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is not one of their grievances of this sort, but per-every body's business to speak for themselves." haps, in some ages of the world, has been highly Mr. President immediately retorted, “A handin vogue, and may be so again; nay, in some some fellow! why he is a wit, sir, and you know country or other, ten to one is so at this day. My the proverb;" and to ease the old gentleman of Lady Ample is the most miserable woman in the his scruples, cried, "That for matter of merit it world, purely of her own making. She even grudges was all one, you might wear a mask." This threw herself meat and drink, for fear she should thrive him into a pause, and he looked desirous of three by them; and is constantly crying out, In a days to consider of it; but Mr. President improved quarter of a year more I shall be quite out of all the thought, and followed him up with an old story. manner of shape! Now the lady's misfortune "That wits were privileged to wear what masks scems to be only this, that she is planted in a they pleased in all ages; and that a vizard had wrong soil; for go but to the other side of the been the constant crown of their labours, which water, it is a jest at Haerlem to talk of a shape was generally presented them by the hand of some under eighteen stone. These wise traders regulate satyr, and sometimes of Apollo himself;" for the their beauties as they do their butter, by the truth of which he appealed to the frontispiece of pound; and Miss Cross, when she first arrived in several books, and particularly to the English Juthe Low Countries, was not computed to be so venal, to which he referred him; and only added, handsome as Madam Van Brisket, by near half a" That such authors were the Larvati or Larva ton. On the other hand, there is 'Squire Lath, a donati of the ancients." This cleared up all, and proper gentleman of fifteen hundred pound per in the conclusion you were chose probationer; annum, as well as of an unblamable life and con- and Mr. President put round your health as such, versation: yet would not I be the esquire for half protesting, "That though indeed he talked of a his estate; for if it was as much more, he would vizard, he did not believe all the while you had freely part with it all for a pair of legs to his mind. any more occasion for it than the cat-a-mountain;" Whereas in the reign of our first Edward of glo- so that all you have to do now is to pay your fees, rious memory, nothing more modish than a brace which are here very reasonable, if you are not imof your fine taper supporters; and his majesty, posed upon; and you may style yourself Informis without an inch of calt, managed affairs in peace Societatis Socius: which I am desired to acquaint or war as laudably as the bravest and most politic you with; and upon the same I beg you to accept of his ancestors; and was as terrible to his neigh- of the congratulation of, bours under the royal name of Longshanks, as Cœur de Lion to the Saracens before him. If we look further back into history, we shall find that Alexander the Great wore his head a little over the left shoulder, and then not a soul stirred out till he had adjusted his neck-bone; the whole nobility addressed the prince and each other obliquely, and all matters of importance were concerted and carried on in the Macedonian court with their polls on one side. For about the first century nothing made more noise in the world than Roman noses, and then not a word of them till they revived again in eighty-eight. Nor is it so very long since Richard the Third set up half the backs of the nation; and high shoulders, as well as high noses, were the top of the fashion. But to come to ourselves, gentlemen, though I find by my quinquennial observations, that we shall never get la dies enough to make a party in our own country, yet might we meet with better success among some of our allies. And what think you if our board A FRIEND of mine has two daughters, whom I will sat for a Dutch piece? Truly I am of opinion, call Lætitia and Daphne; the former is one of the that as odd as we appear in flesh and blood, we greatest beauties of the age in which she lives, the should be no such strange things in mezzo-tinto. latter no way remarkable for any charms in her But this project may rest till our number is com- person. Upon this one circumstance of their outplete; and this being our election night, give me ward form, the good and ill of their life seems to leave to propose Mr. Spectator. You see his turn. Lætitia has not, from her very childhood, inclinations, and perhaps we may not have his heard any thing else but commendations of her features and complexion, by which means she is


'Your obliged humble servant,


'I found most of them (as is usual in all such no other than nature made her, a very beautiful cases) were prepared; but one of the seniors outside. The consciousness of her charms has ren(whom by the by Mr. President had taken all dered her insupportably vain and insolent towards this pains to bring over) sat still, and cocking his all who have to do with her. Daphne, who was alchin, which seemed only to be levelled at his nose, most twenty before one single thing had ever been very gravely declared, "That in case he had had said to her, found herself obliged to acquire some sufficient knowledge of you, no man should have accomplishments to make up for the want of those been more willing to have served you; but that attractions which she saw in her sister. he, for his part, had always had regard to his own Daphne was seldom submitted to in a debate nscience, as well as other people's merit; and wherein she was concerned; her discourse had nodid not know but that you might be a handsome thing to recommend it but the good sense of it, haw; for as for your own certificate, it was and she was always under a necessity to have very well considered what she was to say before she


to r

yden, we are told, in the plates to his translation of Viruttered it: while Lætitia was listened to with par drew neas always represented with a Roman nose, in com

to King William.

tiality, and approbation sat in the countenances of

'Oxford, March 21.'


N° 33. SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 1711.

Fervidus tecum puur,et solutis
Gratia zonis, properentque nymphæ.
Et parum coniis sine te juventas,

HOR. 1 Od. xxx. 5.
The graces with their zones unloos'd;
The nymphs their beauties all expos'd;
From every spring and every plain;
Thy pow'rful, hot, and winged boy;
And youth, that's dull without thy joy;
And Mercury compose thy train.

A. €.

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those she conversed with, before she communicated learning and sense, after eight years what she had to say. These causes have produced university, and a course of travels into. suitable effects, and Lætitia is as insipid a com- tries of Europe, owe the first raising of. panion as Daphne is an agreeable one. Lætitia, tunes to a cosmetic wash. confident of favour, has studied no arts to please; Daphne, despairing of any inclination towards her universal a disposition in womankind, which springs This has given me occasion to consider how person, has depended only on her merit, Lætitia from a laudable motive, the desire of pleasing, and has always something in her air that is sullen, grave, proceeds upon an opinion, not altogether groundand disconsolate. Daphne has a countenance that less, that nature may be helped by art, may be appears cheerful, open, and unconcerned. A young turned to their advantage. gentleman saw Lætitia this winter at a play, and would be an acceptable service to take them out And, methinks, it became her captive. His fortune was such, that of the hands of quacks and pretenders, and to prehe wanted very little introduction to speak his vent their imposing upon themselves, by discoversentiments to her father. The lover was admitted ing to them the true secret and art of improving with the utmost freedom into the family, where a beauty. constrained behaviour, severe looks, and distant civilities, were the highest favours he could obtain of Latitia; while Daphne used him with the good bamour, familiarity, and innocence of a sister: insomuch that he would often say to her, Dear of features alone, any more than she can be witty Daphne, wert thou but as handsome as Lætitia-only by the help of speech.


it will be necessary to lay down a few preliminary In order to this, before I touch upon it directly, maxims, viz.

That no woman can be handsome by the force

She received such language with that ingenuous

and pleasing mirth, which is natural to woman and affectation is a more terrible enemy to fine That pride destroys all symmetry and grace, faces than the small-pox.

remark, that woman's strongest passion is for not affect the heart; and she who takes no care to own beauty, and that she values it as her fadd to the natural graces of her person any excelTurite distinction. From hence it is that all arts, hich pretend to improve it or preserve it, meet lent qualities, may be allowed still to amuse as a th so general a reception among the sex. To saying Eve in Paradise, and relating to the angel the picture, but not to triumph as a beauty. hing of many false helps and contraband wares impressions he felt upon seeing her at her first of beauty, which are daily vended in this great creation, he does not represent her like a Grecian

When Adam is introduced by Milton, describ

, there is not a maiden gentlewoman of a good Venus, by her shape or features, but by the lustre ly, in any country of South Britain, who has of her mind which shone in them, and gave them heard of the virtues of May-dew, or is unfur.]

ished with some receipt or other in favour of her their power of charming:

mplexion; and I have known a physician of

Hughes. See another letter of his on the same subject, No. 53.

abo No. 06.


who is not incapable of being false.
That no woman is capable of being beautiful,

deformity in a mistress.
'And, That what would be odious in a friend, is

will be easy to prove, that the true art of assisting
'From these few principles, thus laid down, it
beauty consists in embellishing the whole person


without design. He still sighed in vain for Lætitia, but found certain relief in the agreeable conversation of Daphne. At length, heartily tired with the haughty impertinence of Lætitia, and charmed with the repeated instances of good-humour he had observed in Daphne, he one day told the latter, that he had something to say to her he hoped she would be pleased with--Faith, Daphne,' continued he, I am in love with thee, and despise by the proper ornaments of virtuous and comhy sister sincerely. The manner of his declaring mendable qualities. By this help alone it is, that himself gave his mistress occasion for a very hearty those who are the favourite work of nature, or, as laughter. Nay,' says he, I knew you would Mr. Dryden expresses it, the porcelain clay of hulaugh at me, but I will ask your father.' He did mankind, become animated, and are in a capacity 50 the father received his intelligence with no of exerting their charms: and those who seem to less joy than surprise, and was very glad he had be neglected by her, like models wrought in haste, how no care left but for his beauty, which he are capable in a great measure of finishing what thought he could carry to market at his leisure. I she has left imperfect. do not know any thing that has pleased me so much a great while as this conquest of my friend that sex, which was created to refine the joys and It is, methinks, a low and degrading idea of Daphne's. All her acquaintance congratulated her soften the cares of humanity, by the most agree upon her chance-medley, and laugh at that preme-able participation, to consider them merely as obditating murderer her sister. As it is an argument jects of sight. This is abridging them of their natuof a light mind, to think the worse of ourselves for ral extent of power, to put them upon a level with the imperfections of our person, it is equally below their pictures at Kneller's. How much nobler is us to value ourselves upon the advantages of them. the contemplation of beauty, heightened by virtue, The female world seem to be almost incorrigibly and commanding our esteem and love, while it gone astray in this particular; for which reason I draws our observation! How faint and spiritless all recommend the following extract out of a are the charms of a coquette, when compared with friend's letter to the professed beauties, who are the real loveliness of Sophronia's innocence, piety, people almost as insufferable as the professed good-humour, and truth; virtues which add a new softness to her sex, and even beautify her beauty! That agreeableness which must otherwise have preserved in the tender mother, the prudent appeared no longer in the modest virgin, is now


'MONSIEUR St. Evremond has concluded one of essays with affirming, that the last sighs of a dsome woman are not so much for the loss of Pursued too far, yet it is turned upon a very ob./spread upon canvass may entertain the eye, but life as of her beauty. Perhaps this raillery is friend, and the faithful wife. Colours artfully

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"Grace was in all her steps, heav'n in her eye,
In all her gestures dignity and love!"

Without this irradiating power, the proudst


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air one ought to know, whatever her glass may his whole reign. He then showed by the examitell her to the contrary, that her most perfect fea-ples of Horace, Juvenal, Boileau, and the best writures are uninformed and dead. ters of every age, that the follies of the stage and I cannot better close this moral, than by a short court had never been accounted too sacred for ri. epitaph written by Ben Jonson, with a spirit which | dicule, how great soever the persons might be that nothing could inspire but such an object as I have patronized them. But after all,' says he, 'I think been describing: your raillery has made too great an excursion, in attacking several persons of the inns of court; and I do not believe you can show me any precedent for your behaviour in that particular.'

My good friend Sir Roger de Coverley, who had said nothing all this while, began his speech with a Pish! and told us, that he wondered to see so many men of sense so very serious upon fooleries, 'Let our good friend,' says he, attack every one that deserves it: I would only advise you, Mr. Spectator, applying himself to me, to take care how you meddle with country squires. They are the ornaments of the English nation; men of good heads and sound bodies! and let me tell you, some of them take it ill of you, that you mention foxhunters with so little respect.'


"Underneath this stone doth lie
As much virtue as could die:
Which when alive did vigour give
To as much beauty as could live."

⚫ I am, SIR,

"Your most humble servant,


R. B."


N° 34. MONDAY, APRIL 9, 1711.


·Cognatis maculis similis fera

JUV. Sat. xx. 159.
From spotted skins the leopard does refrain.

Captain Sentry spoke very sparingly on this occasion. What he said was only to commend my prudence in not touching upon the army, and advised me to continue to act discreetly in that point.

THE club of which I am a member, is very luckily composed of such persons as are engaged in different ways of life, and deputed as it were out of the most conspicuous classes of mankind. By this means I am furnished with the greatest variety of hints and materials, and know every thing that passes in the different quarters and divisions, not only of this great city, but of the whole kingdom. My readers too have the satisfaction to find, that there is no rank or degree among them who have While I was thus musing with myself, my wor not their representative in this club, and that there thy friend the Clergyman, who, very luckily for is always somebody present who will take eare of me, was at the club that night, undertook my their respective interests, that nothing may be cause. He told us, that he wondered any order of written or published to the prejudice or infringe-persons should think themselves too considerable ment of their just rights and privileges, to be advised. That it was not quality, but inno

He after

I last night sat very late in company with this cence, which exempted men from reproof. That select body of friends, who entertained me with vice and folly ought to be attacked wherever they several remarks which they and others had made could be met with, and especially when they were. upon these my speculations, as also with the various placed in high and conspicuous stations of life. success which they had met with among their seve-He further added, that my paper would only serve ral ranks and degrees of readers. Will Honey-to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly excomb told me, in the softest manner he could, that posed those who are already depressed, and in there were some ladies (but for your comfort, says some measure turned into ridicule, by the meanness Will, they are not those of the most wit) that were of their conditions and circumstances offended at the liberties I had taken with the wards procceded to take notice of the great use opera and the puppet-show; that some of them this paper might be of to the public, by reprewere likewise very much surprised that I should hending those vices which are too trivial for the think such serious points as the dress and equipage chastisement of the law, and too fantastical for the of persons of quality, proper subjects for raillery.cognizance of the pulpit. He then advised me to He was going on, when Sir Andrew Freeport prosecute my undertaking with cheerfulness, and took him up short, and told him, that the papers assured me, that, whoever might be displeased he hinted at, had done great good in the city, and with me, I should be approved by all those whose that all their wives and daughters were the better praises do honour to persons on whom they are for them; and further added, that the whole city bestowed. thought themselves very much obliged to me for declaring my generous intentions to scourge vice and folly as they appear in a multitude, without condescending to be a publisher of particular intrigues and cuckoldoms. In short,' says Sir Andrew, if you avoid that foolish beaten road of makes use of Will Honeycomb immediately falling upon aldermen and citizens, and employ agreed, that what he had said was right; and that, your pen upon the vanity and luxury of courts, for his part, he would not insist upon the quarter your paper must needs be of general use.' which he had demanded for the ladies. Sir An

Upon this my friend the Templar told Sir An-drew gave up the city with the same frankness. drew, that he wondered to hear a man of his sense The Templar would not stand out, and was folalk after that manner; that the city had always lowed by Sir Roger and the Captain: who all en the province for satire; and that the wits of agreed that I should be at liberty to carry the war Ang Charles's time jested upon nothing else during into what quarter I pleased; provided I continued

By this time I found every subject of my specu lations was taken away from me, by one or other of the club; and began to think myself in the condition of the good man that had one wife who took a dislike to his grey hairs, and another to his black, till by their picking out what each of them had an aversion to, they left his head altogether bald and naked.

The whole club pays a particular deference to the discourse of this gentleman, and are drawn into what he says, as much by the candid ingenuous manner with which he delivers himself, as by the strength of argument and force of reason which he

to combat with criminals in a body, and to assault represents an empty rake, in one of his plays, as the vice without hurting the person. very much surprised to hear one say that breaking This debate, which was held for the good of of windows was not humour; and question not mankind, put me in mind of that which the Roman but several English readers will be as much startled triumvirate were formerly engaged in for their de- to hear me affirm, that many of those raving instruction. Every man at first stood hard for his coherent pieces, which are often spread among us, friend, till they found that by this means they under odd chimerical titles, are rather the offshould spoil the proscription: and at length, mak- springs of a distempered brain than works of huing a sacrifice of all their acquaintance and rela-mour. tions, furnished out a very decent execution.

It is indeed much easier to describe what is not Having thus taken my resolutions to march on humour, than what is; and very difficult to define boldly in the cause of virtue and good sense, and it otherwise than as Cowley has done wit, by neto annoy their adversaries in whatever degree gatives. Were I to give my own notions of it, I or rank of men they may be found; I shall be would deliver them after Plato's manner, in a deaf for the future to all the remonstrances that kind of allegory, and by supposing Humour to be a shall be made to me on this account. If Punch person, deduce to him all his qualifications, acSTOWS extravagant, I shall reprimand him very cording to the following genealogy. Truth was treely. If the stage becomes a nursery of folly the founder of the family, and the father of Good and impertinence, I shall not be afraid to animad- Sense. Good Sense was the father of Wit, who vert upon it. In short, if I meet with any thing married a lady of collateral line called Mirth, by in city, court, or country, that shocks modesty or whom he had issue Humour. Humour therefore good manners, I shall use my utmost endeavours being the youngest of this illustrious family, and to make an example of it. I must, however, in- descended from parents of such different disposireat every particular person, who does me the tions, is very various and unequal in his temper; onour to be a reader of this paper, never to think sometimes you see him putting on grave looks and himself, or any one of his friends or enemies, aim-a solemn habit, sometimes airy in his behaviour dat in what is said: for I promise him, never to and fantastic in his dress; insomuch that at difraw a faulty character which does not fit at least ferent times he appears as serious as a judge, and thousand people; or to publish a single paper, as jocular as a merry andrew. But as he has a That is not written in the spirit of benevolence, great deal of the mother in his constitution, whatd with a love to mankind. ever mode he is in, he never fails to make his company laugh.



No 35. TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 1711.


But since there is an impostor abroad, who takes upon him the name of this young gentleman, and would willingly pass for him in the world; to the end that well-meaning persons may not be imposed upon by cheats, I would desire my readers, when they meet with this pretender, to look into his parentage, and to examine him strictly, whether or no he be remotely allied to Truth, and lineally descended from Good Sense; if not, they may conclude him a counterfeit. They may likewise dis

Risu inepto res ineptior nulla est.

Nothing so foolish as the laugh of fools.

ON all kinds of writing there is none in which hors are more apt to miscarry than in works of our, as there are none in which they are more tinguish him by a loud and excessive laughter, in tious to excel. It is not an imagination that which he seldom gets his company to join with is with monsters, an head that is filled with him. For as True Humour generally looks serivagant conceptions, which is capable of fur-ous, while every body laughs about him; False ng the world with diversions of this nature; Humour is always laughing, whilst everybody yet, if we look into the productions of several about him looks serious. I shall only add, if he ers, who set up for men of humour, what wild has not in him a mixture of both parents, that is, ular fancies, what unnatural distortions of if he would pass for the offspring of Wit without ght do we meet with? If they speak nonsense, Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may conclude believe they are talking humour; and when him to be altogether spurious and a cheat. have drawn together a scheme of absurd, in- The impostor of whom I am speaking, descends stent ideas, they are not able to read it over originally from Falsehood, who was the mother of selves without laughing. These poor gen-Nonsense, who was brought to bed of a son called En endeavour to gain themselves the reputa- Frenzy, who married one of the daughters of of wits and humourists, by such monstrous Folly, commonly known by the name of Laughits as almost qualify them for Bedlam; not ter, on whom he begot that monstrous infant of ering that humour should always lie under which I have here been speaking. I shall set down eck of reason, and that it requires the direc- at length the genealogical table of False Humour, the nicest judgment, by so much the more and, at the same time, place under it the genealogy lges itself in the most boundless freedoms. of True Humour, that the reader may at one view is a kind of nature that is to be observed in behold their different pedigrees and relations. Ert of compositions, as well as in all other; certain regularity of thought which must disthe writer to be a man of sense, at the same at he appears altogether given up to caFor my part, when I read the delirious of an unskilful author, I cannot be so baras to divert myself with it, but am rather pity the man, than laugh at any thing he

deceased Mr. Shadwell, who had himself a cal of the talent which I am treating of



Frenzy....... Laughter.

False Humour.


Good Sense.
Wit...... Mirth.


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I might extend the allegory, by mentioning seve-portunity to part with every thing which does not ral of the children of False Humour, who are more contribute to the representation of human life; and in number than the sands of the sea, and might in shall make a free gift of all animated utensils to particular enumerate the many sons and daughters your projector. The hangings you formerly menwhich he has begot in this island. But as this tioned are run away; as are likewise a set of would be a very invidious task, I shall only ob- chairs, each of which was met upon two legs going serve in general, that False Humour differs from through the Rose Tavern at two this morning. We the True, as a monkey does from a man. hope, sir, you will give proper notice to the town that we are endeavouring at these regulations; and that we intend for the future to show no monsters, but men who are converted into such by their own industry and affectation. If you will please to be at the house to night, you will see me do my endeavour to show some unnatural appearances which Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, insomuch are in vogue among the polite and well-bred. I that he will bite the hand that feeds him, and en- am to present, in the character of a fine lady deavour to ridicule both friends and foes indiffer-dancing, all the distortions which are frequently ently. For having but small talents he must be taken for graces in mien and gesture. This, sir, is merry where he can, not where he should. a specimen of the method we shall take to expose the monsters which come within the notice of a regular theatre; and we desire nothing more gross may be admitted by you Spectators for the future. We have cashiered three companies of theatrical guards, and design our kings shall for the future make love, and sit in council, without an army; and wait only your direction, whether you will have them reinforce King Porus, or join the troops of Macedon. Mr. Penkethman resolves to consult his pantheon of heathen gods in opposition to the ora cle of Delphos, and doubts not but he shall turn the fortune of Porus, when he personates him. I am desired by the company to inform you, that they submit to your censures; and shall have you in greater veneration than Hercules was of old, if you can drive monsters from the theatre; and think your merit will be as much greater than his, as to convince is more than to conquer. 'I am, SIR, 'Your most obedient servant, 'T. D.'

First of all, He is exceedingly given to little apish tricks and buffooneries.

Secondly, He so much delights in mimicry, that it is all one to him whether he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and avarice; or, on the contrary, virtue and wisdom, pain and poverty.

Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, he pursues no point either of morality or instruction, but is ludicrous only for the sake of being so.

Fifthly, Being incapable of having any thing but mock representations, his ridicule is always personal, and aimed at the vicious man, or the writer; not at the vice, or the writing.

I bave here only pointed at the whole species of false humourists; but as one of my principal designs in this paper is to beat down that malignant spirit which discovers itself in the writings of the present age, I shall not scruple, for the future, to single out any of the small wits, that infest the world with such compositions as are ill-natured, immoral, and absurd. This is the only exception which I shall make to the general rule I have prescribed myself, of attacking multitudes, since every honest man ought to look upon himself as in a natural state of war with the libeller and lampooner, and to annoy them wherever they fall in his way. This is but retaliating upon them, and treating them as they treat others.



N° 36. WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 1711.

WHEN I acquaint you with the great and unex
pected vicissitudes of my fortune, I doubt not but
I shall obtain your pity and favour. I have for
many years past been Thunderer to the playhouse;
and have not only made as much noise out of the
clouds as any predecessor of mine in the theatre
that ever bore that character, but also have de-
scended and spoke on the stage as the bold Thun-
der in The Rehearsal. When they got me down
thus low, they thought fit to degrade me further,
and make me a ghost. I was contented with this
for these two last winters; but they carry their

VIRG. Æn. iii. 583.
Things the most out of nature we endure.

I SHALL not put myself to any further pains for this
day's entertainment, than barely to publish the let-tyranny still further, and not satisfied that I am
ters and titles of petitions from the playhouse, with banished from above ground, they have given me
the minutes I have made upon the latter for my to understand that I am wholly to depart their
conduct in relation to them.

dominions, and taken from me even my subterra-
neous employment. Now, sir, what I desire of
you is, that if your undertaker thinks fit to use
fire-arms (as other authors have done) in the time
of Alexander, I may be a cannon against Porus,
or else provide for me in the burning of Persepo
lis, or what other method you shall think fit.

Perferimus :

Immania monstra

'Drury Lane, April the 9th.

Uron reading the project which is set forth in one
of your late papers,* of making an alliance be-
tween all the bulls, bears, elephants, and lions,
which are separately exposed to public view in the
cities of London and Westminster; together with the
other wonders, shows, and monsters, whereof you
made respective mention in the said speculation;
The petition of all the Devils of the playhouse
we, the chief actors of this playhouse, met and in behalf of themselves and families, setting forth
sat upon the said design. It is with great delight their expulsion from thence, with certificates of
that we expect the execution of this work; and in their good life and conversation, and praying re-
order to contribute to it, we have given warning to lief.
all our ghosts to get their livelihoods where they
The merit of this petition referred to Mr. Chr.
can, and not to appear among us after day-break of Rich, who made them devils.
the 16th instant. We are resolved to take this op

⚫ See No. 31.

See Tat. Nos. 42 and 99.

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