« ПредыдущаяПродолжить »
a short sermon, to a thin congregation, in an unworthy pulpit. Brethren, my text is malt: now I cannot divide it into sentences, because there are none; nor into words, it being but one; nor into syllables, it being but one also; therefore, I must, and necessity will oblige or rather force me to divide it into letters, which I find in my text to be four, M, A, L, T. M, my beloved, is moral, A allegorical, L literal, and T theological. Moral, my brethren, is well set forth to show and teach you drunkards good manners; wherefore, M my masters, A all of you, L listen, T to my text.
A, the allegorical, is when one thing is spoken of and another meant; the thing spoken of is malt, the thing meant is the oil of malt, or rather the spirit or strength of the malt, properly called strong beer; which you, gentlemen, make M your meat, A your apparel, L your liberty, and T your treasure. Now the literal is according to the letter, M much, A ale, L little, T thirst. Now the theological is according to the effects that it worketh, which I find in my text to be of two kinds: first, in this; secondly, in the world to come. Now the effects that I find it worketh in this world, are, in some M murder, in others A adultery, in all L looseness of life, and in many T treason. Now, the effects that I find it worketh in the world to come, are M misery, A anguish, L lamentation, and T torment. Now, my first use shall be a use of exhortation: M my masters, A all of you, L leave off, T tippling; or else M my masters, A all of you, L look for, T torment. Now, so much shall suffice for this explication; next only, by way of caution, take this for an inviolable truth, that a drunkard is the annoyance of modesty; the disturber of civility; a spoiler of wealth; the destroyer of reason; the brewer's agent; the ale
house's benefactor; the beggar's companion; the constable's perplexity; his wife's woe; his children's sorrow; his neighbour's scoff; his own shame; and a wilful madman by which he becomes a true and lively representation of a walking swill-tub, or a tavern Bacchus, in a monster of a man, by the picture of a beast. So, now, gentlemen, to conclude, I shall leave you, under the protection of the Almighty, to follow your own directions.
To say well and do well
To say well it is well,
But do well is better:
And act it in time.
"THEY ARE MINE."
A fellow of King's College, Cambridge, seated near an open window telling some bank-notes, was disconcerted by a breeze of wind suddenly blowing them out. He ran into the court in order to recover them, and, when below, looking up as they floated in the air, he espied the Provost looking down from an opposite window, upon which the disconsolate owner of the notes, in his anxiety, holding up his hands in a supplicating posture, exclaimed, They are mine! They are mine!”
" IBI SUNT CUNICULI.”
Some students, on a time, went out shooting rabbits, and it so happened that they had one amongst their party who was unaccustomed to the sport. They gave him strict charge that he should not speak if he saw any game. After some time had elapsed, he espied some rabbits, and immediately bawled to his companions, "Ibi sunt cuniculi!" at which the game fled. Being reproved for disobeying orders, he answered, "Who the devil would have thought that rabbits understood Latin ?"
Judge Burnet, son of the famous Bishop of Salisbury, when young, is said to have been of a wild and dissipated turn. Being one day found by the bishop in a very serious humour, "What is the matter with you, Tom?" said he, "what are you ruminating on?" A greater work than your lordship's History of the Reformation," answered the son. "Ay! what is that?" said the bishop?" "The reformation of myself, my lord," answered the son.
A Cantab, who had run up a reckoning at a house of entertainment some distance from Cambridge, having no money withal to discharge it, hit upon the following expedient. The host being present, he began to condemn
the wine, protesting it was execrably bad, observing"that his taste was delicate, as his father was a winemerchant; but, if the landlord would permit him to look at the cask, he had a composition with him which would make it better." The host consenting to try the experiment, they accordingly repaired to the cellar, when the Cantab bored a hole in the cask, and told the landlord to place his finger upon it, whilst he stepped up stairs for the powder, which he said he had forgotten. The landlord, waiting a long time, and finding that the Cantab did not come down, out of all patience, went up, and, lo! his guest had departed.
Mr. Henry Erskine, being one day in London, in company with the Duchess of Gordon, asked her, "Are we never again to enjoy the honour and pleasure of your grace's society at Edinburgh?" "Oh!" said her grace, Edinburgh is a vile dull place: I hate it."
replied the gallant barrister," the sun might as well say, there's a vile dark morning,—I won't rise to-day."
A malefactor, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a reprieve. To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be Bacon till he had first been hung.
On a time, two fellows of a college in Cambridge, riding together towards the Gog-Magog Hills, it chanced that a dog ran in the way of one of their horses: upon which the gentleman, to show that he had been a sportsman in his youth, calls out “bellum equus.” “Well done, old friend," cried his companion, I see you have not forgot your dog-latin."
AN AWKWARD SITUATION.
A priest sitting with his companions, over his beer, at the door of a country alehouse, as in those days they did not scruple to do, upon some one mentioning the archbishop, who at the time was Cranmer, "That man," said the priest, as great as he now is, was once but an ostler, and has no more learning than the goslings yonder on the green." Lord Essex, who was a great friend to Cranmer, hearing of it, despatched a messenger, and had him apprehended. Some months after, the archbishop, who was entirely ignorant of the affair, received a petition from the priest, full of penitence for his imprudence, and supplication for mercy. The primate sent for him, and inquired into the affair. "I hear," said he to the priest, "you have accused me of many things; amongst others, of being a very ignorant man. You have now an opportunity of setting your neighbours right in this matter, and may examine me, if you please." The priest, in great confusion, besought his grace to pardon him; and