and that he would easily get me cast into another extreme, to assume a latitude beyond what was due. Thus I was well nigh entangled in that yoke of bondage which the Lord had so lately broken, and deceived into a voluntary humility and mortification, being vainly puffed up to it by my fleshly mind. 4. I began to count upon enlargement and success in duty, as what was not only my due, but what I should always have, and that it was more mine own than really it was. I began to speak of it with delight; like the disciples I said, "Lord, even the devils are subject to us." 5. I looked upon this stock of grace I had obtained, as what would be sufficient to carry me through all my difficulties; and saw not that the grace that was sufficient was yet in the Lord's hand.

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But now the Lord quickly undeceived me: for, 1. After a little, he began to hide himself. 2. He gave me a thorn in the flesh to humble me." My corruptions began to stir again, and, like giants refreshed by wine, to make furious assaults. 3. A messenger of Satan was sent to buffet me, and I began to feel the fury of his temptations.

On this I was cast into great perplexity; 1. I fell into deep sorrow: "Thou didst hide thy face, and I was troubled." 2. I began to question the truth of former manifestations, and to say, with the disciples, "We thought it had been he that should have redeemed Israel." 3. I began to doubt of my steadfast adherence, and to say, "One day I shall perish by the hand of Saul." And, 4. I began to quarrel secretly with the Lord, as if he had deceived

me, and to say, Why hast thou not delivered me? Why is my bondage increased since thou began to appear for my deliverance?

Under this condition, I tried all means, but run often to wrong ways. 1. I complained, and then my soul was overwhelmed. 2. "I thought upon God;" but not finding the discoveries as before, "I was troubled." 3. I inquired into the causes of this: "Wherefore hidest thou thy face? Why art thou so far from helping?" But here my spirit often began to go too far, and even to say, " Wilt thou be always as a liar, and as waters that fail?” And then I retracted, and was sunk deeper for my wickedness in chiding with God. 4. I endeavoured to shake myself, and to go to duty as before: "I wist not that the Lord was departed;" that my locks were shaven, and that the enemy that lay in my bosom, had discovered my strength, and got between me and it.

On this I was exceeding melancholy, and so much the more, that now I remembered all my goodly pleasant things I enjoyed before I fell into the enemy's hand." But yet, when after the violence of my conflict, I recovered myself, I could not but see that things were better at my worst state, than formerly in my best. For, 1. The Lord gave frequent manifestations of his countenance: "he showed himself at the windows, and at the lattices;" and sometimes" put in his hand by the hole of the door, and spoke kindly; and my bowels were moved for him." 2. He frequently let me see somewhat of his "power and glory in the sanctuary;" opened a

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Scripture, and made my heart burn; or unfolded my case, and " told me all that was in my heart;" or let me see the end of my enemies. 3. Sometimes he allowed me access to him, and made me come even to his seat, and " pour out my soul to him." 4. When I was at my lowest, I stood otherwise affected to Christ than before. Though I could not run after him, yet I unwillingly staid away: My soul longed after him;" "when wilt thou come?” I frequently breathed for my affections being drawn out, "Draw me, and I will run after thee." Sometimes I attempted to stretch out the withered hand, and wished for the command that would empower me to lay hold on him; I still held to this, that salvation only is to be found in him. I refused to go any where else, but resolved to wait on; and though he should "slay me, yet trust in him" I would. 5. As to the law of the Lord, though I could not run as when my heart was enlarged, yet my will still tended that way; I longed to walk, and run, and for that enlargement that would make me run; I breathed after conformity to it; I had no quarrel at it, but with myself: "I delighted in the law after the inward man." 6. As to sin, there was a great difference; though I could not delight in duty as before, I abhorred thoughts of delighting in sin; I was sometimes, by the power of temptation, driven to consent to its seductions; but it was just such a forced consent, as, by the power of conviction, I before gave to the law. Whenever I came to myself, I retracted it: "My repentings were kindled within me." Though it prevailed, my

heart was not with it as before. I found another sort of opposition made to it; it was dead in purpose and design; and if it gained victory, I was the more enraged against it: in a word, as to the law of God, I was as a sick man, with his friends sitting at his bed-side; he has no aversion to them, though he cannot delight in them as before; he reflects with such a pleasure, as his present case allows, upon the satisfaction he has had in their converse, and wishes to be in a condition for enjoying it again; but I was quite different with respect to sin. Finally, This deadness was now a preternatural state; I could not rest in it, but cried daily, "When wilt thou revive me?" I loathed myself for it; I wearied, I endeavoured to break prison; I looked back to former seasons, when it had been otherwise, and often said, "O that it were with me as in months past!"

CHAPTER IV.

An Account of my Strugglings with Indwelling Sin, its Victories, the Causes of them on my part, and God's Goodness with respect to this Trial.

I HAD not been long in this pleasant case, before I found my mistake, that enemies were not foiled, and that I must down into the valley, and "wrestle with principalities and powers;" and fight with no less enemies than the Anakims. My corruptions, self, passion, &c. and especially those "sins which easily

beset me," which formerly I was so careful to have spared, and which I refused to deliver up to justice, set upon me. And finding that I was now no more theirs as formerly, they frequently vanquished me; I often fell before them, and multiplied relapses: "When I would do good, evil was present with me," and the good I would do, through their power, "I did not, and the evil I would not do, that I did." Thus I learned, that the difference betwixt the Lord's people and others is not simply in this, that the one falls, and the other stands, but that there is a difference in the issue: "The just man falleth seven times a day, but the wicked shall fall into mischief."

Now though I was unwilling to fight, I drew to my armour upon the appearance of these enemies, who received great advantage by that security into which I had fallen. And before ever I was aware, they received a great advantage, and I could not easily get from them again. But however, since fight I must, I tried what weapons would be most successful. And, 1. I objected to them, that now I had no more to do with them; I had engaged with the Lord. 2. I endeavoured to reason against them, as Joseph did, but without his faith, "Shall I do this great evil, and sin against God?" 3. When they still persisted, I endeavoured to flee from them, and avoid the occasions: but the enemy was in my bosom. 4. I prayed against them, that the Lord would rebuke them. 5. I complained of them as his enemies. 6. I protested against them. And many other ways did I try.