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"Smart boy; here's a dime for you.
A notoriously mean man having offended a down-east Yankee, was addressed by the latter in a long tirade which concluded in the following caustic terms: "Your little soul would have as much play in a mustard pod as a pick-at a dime a pop.' erel in Lake Erie, and would rattle like a kernel of corn in a barn."
"Why, tellin' big yarns to green 'uns like you,
A REMEDY AGAINST CURTAIN LECTURES.-A few nights ago, Black, who had been out, on going
A SHARPER." Sonny, where is your father ?" home late, borrowed an umbrella; and when "Father's dead, sir."
"Have you any mother?"
his wife's tongue was loosened, he sat up in bed and suddenly spread out the parachute "What "Yes, I had one, but she's got married to John are you going to do with that thing?" said she. Danklin, and don't be my mother any more," Why, my dear, I expected a very heavy storm 'cause she says she's got enough to do to 'tend to-night, and so I came prepared." In less than to his own young 'uns." two minutes, Mr. Black was fast asleep
we call Agricola, was a boy, he lind DAMAGES AND REPAIRS.-" Hallo, Sharp," said on a farm in Berkshire county, the owner he Pop, meeting him the other day in the street, which was troubled by his dog Wolf. The in" you hobble, my boy; what's the matter with killed his sheep, knowing, perhaps, that his mason you?"
was conscientiously opposed to capital punis "Oh, I had my foot crushed, through the carement, and he could devise no means to preventlessness of the conductor, the other day, be"I can break him of it," said Agricola, "if y's tween the cars-that's all." will give me leave."
"Thou art permitted," said the honest farme `nd w rianla tell the story in his o
THE TROTTER OUT-TROTTED. "Do you keep matches?" asked a young wag, of a retailer.
"Oh, yes, all kinds," was the reply.
Well, then, I'll take a trotting match."
"And don't you mean to sue for damages?" "Damages? no, no-I have had damages enough from them already; hadn't I better sue for repairs?"
An old hunter has discovered that washing the face and hands with lemon juice keeps
The retailer immediately handed him a box of off the musquitoes. The acid is offensive to Brandreth's Pills.
MINISTERIAL PUNNING.-At a meeting of clergymen, not long since, a Reverend gentleman by the name of Loss, of,dimensions somewhat extended, both laterally and altitudinally, presented himself. Says one of the brethren to him, "When you left your people you were a great Loss." "Yes," said another, "but when he dies he will be no Loss." "Yes," says a third," he will be a dead Loss."
A REMEDY AGAINST CURTAIN LECTURES.-A few nights ago, Black, who had been out, on goin home late, borrowed an umbrella; and whe "Never go to bed," said a father to his Somebody advertises for agents to sell a son, "without knowing something you did not work entitled, "Hymeneal Instructor." A conknow in the morning." "Yes, sir," replied the temporary adds, "the best hymeneal instructor youth, "I went to bed slewed last night-didn't we know of is a young widow. What she don't dream of such a thing in the morning." know, there is no use learning."
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MORAL SUASION ON A RAM.-When a friend of, with this old fellow, and the consequence was, ours, whom we call Agricola, was a boy, he lived that the dog never looked a sheep in the face on a farm in Berkshire county, the owner of again. The ram broke every bone in his body, which was troubled by his dog Wolf. The cur literally. Wonderfully uplifted was the ram killed his sheep, knowing, perhaps, that his master aforesaid, by his exploit; his insolence became was conscientiously opposed to capital punish- intolerable; he was sure to pitch into whomsoever ment, and he could devise no means to prevent it. "I can break him of it," said Agricola, "if you will give me leave."
"Thou art permitted," said the honest farmer; and we will let Agricola tell the story in his own words.
"There was a ram on the farm," said Agricola, "as notorious for butting as Wolf was for sheep killing, and who stood in as much need of moral suasion as the dog. I shut Wolf up in the barn
went nigh him. 'I'll fix him,' said I, and so I did. I rigged an iron crow-bar out of a hole in the barn, point foremost, and hung an old hat on the end of it. You can't always tell, when you see a hat, whether there is a head in it or not; how, then, should a ram? Aries made at it full butt, and being a good marksman from long practice, the bar broke in between his horns, and came out under his tail. This little admonition effectually cured him of butting."
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The gentlest task-master we ever knew of is a blacksmith, who says every evening to his apprentices, "Come, boys, let us leave off work and go to sawing wood." That blacksmith must be a brother of a farmer down east, who one season, when he was building a house, used to try to get his hired men out to play dig cellar by moonlight.
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"I am unable," yonder beggar cries,
If you don't want to fall in love with a girl, don't commence flirting with her. This courting for fun is like boxing for fun; you put on your gloves in perfect good humor, with the most friendly intention of exchanging a few amicable blows; you find yourself insensibly When Haddix's wife kicked him out of warmed with the enthusiasm of the conflict, until bed, says he: "See here, neow! you'd better not some unlucky punch in the "veskit" decides the do that again! If you do, it might cause cool-matter, and the whole affair ends in a downright fight. Don't you see the similarity?