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ed with them as I was. I have nothing to doing sheriff; however, at last the society was in this day's entertainment, but taking the sen- formed, and proper officers were appointed; tence from the end of the Cambridge letter, and the day was fixed for the entertainment, and placing it at the front of my paper, to show the author I wish him my companion with as much earnestness as he invites me to be his.

'SIR,

which was in venison season. A pleasant fellow of King's-college (commonly called Crab, from his sour look, and the only man who did not pretend to get off) was nominated for chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one to sit I send you the enclosed, to be inserted (if in the elbow-chair, by way of president, at the you think them worthy of it) in your Spec-upper end of the table; and there the business tators; in which so surprising a genius ap-stuck, for there was no contention for superipears, that it is no wonder if all mankind en-ority there. This affair made so great a noise, deavours to get somewhat into a paper which that the King, who was then at Newmarket, will always live. heard of it, and was pleased merrily and graAs to the Cambridge affair, the humour ciously to say, "He could not be there himwas really carried on in the way I describe it. self, but he would send them a brace of However, you have a full commission to put bucks."

out or in, and to do whatever you think fit 'I would desire you, sir, to set this affair in with it I have already had the satisfaction of a true light, that posterity may not be misled seeing you take that liberty with some things in so important a point: for when the "wise I have before sent you. Go on, sir, and pros-man who shall write your true history" shall per. You have the best wishes of,

"

Sir,

Your very affectionate

and obliging humble servant.'

MR. SPECTATOR,

acquaint the world, that you had a diploma sent from the Ugly Club at Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were admitted into it, what a learned war will there be among future critics about the original of that club, which both Cambridge. universities will contend so warmly for? And "You well know it is of great consequence to perhaps some hardy Cantabrigian author may clear titles, and it is of importance that it be then boldly affirin, that the word Oxford was done in the proper season; on which account, an interpolation of some Oxonian instead of this is to assure you, that the club of Ugly Cambridge. This affair will be best adjustFaces was instituted originally at Cambridge. ed in your life-time; but I hope your affection in the merry reign of King Charles II. As in to your mother will not make you partial to

great bodies of men it is not difficult to find

your aunt.

members enough for such a club, so (I remem- 'To tell you, sir, my own opinion: Though I ber) it was then feared, upon their intention of cannot find any ancient records of any acts of dining together, that the hall belonging to the society of the Ugly Faces, considered in a Clare-hall, the ugliest then in the town, (though public capacity; yet, in a private one, they have now the neatest) would not be large enough certainly antiquity on their side. I am perhandsomely to hold the company. Invitations suaded they will hardly give place to the Lownwere made to great numbers, but very few gers, and the Lowngers are of the same standaccepted them without much difficulty. One ing with the university itself.

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To Mr. Spectator.

'The humble Petition of WHO and WHICH, 'Showeth,

pleaded, that being at London, in a booksel- Though we well know, sir, you want no moler's shop, a lady going by with a great belly tive to do justice, yet I am commissioned to tell longed to kiss him. He had certainly been ex- you, that you are invited to be admitted ad euncused, but that evidence appeared, that indeed dem at Cambridge; and I believe I may venone in London did pretend she longed to kiss ture safely to deliver this as the wish of our him, but that it was only a pick-pocket, who whole university.' during his kissing her stole away all his money. Another would have got off by a dimple in his chin; but it was proved upon him, that he had, by coming into a room, made a woman miscarry, and frightened two children into fits. That your petitioners being in a forlorn A third alledged, that he was taken by a lady and destitute condition, know not to whom we for another gentleman, who was one of the should apply ourselves for relief, because there handsomest in the university: but upon inquiry is hardly any man alive who hath not injured it was found that the lady had actually lost one us. Nay, we speak it with sorrow, even you eye, and the other was very much upon the yourself, whom we should suspect of such a decline. A fourth produced letters out of the practice the last of all mankind, can hardly accountry in his vindication, in which a gentle-quit yourself of having given us some cause of man offered him his daughter, who had lately complaint. We are descended of ancient famifallen in love with him, with a good fortune; lies, and kept up our dignity and honour many but it was made appear, that the young lady years, till the jack-sprat THAT supplanted us. was amorous, and had like to have run away How often have we found ourselves slighted with her father's coachman, so that it was sup-by the clergy in their pulpits, and the lawyers posed, that her pretence of falling in love with at the bar? Nay, how often have we heard, in him, was only in order to be well married. It one of the most polite and august assemblies in was pleasant to hear the several excuses which the universe, to our great mortification, these were made, insomuch that some made as much words, "That THAT that noble lord urged;" interest to be excused, as they would from serv- which if one of us had had justice done, would

have sounded nobler thus, "That WHICH that or two which came from ladies, and from noble lord urged." Senators themselves, the thence leave the reader to judge whether I am guardians of British liberty, have degraded us, in the right or not, in thinking it is possible and preferred THAT to us; and yet no decree fine women may be mistaken. The following was ever given against us. In the very acts of address seems to have no other design in it, parliament, in which the utmost right should but to tell me the writer will do what she pleabe done to every body, word, and thing, we ses for all me. find ourselves often either not used, or used one instead of another. In the first and best

'MR. SPECTATOR,

you may think of the matter) I design to pass
away in hearing music, going to plays, visit-
ing, and all other satisfactions which fortune
and youth, protected by innocence and virtue,
can procure for,
Sir,
'Your most humble servant,

prayer children are taught, they learn to mis- 'I am young, and very much inclined to foluse us: "Our Father, WHICH art in heavrn," low the paths of innocence; but at the same should be "Our Father, WHO art in heaven;" time, as I have a plentiful fortune, and am of and even a Convocation, after long debates, quality, I am unwilling to resign the pleasures refused to consent to an alteration of it. In of distinction, some little satisfaction in being our General Confession we say, "Spare thou admired in general, and much greater in being them, O God, WHICH Confess their faults," beloved by a gentleman, whom I design to which ought to be "WHO Confess their faults." make my husband. But I have a mind to put What hopes then have we of having justice off entering into matrimony till another winter done us, when the makers of our very prayers is over my head, which (whatever, musty sir, and laws, and the most learned in all faculties, seem to be in a confederacy against us, and our enemies themselves must be our judges. 'The Spanish proverb says, El sabio muda consejo, el necio no; i. e. “A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will." So that we think you, sir, a very proper person to address to, since we know you to be capable of being convinced, and changing your judgment. You are well able to settle this affair, and to you we submit our cause. We desire you to assign the butts and bounds of each of us; and that for the future we may both enjoy our own. We would desire to be heard by our counsel, but that we fear in their very pleadings they would betray our cause: besides, we have been oppressed so many years, that we can appear no other way but in forma pauperis. All which considered, we hope you will be pleased to do that which to right and justice shall ap-of affection taken in at the eyes only; and you "And your petitioners, &c.'

pertain.

R.

No. 79.]

Thursday, May 31, 1711. Oderunt peccar eboni virtutis amore,

Creceh.

M. T

'My lover does not know I like him, thereto stay and know whether I may not like any fore having no engagements upon me, I think

one else better.'

I have heard Will Honeycomb say, 'A woman seldom writes her mind but in her postciently discovered her's in this. I will lay what script. I think this gentlewoman has suffi

ite, and can tell her that she will like ten more wager she pleases against her present favourbefore she is fixed, and then will take the worst man she ever liked in her life. There is no end

may as well satisfy those eyes with seeing, as control any passion received by them only. It is from loving by sight. that coxcombs so frequently succeed with women, and very often a young lady is bestowed by her parents to a man who weds her as innocence itself, though Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xvi. 52. she has, in her own heart, given her approbaThe good, for virtue's sake, abhor to sin. tion of a different man in every assembly she was in the whole year before. What is wantI have received very many letters of late ing among women as well as among men, is 'from my female correspondents, most of whom the love of laudable things, and not to rest onare very angry with me for abridging their ly on the forbearance of such as are reproachpleasures, and looking severely upon things in ful. themselves indifferent. But I think they are How far removed from a woman of this light extremely unjust to me in this imputation. All imagination is Eudosia! Eudosia has all the I contend for is, that those excellencies, which arts of life and good-breeding with so much are to be regarded but in the second place, ease, that the virtue of her conduct looks more should not precede more weighty considera-like instinct than choice. It is as little difficult tions. The heart of man deceives him in spite to her to think justly of persons and things, as of the lectures of half a life spent in dicourses it is to a woman of different accomplishments on the subjection of passion; and I do not to move ill or look awkward. That which was, know why one may not think the heart of wo- at first, the effect of instruction, is grown into man as unfaithful to itself. If we grant an an habit; and it would be as hard for Eudosia equality in the faculties of both sexes, the to indulge a wrong suggestion of thought, as it minds of women are less cultivated with pre- would be for Flavia, the fine dancer, to come cepts, and consequently may, without disre-into a room with an unbecoming air. spect to them, be accounted more liable to il- But the misapprehensions people themselves luzion, in cases wherein natural inclination is have of their own state of mind, is laid down out of the interests of virtue. I shall take up with much discerning in the following letter, my present time in commenting upon a billet which is but an extract of a kind epistle from VOL. I.

14

my charming mistress Hecatissa, who is above can say black is her eye." She has no secrets, the vanity of external beauty, and is the better forsooth, which should make her afraid to speak judge of the perfections of the mind.

MR. SPECTATOR,

her mind, and therefore she is impertinently blunt to all her acquaintance, and unseasonably imperious to all her family. Dear sir, be pleased to put such books into our hands as may make our virtue more inward, and convince some of us, that in a mind truly virtuous, the scorn of vice is always accompanied with the pity of it. This and other things are impatiently expected from you by our whole sex; among the rest by, 'Sir,

R.

'I write this to acquaint you, that very many ladies, as well as myself, spend many hours more than we used at the glass, for want of the female library, of which you promised us a catalogue. I hope sir, in the choice of authors for us, you will have a particular regard to books of devotion. What they are, and how many must be your chief care; for upon the propriety of such writings depends a great deal. I have known those among us who think,| if they every morning and evening spend an hour in their closet, and read over so many prayers in six or seven books of devotion, all No. 80.] equally nonsensical, with a sort of warmth, (that might as well be raised by a glass of wine, or a dram of citron) they may all the rest of their time go on in whatever their particular passion leads them to. The beauteous Philautia, who is (in your language) an idol, is one of these votaries; she has a very pretty furnished closet, to which she retires at her appointed hours--This is her dressing-room, as well as chapel; she has constantly before her a large looking-glass; and upon the table, according to a very witty author,

"Together lie her prayer-book and paint

Your most humble servant,

Friday, June 1, 1711.

'B. D."

Cælum, non animum, mutant, qui trans mare currunt.
Hor. Lib. 1. Ep. xi. 27.

Those that beyond-sea go, will sadly find,
They change their climate only, not their mind.
Creech.

In the year 1688, and on the same day of that year, were born in Cheapside, London, two females of exquisite feature and shape; the one we shall call Brunetta, the other Phillis. A close intimacy between their parents made each of them the first acquaintance the other knew in the world. They played, dressed baAt once t'improve the sinner and the saint.' bies, acted, visitings, learned to dance, and make courtesies, together. They were insepa"It must be a good sense, if one could be rable companions in all the little entertainments present at it, to see this idol by turns lift up her their tender years were capable of: which ineyes to heaven, and steal glances at her own nocent happiness continued until the beginning dear person. It cannot but be a pleasing con- of their fifteenth year, when it happened that flict between vanity and humiliation. When Phillis had an head-dress on, which became her you are upon this subject, choose books which so well, that instead of being beheld any more elevate the mind above the world, and give a with pleasure for their amity to each other, the pleasing indifference to little things in it. For eyes of the neighbourhood were turned to rewant of such instructions, I am apt to believe mark them with comparison of their beauty. so many people take it in their heads to be sul They now no longer enjoyed the ease of mind len, cross, and angry, under pretence of being and pleasing indolence in which they were forabstracted from the affairs of this life, when at merly happy, but all their words and actions the same time they betray their fondness for were misinterpreted by each other, and every them by doing their duty as a task, and pouting excellence in their speech and behaviour was and reading good books for a week together. looked upon as an act of emulation to surpass Much of this I take to proceed from the indis- the other. These beginnings of disinclination cretion of the books themselves, whose very ti-soon improved into a formality of behaviour, a tles of weekly preparations, and such limited general coldness, and by natural steps into an godliness, lead people of ordinary capacities irreconcilable hatred.

into great errors, and raise in them a mechani- These two rivals for the reputation of beaucal religion, entirely distinct from morality. Ity, were in their stature, countenance, and mien know a lady so given up to this sort of devo-so very much alike, that if you were speaking tion, that though she employs six or eight hours of them in their absence, the words in which of the twenty-four at cards, she never misses you described the one must give you an idea of one constant hour of prayer, for which time the other. They were hardly distinguishable, another holds her cards, to which she returns you would think, when they were apart, though with no little anxiousness till two or three in the extremely different when together. What made morning. All these acts are but empty shows, their enmity the more entertaining to all the and, as it were, compliments made to virtue; rest of their sex was, that in detraction from the mind is all the while untouched with any each other, neither could fall upon terms true pleasure in the pursuit of it. From hence which did not hit herself as much as her adI presume it arises, that so many people call versary. Their nights grew restless with themselves virtuous, from no other pretence to meditation of new dresses to outvie each other, it but an absence of ill. There is Dulcianara, and inventing new devices to recall admirers, the most insolent of all creatures to her friends who observed the charms of the one rather and domestics, upon no other pretence in na- than those of the other, on the last meeting. ture, but that (as her silly phrase is) "No one Their colours failed at each other's appear

POSTSCRIPT.

ance, flushed with pleasure at the report of a on which the unhappy Phillis swooned away, disadvantage, and their countenances wither- and was immediately conveyed to her house. ed upon instances of applause. The decen- As soon as she came to herself, she fled from cies to which women are obliged, made these her husband's house, went on board a ship in virgins stifle their resentment so far as not to the road, and is now landed in inconsolable break into open violences, while they equally despair at Plymouth. suffered the torments of a regulated anger. Their mothers, as it is usual, engaged in the quarrel, and supported the several preten sions of their daughters with all that ill-choAfter the above melancholy narration, it sen sort of expense which is common with peo- may perhaps be a relief to the reader to perple of plentiful fortunes and mean taste. The use the following expostulation; girls preceded their parents like queens of May, in all the gaudy colours imaginable, on every Sunday to church, and were exposed to the examination of the audience for superiority of beauty.

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To Mr. Spectator.

The just Remonstrance of affronted THAT. During this constant struggle it happened, WHO and WHICH, yet you should not suffer Though I deny not the petition of Mr. that Phillis one day at public prayers smote

the heart of a gay West-Indian, who appeared them to be rude, and to call honest people in all the colours which can affect an eye that names: for that bears very hard on some of could not distinguish between being fine and those rules of decency which you are justly tawdry. This American, in a summer-island famous for establishing. They may find fault, suit, was too shining and too gay to be resist-and correct speeches in the senate, and at the ed by Phillis, and too intent upon her charms bar, but let them try to get themselves so often to be diverted by any of the laboured attrac-[and with so much eloquence repeated in a sentions of Brunetta. Soon after, Brunetta had tence, as a great orator doth frequently introthe mortification to see her rival disposed of duce me. in a wealthy marriage, while she was only My lords, (says he) with humble submission, That That I say is this; That, That That gentleman has advanced, is not That That he should have proved to your lordships. Let those two questionary petitioners try to do thus with their Who's and their Whiches.

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addressed to in a manner that showed she was the admiration of all men, but the choice of Phillis was carried to the habitation of her spouse in Barbadoes. Brunetta had the ill-nature to inquire for her by every opportunity, and had the misfortune to hear of her "What great advantage was I of to Mr. Drybeing attended by numerous slaves, fanned in-den in his Indian Emperor,

"You force me still to answer you in That,"

to slumbers by successive bands of them, and carried from place to place in all the pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetta could not endure these repeated advices, but employed to furnish out a rhyme to Morat? and what a all her arts and charms in laying baits for any poor figure would Mr. Bayes have made withof condition of the same island, out of a mere out his "Egad and all That?" How can a juambition to confront her once more before she dicious man distinguish one thing from another, died. She at last succeeded in her design, without saying, "This here," or "That there?" and was taken to wife by a gentleman whose And how can a sober man, without using the estate was contiguous to that of her enemy's expletives of oaths (in which indeed the rakes husband. It would be endless to enumerate and bullies have a great advantage over others) the many occasions on which these irreconcila-make a discourse of any tolerable length, ble beauties laboured to excel each other; but without "That is ;" and if he be a very grave in process of time it happened, that a ship put man indeed, without "That is to say?" And into the island consigned to a friend of Phillis, how instructive as well as entertaining are who had directions to give her the refusal of those usual expressions in the mouths of great all goods for apparel, before Brunetta could men, "Such things as That," and "The like be alarmed of their arrival. He did so, and of That."

Phillis was dressed in a few days in a brocade 'I am not against reforming the corruptions more gorgeous and costly than had ever be-of speech you mention, and own there are fore appeared in that latitude. Brunetta lan-proper seasons for the introduction of other guished at the sight, and could by no means words besides That; but I scorn as much to supcome up to the bravery of her antagonist. She ply the place of a Who or a Which at every communicated her anguish of mind to a faith turn, as they are unequal always to fill mine; ful friend, who by an interest in the wife of and I expect good language and civil treatment, Phillis's merchant, procured a remnant of the and hope to receive it for the future: That, same silk for Brunetta. Phillis took pains to That I shall only add is, That appear in all the public places where she was sure to meet Brunetta; Brunetta was now prepared for the insult, and came to a public ball R. in a plain black silk mantua, attended by a beautiful negro girl in a petticoat of the same brocade with which Phillis was attired. This drew the attention of the whole company, up. paper.

'I

am, yours,

THAT

*The first Volume of the original 8vo. and 12mo. editions, as published by Tonson, closes with this

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made some of them converse with Rosalinda in what they thought the spirit of her party, when on a sudden she has given them an unexpected fire, that has sunk them all at once. If Rosalinda is unfortunate in her mole, Nigranilla is as unhappy in a pimple, which forces her, against her inclinations, to patch on the whig side.

I am told that many virtuous matrons, who formerly have been taught to believe that this artificial spotting of the face was unlawful, are now reconciled by a zeal for their cause, to what they could not be prompted by a concern for their beauty. This way of declaring war upon one another, puts me in mind of what is reported of the tigress, that several spots rise in her skin when she is angry, or as Mr.Cowley has imitated the verses that stand as the motto of this paper.

She swells with angry pride,
And calls forth all her spots on every side.*

ABOUT the middle of last winter I went to see an opera at the theatre in the Hay-market, where I could not but take notice of two parties of very fine women, that had placed themselves in the opposite side-boxes, and seemed drawn up in a kind of battle-array one against another. After a short survey of them, I found they were patched differently; the faces on one hand being spotted on the right side of the forehead, and those upon the other on the left. I quickly perceived that they cast hostile glances upon one another; and that their patches were placed in those different situations, as party-signals to distinguish friends from foes. In the middle-boxes, between these two opposite bodies were several ladies who When I was in the theatre the time abovepatched indifferently on both sides of their mentioned, I had the curiosity to count the faces, and seemed to sit thore with no other patches on both sides, and found the tory intention but to see the opera. Upon inquiry patches to be about twenty stronger than the I found that the body of Amazons on my right whig; but to make amends for this small inehand, were whigs, and those on my left, tories; quality, I the next morning found the whole and that those who had placed themselves in puppet show filled with faces spotted after the the middle boxes were a neutral party, whose whiggish manner. Whether or no the ladies faces had not yet declared themselves. These had retreated hither in order to rally their last, however, as I afterwards found, dimin-forces I cannot tell; but the next night they ished daily, and took their party with one side came in so great a body to the opera, that they or the other; insomuch that I observed, in se-out-numbered the enemy. veral of them, the patches which were before This account of party-patches will, I am dispersed equally, are now all gone over to the afraid, appear improbable to those who live at whig or tory side of the face. The censorious a distance from the fashionable world; but as say, that the men, whose hearts are aimed at, it is a distinction of a very singular nature, are very often the occasions that one part of and what perhaps may never meet with a the face is thus dishonoured, and lies under a parallel, I think I should not have discharged kind of disgrace, while the other is so much the office of a faithful Spectator, had not I reset off and adorned by the owner; and that corded it. the patches turn to the right or to the left, ac- I have, in former papers, endeavoured to cording to the principles of the man who is expose this party-rage in women, as it only most in favour. But whatever may be the mo- serves to aggravate the hatreds and animositives of a few fantastical coquettes, who do not ties that reign among men, and in a great meapatch for the public good so much as for their sure deprives the fair-sex of those peculiar own private advantage, it is certain that there charms with which nature has endowed them. are several women of honour who patch out of . When the Romans and Sabines were at war, principle, and with an eye to the interest of and just upon the point of giving battle, the their country.-Nay, I am informed that some women, who were allied to both of them, inof them adhere so steadfastly to their party, terposed with so many tears and entreaties, and are so far from sacrificing their zeal for that they prevented the mutual slaughter which the public to their passion for any particular threatened both parties, and united them togeperson, that in a late draught of marriage-ar-ther in a firm and lasting peace.

ticles a lady has stipulated with her husband, I would recommend this noble example to that whatever his opinions are, she shall be at our British ladies, at a time when their counliberty to patch on which side she pleases.

try is torn with so many unnatural divisions, that if they continue, it will be a misfortune to be born in it. The Greeks thought it so improper for women to interest themselves in competitions and contentions, that for this reason, among others, they forbad them under pain of death, to be present at the Olym pic games, notwithstanding these were the public diversions of all Greece.

I must here take notice, that Rosalinda, a famous whig partisan, has most unfortunately a very beautiful mole on the tory part of her forehead; which being very conspicuous, has occasioned many mistakes, and given a handle to her enemies to misrepresent her face, as though it had revolted from the whig interest. But, whatever this natural patch may seem to intitate, it is well known that her notions of As our English women exceed those of all government are still the same. This unlucky nations in beauty, they should endeavour to mole, however, has misled several coxcombs; and, like the hanging out of false colours,

Davideis, Book HI. v. 47.

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