earnest. with myself, never to think of the continuance of a family, or altering the condition of life that was most agreeable to me, whilst I had (as I thought) a just excuse: but that of late I had yielded to my friends, and allowed them to dispose of me, if they thought that by this means I could add any thing to the power or interest I had to serve them or my country. I was afraid, however, that I should be so heavy and unactive in this affair, that my friends would hardly take me to be in But though it be so lately that I have taken my resolution, and that you were one of the first who knew it, I have on a sudden such an affair thrown across me, that I am confident I have zeal enough raised in me to hinder you from doubting whether I sincerely intend what I profess. There is a lady, whom chance has thrown into my neighbourhood, and whom I never saw till the Sunday before last, who is in every respect that very person I had ever framed a picture of from my imagination, when I wished the best for my own happiness in such a circumstance. I had heard her character before; and her education, and every circumstance besides, suited exactly, all but her fortune. Had she but a ten thousand pounds, my modesty would allow me to apply without reserve, where it was proper. And I would it were in my power, without injury to the lady, to have her upon those terms, or lower. I flatter myself too, by all appearance, that the father has long had, and yet retains, some regard for me; and that the disappointments he has had in some higher friendships may make him look as low as on me, and imagine me not wholly unwor thy of his relation. But, if by any interest I had, or could possibly make with the father, I should induce him to bestow his daughter, perhaps with much less fortune (since I would gladly accept her so) than what in other places he would have bestowed, I shall draw a double misfortune on the lady; unless she has goodness enough to think, that one who seeks her for what he counts better than a fortune, may possibly by his worth or virtue make her sufficient amends. And were I but encouraged to hope or fancy this, I would begin my offers to-morrow; and should have greater hopes, that my disinterestedness would be of some service to me in this place, as matters stand. You see my scruple, and being used to me, and knowing my odd temper (for I well know you believe it no affectation), you may be able to relieve me, and have the means in your hands: for a few words with one who has the honour to be your relation, would resolve me in this affair. I cannot stir in it till then, and should be more afraid of my good fortune than my bad, if it should happen to me to prevail with a father for whom the lady has so true a duty, that, even against her inclination, she would comply with any thing he required. I am afraid it will be impossible for you to read, or make sense of, what I write thus hastily; but I fancy with myself, I make you the greater confidence, in trusting to my humour and first thought, without staying till I have so much as formed a reflection. I am sure there is hardly any one besides you, I should lay myself thus open to; but I am secure in your friendship, which I rely on (for advice) in this affair. I beg to hear from you in answer by the first post, being, with great sincerity, your faithful friend and humble servant. LETTER XLVII. LORD SHAFTESRURY TO ROB. MOLESWORTH, ESQ. DEAR SIR, Beachworth, in Surrey, FROM the hour I had writ you that hasty letter from Chelsea I was in pain till I had heard from you; and could not but often wish I had not writ in that hurry and confusion. But since I have received yours in answer, I have all the satisfaction imaginable. I see so sincere a return of friendship, that it cannot any more concern me to have laid myself so open. I would have a friend see me at the worst; and it is a satisfaction to find, that if one's fai lures or weaknesses were greater than really they are, one should still be cherished, and be supplied even with good sentiments and discretion, when they were wanting. One thing only I beg you would take notice of, that I had never any thoughts of applying to the young lady before I applied to the father. My morals are rather too strict to let me have taken such an advantage, had it been ever so fairly offered. But my drift was, to learn whether there had been an inclination to any one before me; for many offers had been, and some I know very great, within these few months. And though the duty of the daughter might have ac quiesced in the dislike of the father, so as not to shew any discontent; yet there might be some◄ thing of this lying at the heart, and so strongly, that my application and success (if I had any) might be looked on with an ill eye, and cause a real trouble. This would have caused it, I am. sure, in me; when I should have come, perhaps too late, to have discovered it. But there is nothing of this in the case, by all that I can judge or learn. Never did I hear of a creature so perfectly resigned to duty, so innocent in herself, and so contented under those means which have kept and still keep her so innocent as to the vanities and vices of the world; though with real good parts, and improvement of them at home: for of this my lord has wisely and handsomely taken care. Never was any thing so unfortunate for me, as that she should be such a fortune; for that I know is what every body will like, and I perhaps have the worst relish of, and least deserve. The other qualities I should prize more than any, and the generality of mankind, instead of prizing would be apt to contemn; for want of air and humour, and the wit of general conversation, and the knowledge of the town, and fashions, and diversions, are unpardonable dulnesses in young wives; who are taken more as companions of pleasure, and to be shewn abroad as beauties in the world, than to raise families, and support the honour and interest of those they are joined to. But to shew you that I am not wanting to myself, since your encouraging and advising letter, I have begun my application, by what you well call the right end*. You shall hear with what success, as soon as I know myself. I could both be bolder and abler in the management of the af fair, and could promise myself sure success, had I but a constitution that would let me act for myself, and bustle in and about that town which, by this winter season coming on so fiercely, is by this time in such a cloud of smoke, that I can neither be in it nor near it. I stayed but a day or two too long at Chelsea, after the setting in of these east and north-east winds, and I had like to have fallen into one of my short-breathing fits, which would have ruined me. But by flying hither and keeping my distance, I keep my health, but (1 may well fear) shall lose my mistress. For who ever courted at this rate? Did matters lie so as to the fortune, that I could be the obliging side, it might go on with tolerable grace; and so I fear it must be, whenever I marry, or else am likely to remain a batchelor. However, you can never any more arraign my morals after this. You can never charge me, as you have done, for a remissness and laziness, or an indulgence to my own ways, and love of retirement; which (as you thought) might have made me averse to undertake the part of wife and children, though my country or friends ever so much required it of me. You see it will not be my fault; and you shall find I will not act booty for myself. If I have any kind of success at this right end, I will then beg to use the favour of your in * The father. |