy properties explain:
A rotten cabin, dropping rain;
Chimnies with scorn rejecting smoke;
Stools, tables, chairs, and bedsteads broke.
Here elements have lost their uses:
Air ripens not, nor earth produces;
In vain we make poor Sheelah toil,
Fire will not roast, nor water boil,
Through all the valleys, hills, and plains,
The goddess Want in triumph reigns:
And her chief officers of state,
Sloth, Dirt, and Theft, around her wait.

$252. The grand Question debated: Whether Hamilton's Bawn should be turned into a Barrack or a Mall-House. 1729.

THUS spoke to my Lady the Knight † full of


"Let me have your advice in a weighty affair: This Hamilton's bawn, whilst it sticks on "may hand,

I lose by the house what I get by the land; But how to dispose of it to the best bidder. "For a barrack or malt-house, we now nu»♬ "consider. [house. "First let me suppose I make it a maltHere I have computed the profit will fall t'us; "There's nine hundred pounds for labour and main;


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I increase it to twelve, so three hundred re“A handsome addition for wine and good [year:


Three dishes a day, and three hogsheads a "With a dozen large vessels my vault shall be "stor'd;

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Nolittle scrub joint shall come on my board>
And you and the Dean no more shall combine

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he name of an Irish servant.
large old house, two miles from Sir Arthur's seat.

Le army in Ireland is lodged in strong buildings over the whole kingdom, called barracks.


Sir Arthur Acheson, at whose seat this was written.

Thus ended the Knight. Thus began his meek wife:

You honour me much."-"The honour i " mine."

«Twas a sad rainy night."—"But the morn “ing is fine."

" Pray how does my lady?"—" My wife's at your service."


It must and it shall be a barrack, my life. "I'm grown a mere mopus; no company comes "But a rabble of tenants and rusty dull rums: "With parsons what lady can keep herself clean? "I'm all over daub'd when I sit by the Dean:" I think I have seen her picture by Jervas.""But if you will give us a barrack, my dear, "Good-morrow, good Captain, I'll wait on "The Captain, I'm sure, will always come here; "you down." "I then shall not value his Deanship a straw, "For the Captain, I warrant, will keep him in

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"You shan't stir a foot."—" You'll think me "a clown.

For all the world, Captain."—" Not hali in "inch farther."

"You must be obey'd!"—" Your servant, Sir "Arthur!

"That men of his coat should be minding
And not among ladies to give themselves airs.""
Thus argued my Lady, but argued in vain ;
The Knight his opinion resolv'd to maintain.

But Hannah, who listen'd to all that was
And could not endure so vulgar a taste, [past,
As soon as her Ladyship call'd to be drest,
Cried, "Madam, why surely my master's pos-

" sest.

My humble respects to my Lady unknown " I hope you will use my house as your own. "Go bring me my smock, and leave of

"6 your prate,

Thou hast certainly got a cup in thy pate" "Pray, madam, be quiet, what was it I st "You had like to have put it quite out of "head.

"Next day, to be sure, the Captain will cor "Sir Arthur the maltster! how fine it will" At the head of his troops with trumpet

" sound!

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Now, madam, observe how he marches:


"The man with the kettle-drums enter

66 gate;

[dream'd" Dub, dub, adub, dub. The trumpeters fo Tantara, tantara; while all the boys h See now comes the Captain, all daub'd vi "gold lace :

Wood. "And now my dream's out; for I was a-" "That I saw a huge rat-O dear, how I [shoes;


"And after, methought, I had lost my new
"And Molly, she said I should hear some ill"


la! the sweet gentleman! look in his And see how he rides like a lord of the "With the fine flaining sword that he ba " in his hand;

"Dear madam, had you but the spirit to tease, "You might have a barrack whenever you "And his horse, the dear creler, it prances

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"Your Ladyship smiles, and thus you begin: " Your + Noveds, and Bluturks, and Omurs, "Pray, Captain, be pleas'd to alight and walk


"and stuff, [found," By G-, they don't signify this pinch of snuffa "The Captain salutes you with congee pro- To give a young gentleman right education, And your Ladyship curtsies half way to the " The army's the only good school in the nation: ground. "My schoolmaster call'd me a dunce and a fool, But at cufis I was always the cock of the "school:

"Kit, run to your master, and hid him come"

"to us:

[us. "I'm sure he'll be proud of the honour you do" And, Captain, you'll do us the favour to stay "And take a short dinner here with us to-day?" 'You're heartily welcome: but as for good "cheer,

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I never could take to my book for the blood "of me,

And the puppy confess'd he expected no "good o' me. [wife, "He caught me one morning coquetting his "But he maul'd me, I ne'er was so maul'd in "my life:

"You come in the very worst time of the year;
"If I had expected so worthy a guest-"
"Lord! madam! your ladyship sure is in jest:"So I took to the road; and what's very odd,
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"You banter me, madam, the kingdom must" The first man I robb'd was a Parson, by G→
"Now, madam, you'll think it a strange thing

You officers, Captain, are so complaisant !"
'Hist,hussy, I think I hear somebody coming.""
'No, madam, 'tis only Sir Arthur a humming.
To shorten my tale (for I hate a long story)
The Captain at dinner appears in his glory:
The Dean and the Doctor have humbled"
“ their pride,

For the Captain's entreated to sit by your side:"
And, because he's their betters, you carve for
"him first:

"to say,

But the sight of a book makes me sick to this


"Never since I was born did I hear so much

And, madam, I laugh'd till I thought I
"should split.
So then you look'd scornful, and snift at the
As who should say, Now, am I skinny and

"But he durst not so much as once open his

The Parsons for envy are ready to burst.
The servants amazed are scarce ever able [ble;
To keep off their eyes, as they wait at the ta-"
And Molly and I have thrust in our nose
To peep at the Captain in all his fine clo'es.
Dear madam, be sure he's a fine-spoken man,
Do but hear on the Clergy how glib his
"tongue ran ;

And, madam, says he, If such dinners
"you give,

You'll ne'er want for Parsons as long as you


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And the Doctor was plaguily down in the “hips."

Thus merciless Hannah ran on in her talk, Till she heard the Dean call," Will your La"dyship walk?”

Her Ladyship answers, "I'm just coming

Then turning to Hannah, and forcing a frown,
Altho' it was plain in her heart she was glad,
Cried Hussy! why sure the wènch is gone

I ne'er knew a Parson without a good nose:
Butthe Devil's as welcome wherever he goes:"
G-d-n me! they bid us reform and repent,
But, zs! by their looks they never keep


Mister Curate, for all your grave looks, I'm" "afraid

Youcast a sheep's eye on her Ladyship's maid: I wish she would lend you her pretty white "hand.

In mending your cassock, and smoothing " your band

(For the Dean was so shabby, and look'd "like a ninny,

That the Captain suppos'd he was curate to

Whenever you see a cassock and gown,
A hundred to one but it covers a clown.
Observe how a Parson comes into a room;
G-d-n me! he hobbles as bad as my groom:
A scollard, when just from his college broke

Can hardly tell how to cry bo to a goose:

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"Give me but a barrack, a fig for the clergy."

$253. On the Death of Dr. Swift. Ocea

sioned by reading the following Maxim in Rochefoucault: "Dans l'adversité de nos "meilleurs amis, nous trouvons toujours quel

que chose qui ne nous deplaist pas :"

"In the adversity of our best friends we always
"find something that doth not displease us."
s Rochefoucault his maxims drew
From nature, I believe them true:

Dr. Jinny, a clergyman in the neighbourhood.

↑ Ovids, Plutarcls, Homers.


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