No. 45.] Saturday, April 21, 1711. . her tresses flowing about her shoulders, aud examining that face in the glass, which does such execution upon all the male standers-by. How prettily does she divide her discourse between her woman and her visitants? What THERE is nothing which I desire more than sprightly transitions does she make from an a safe and honourable peace, though at the opera or a sermon, to an ivory comb or a pinsame time I am very apprehensive of many ill cushion? How have I been pleased to see her consequences that may attend it. I do not interrupted in an account of her travels, by a mean in regard to our politics but to our man-message to her footman; and holding her What an inundation of ribands and bro-tongue in the midst of a moral reflection, by apcades will break in upon us? What peals of plying the tip of it to a patch. ners. laughter and impertinence shall we be exposed There is nothing which exposes a woman to to? For the prevention of these great evils, Igreater dangers, than that gay ety and airiness could heartily wish that there was an act of of temper, which are natural to most of the parliament for prohibiting the importation of sex. It should be therefore the concern of French fopperies. every wise and virtuous woman to keep this The female inhabitants of our island have sprightliness from degenerating into levity. already received very strong impressions from On the contrary, the whole discourse and bethis ludicrous nation, though by the length of haviour of the French is to make the sex more the war (as there is no evil which has not some fantastical, or (as they are pleased to term it) good attending it) they are pretty well worn more awakened, than is consistent either with out and forgotten. I remember the time when virtue or discretion. To speak loud in public some of our well-bred country-women kept their assemblies, to let every one hear you talk of valet de chambre, because forsooth, a man was things that should only be mentioned in private, much more handy about them than one of their or in whisper, are looked upon as parts of a own sex. I myself have seen one of these male refined education. At the same time a blush is Abigails tripping about the room with a look-unfashionable, and silence more ill-bred than ing glass in his hand, and combing his lady's any thing that can be spoken. In short, dishair a whole morning together. Whether or cretion and modesty, which in all other ages no there was any truth in the story of a lady's and countries have been regarded as the greatbeing got with child by one of these her hand- est ornaments of the fair-sex, are considered maids, I cannot tell; but I think at present as the ingredients of narrow conversation, the whole race of them is extinct in our own and family behaviour. country. Some years ago I was at the tragedy of About the time that several of our sex were Macbeth, and unfortunately placed myself taken into this kind of service, the ladies like- under a woman of quality that is since dead; wise brought up the fashion of receiving visits who, as I found by the noise she made, was in their beds. It was then looked upon as a newly returned from France. A little before piece of ill-breeding for a woman to refuse to the rising of the curtain, she broke out into a see a man, because she was not stirring; and a loud soliloquy, 'When will the dear witches porter would have been thought unfit for his enter?' and immediately upon their first applace, that could have made so awkward an pearance, asked a lady that sat three boxes excuse. As I love to see every thing that is new, from her on her right hand, if those witches once prevailed upon my friend Will Honey- were not charming creatures. A little after, comb to carry me along with him to one of as Betterton was in one of the finest speeches these travelled ladies, desiring him at the same of the play, she shook her fan at another lady, time, to present me as a foreigner who could who sat as far on her left hand, and told her not speak English, that so I might not be obli-with a whisper that might be heard all over the ged to bear a part in the discourse. The lady, pit, 'We must not expect to see Balloon tothough willing to appear undrest, had put on night.' Not long after, calling out to a young her best looks, and painted herself for our re- barónet by his name, who sat three seats beception. Her hair appeared in a very nice dis-fore me, she asked him whether Macbeth's order, as the night-gown which was thrown up- wife was still alive; and before he could give on her shoulders was ruffled with great care. an answer, fell a talking of the ghost of BanFor my part, I am so shocked with every thing quo. She had by this time formed a little auwhich looks immodest in the fair-sex, that dience to herself, and fixed the attention of could not forbear taking off my eye from her all about her. But as I had a mind to hear when she moved in bed, and was in the greatest the play, I got out of the sphere of her imperconfusion imaginable every time she stirred a tinence, and planted myself in one of the releg, or an arm. As the coquettes who introdu- motest corners of the pit. ced this custom grew old, they left it off by de This pretty childishness of behaviour is one grees; well knowing that a woman of threescore of the most refined parts of coquetry, and is may kick and tumble her heart out, without not to be attained in perfection by ladies that making any impression. do not travel for their improvement. A natuSempronia is at present the most profest ral and unconstrained behaviour has something admirer of the French nation, but is so mod-in it so agreeable, that it is no wonder to see est as to admit her visitants no further than her people endeavouring after it. But at the same toilet. It is a very odd sight that beautiful crea- time it is so very hard to hit, when it is not ture makes, when she is talking politics, with born with us, that people often make themselves ridiculous in attempting it. MINUTES. A very ingenious French author tells us, that the ladies of the court of France in his time, Sir Roger de Coverley's country-seat-Yes, thought it ill-breeding, and a kind of female for I hate long speeches-Query, if a good pedantry, to pronounce an hard word right; Christian may be a conjuror-Childermas-day, for which reason they took frequent occasion saltseller, house-dog, screech-owl, cricketto use hard words, that they might show a po- Mr. Thomas Inkle of London, in the good liteness in murdering them. He further adds, ship called the Achilles. Yarico-Egrescitque that a lady of some quality at court, hav-medendo-Ghosts-The Lady's Library-Lion ing accidently made use of a hard word in by trade a tailor-Dromedary called Bucephaa proper place, and pronounced it right, the lus-Equipage the lady's summum bonum→→ whole assembly was out of countenance for Charles Lillie to be taken notice of-Short face her. a relief to envy-Redundancies in the three I must however be so just as to own that professions-King Latinus a recruit-Jew dethere are many ladies who have travelled seve-vouring a ham of bacon-Westminster-abbey ral thousands of miles without being the worse-rand Cairo-Procrastination-April fools for it, and have brought home with them all Blue boars, red lions, hogs in armour-Enter the modesty, discretion, and good sense, that a King and two Fiddlers solus-Admission into they went abroad with. As on the contrary, the Ugly Club-Beauty how improveablethere are great numbers of travelled ladies, Families of true and false Humour-The parwho have lived all their days within the smoke rot's school mistress-Face half Pict half Britof London. I have known a woman that ne-ish-No man to be an hero of a tragedy under ver was out of the parish of St. James's betray six feet-Club of sighers-Letters from flower as many foreign fopperies in her carriage, as she could have gleaned up in half the countries of Europe. C. pots, elbow chairs, tapestry-figures, lion, thunder-The bell rings to the puppet-show-Old woman with a beard married to a smock-faced boy-My next coat to be turned up with blue -Fable of tongs and gridiron-Flower dyers -The Soldier's prayer-Thank ye for nothing, says the galley-pot-Pactolus in stockings with Ovid, Met. Lib. i. ver. 9. golden clocks to them-Bamboos, cudgels, No. 46.] Monday, April 23, 1711. Non benè junctarum discordia semina rerum. drum-sticks-Slip of my landlady's eldest The jarring seeds of ill-concerted things. daughter-The black mare with a star in her WHEN I want materials for this paper, it is forehead-The barber's pole-Will Honeymy custom to go abroad in quest of game; comb's coat-pocket-Cæsar's behaviour and and when I meet any proper subject. I take the my own in parallel circumstances-Poem in first opportunity of setting down an hint of it patch-work-Nulli gravis est percussus Achilles upon paper. At the same time I look into the The female conventicler-The ogle-master. letters of my correspondents, and if I find The reading of this paper made the whole any thing suggested in them that may afford coffee-house very merry; some of them conmatter of speculation, I likewise enter a mi-cluded it was written by a madman, and others nute of it in my collection of materials. By by somebody that had been taking notes out of this means I frequently carry about me a whole the Spectator. One who had the appearance sheetful of hints, that would look like a rhap- of a very substantial citizen, told us, with sesody of nonsense to any body but myself. There is nothing in them but obscurity and confusion, raving and inconsistency. In short, they are my speculations in the first principles, that (like the world in its chaos) are void of all light, distinction, and order. veral political winks and nods, that he wished there was no more in the paper than what was expressed in it: that for his part, he looked upon the dromedary, the gridiron, and the barber's pole, to signify something more than what was usually meant by those words: and About a week since there happened to me a that he thought the coffee-man could not do very odd accident, by reason of one of these better than to carry the paper to one of the my papers of minutes which I had accidentally secretaries of state. He further added, that dropped at Lloyd's coffee-house, where the he did not like the name of the outlandish man auctions are usually kept. Before I missed it, with the golden clock in his stockings. A young there were a cluster of people who had found Oxford scholar, who chanced to be with his it, and were diverting themselves with it at uncle at the coffee-house, discovered to us who one end of the coffee-house. It had raised so this Pactolus was; and by that means turned much laughter among them before I had ob- the whole scheme of this worthy citizen into served what they were about, that I had not ridicule. While they were making their sevethe courage to own it. The boy of the coffee-ral conjectures upon this innocent paper, I house, when they had done with it, carried reached out my arm to the boy as he was comit about in his hand, asking every body if they ing out of the pulpit, to give it me; which he had dropped a written paper; but nobody did accordingly. This drew the eyes of the challenging it, he was ordered by those merry whole company upon me; but after having gentlemen who had before perused it, to get up into the auction pulpit, and read it to the whole room, that if any one would own it, they might. The boy accordingly mounted the pulpit, and with a very audible voice read as follows: cast a cursory glance over it, and shook my head twice or thrice at the reading of it, I twisted it into a kind of match, and lighted my pipe with it. My profound silence, together with the steadiness of my countenance, and the gravity of my behaviour during this whole Ride si sapis Laugh, if you are wise. Mart. transaction, raised a very loud laugh on all No. 47.] Tuesday, April 24, 1711. sides of me; but as I had escaped all suspicion of being the author, I was very well satisfied, and applying myself to my pipe and the Postman, took no further notice of any thing that had passed about me. MR. HOBBS,* in his Discourse of Human My reader will find, that I have already Nature, which, in my humble opinion, is much made use of above half the contents of the the best of all his works, after some very cuforegoing paper; and will easily suppose, that rious observations upon laughter, concludes those subjects which are yet untouched, were thus: The passion of laughter is nothing else such provisions as I had made for his future but sudden glory arising from some sudden entertainment. But as I have been unluckily conceptions of some eminency in ourselves, by prevented by this accident, I shall only give comparison with the infirmity of others, or him the letters which related to the two last with our own formerly: for men laugh at the hints. The first of them I should not have publish- follies of themselves past, when they come ed, were I not informed that there is many an suddenly to remembrance, except they bring husband who suffers very much in his private with them any present dishonour.' affairs by the indiscreet zeal of such a partner According to this author, therefore, when as is hereafter mentioned; to whom I may ap- we hear a man laugh excessively, instead of ply the barbarous inscription quoted by the Bishop of Salisbury in his travels; Dum nimis pia est facta est impia :'-Through too much piety she became impious.' SIR, verting himself with his absurdities. For the same reason, idiots are still in request in most of the courts of Germany, where there is not a prince of any great magnificence, who has not two or three dressed, distinguished, undisputed fools in his retinue, whom the rest of the courtiers are always breaking their jeste saying he is very merry, we ought to tell him he is very proud. And indeed, if we look into the bottom of this matter, we shall meet with many observations to confirm us in this opinion. Every one laughs at somebody that is in an inferior state of folly to himself. It was "I am one of those unhappy men that are formerly the custom for every great house in plagued with a gospel-gossip, so common England to keep a tame fool dressed in pettiamong dissenters (especially friends). Lec- coats, that the heir of the family might have tures in the morning, church-meetings at noon, an opportunity of joking upon him, and diand preparation sermons at night, take up so much of her time, it is very rare she knows what we have for dinner, unless when the preacher is to be at it. With him come a tribe, all brothers and sisters it seems; while others really such, are deemed no relations. If at any time I have her company alone, she is a mere sermon pop-gun, repeating and discharging texts, proofs, and applications, so perpetually, that however weary I may go to bed, the noise in my head will not let me sleep till towards morning. The misery of my case, and great numbers of such sufferers, plead your pity and speedy relief; otherwise must expect, in a little time, to be lectured, preached, and prayed into want, unless the happiness of being sooner talked to death prevent it. 'I am, &c. R. G.' The second letter relating to the ogling-master, runs thus: MR. SPECTATOR, upon. The Dutch, who are more famous for their industry and application, than for wit and humour, hang up in several of their streets what they call the sign of the Gaper, that is, the head of an idiot dressed in a cap and bells, and gaping in a most immoderate manner. This is a standing jest at Amsterdam. Thus every one diverts himself with some person or other that is below him in point of understanding, and triumphs in the superiority derision before his eyes. of his genius, whilst he has such objects of Mr. Dennis has very well expressed this in a couple of humorous lines, which are part of a translation of a satire in monsieur Boileau: 'I am an Irish gentleman that have travelled many years for my improvement; during 'Thus one fool lolls his tongue out at another, which time I have accomplished myself in the And shakes his empty noddle at his brother.' whole art of ogling, as it is at present practised in the polite nations of Europe. Being Mr. Hobb's reflections gives us the reason thus qualified, I intend, by the advise of my why the insignificant people above-mentioned friends, to set up for an ogling-master. I are stirrers up of laughter among men of a teach the church ogle in the morning, and the gross taste: but as the more understanding play-house ogle by candle-light. I have also part of mankind do not find their risibility afbrought over with me a new flying ogle fit for fected by such ordinary objects, it may be the ring; which I teach in the dusk of the worth the while to examine into the several evening, or in any hour of the day, by dark- Thomas Hobbs of Malmsbury. "He is commonly reening one of my windows. I have a manus-presented," says Granger, " as a sceptic in religion, and cript by me called The Complete Ogler, which a dogmatist in philosophy; but he was a dogmatist in I shall be ready to show you on any occasion. both. The main principles of his Leviathan are as little In the mean time, I beg you will publish the founded in moral or evangelical truth, as the rules he has substance of this letter in an advertisement, demonstration." He died in 1679, at the advanced age laid down for squaring the circle are in mathematical and you will very much oblige, 'Yours, &c.' of 92. C. provocatives of laughter, in men of superior in the representation which he makes of others; sense and knowledge. and that when we laugh at a brute, or even at In the first place I must observe, that there an inanimate thing, it is at some action or is a set of merry drolls, whom the common incident that bears a remote analogy to any people of all countries admire, and seem to blunder or absurdity in reasonable creatures. love so well, that they could eat them,' ac- But to come into common life: I shall pass cording to the old proverb: I mean those cir- by the consideration of those stage coxcombs cumforaneous wits whom every nation calls by that are able to shake a whole audience, and the name of that dish of meat which it loves take notice of a particular sort of men who best in Hollaud they are termed Pickled are such provokers of mirth in conversation, Herrings; in France, Jean Pottages; in Italy, that it is impossible for a club or merry meetMacaronies; and in Great Britain Jack Pud-ing to subsist without them; I mean those hodings. These merry wags, from whatsoever nest gentlemen that are always exposed to the food they receive their titles, that they make wit and raillery of their well-wishers and comtheir audiences laugh, always appear in a panions; that are pelted by men, women, and fool's coat, and commit such blunders and children, friends and foes, and in a word, stand mistakes in every step they take, and every as butts in conversation, for every one to shoot word they utter, as those who listen to them at that pleases. I know several of these butts would be ashamed of. who are men of wit and sense, though by some But this little triumph of the understanding odd turn of humour, some unlucky cast in their under the disguise of laughter, is no where person or behaviour, they have always the more visible than in that custom which pre-misfortune to make the company merry. vails every where among us on the first day of truth of it is, a man is not qualified for a butt, the present month, when every body takes it who has not got a good deal of wit and vivacity, into his head to make as many fools as he can. even in the ridiculous side of his character. A In proportion as there are more follies discov-stupid butt is only fit for the conversation of ed, so there is more laughter raised on this day ordinary people: men of wit require one that than on any other in the whole year. A neigh-will give them play, and bestir himself in the bour of mine, who is a haberdasher by trade, absurd part of his behaviour. A butt with and a very shallow conceited fellow, makes his these accomplishments frequently gets the boast that for these ten years successively he laugh of his side, and turns the ridicule upon has not made less than an hundred April fools. him that attacks him. Sir John Falstaff was My landlady had a falling out with him about an hero of this species, and gives a good desa fortnight ago, for sending every one of her cription of himself in his capacity of a butt, children upon some sleeveless errand, as she after the following manner: Men of all sorts,' terms it. Her eldest son went to buy an half- says that merry knight, 'take a pride to gird at pennyworth of inkle at a shoemaker's; the me. The brain of man is not able to invent eldest daughter was despatched half a mile to any thing that tends to laughter more than I see a monster; and, in short, the whole family invent, or is invented on me. I am not only of innocent children made April fools. Nay, witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in my landlady herself did not escape him. This other men.' empty fellow has laughed upon these conceits ever since. The C No. 48.] Wednesday, April 25, 1711. Repperit- This art of wit is well enough, when confined to one day in a twelvemonth: but there is an ingenious tribe of men sprung up of late years, who are for making April fools every day in the year. These gentlemen are commonly distinguished by the name of Biters: a race of men that are perpetually employed in laughing from time to time, let them know I have reat those mistakes which are of their own pro-ceived their letters The most effectual way duction. Thus we see, in proportion as one man is more refined than another, he chooses his fool out of a lower or higher class of mankind, or to speak in a more philosophical language, that secret elation or pride of heart, which is generally called laughter, arises in him, from his comparing himself with an object below him, whether so happens that it be a natural or an artificial fool. It is, indeed, very possible, that the persons we laugh at may in the main of their characters be much wiser men than ourselves; but if they would have us laugh at them, they must fall short of us in those respects which stir up this passion. My correspondents take it ill if I do not, will be to publish some of them that are upon important subjects; which I shall introduce with a letter of my own that I writ a fortnight ago to a fraternity who thought fit to make me an honorary member. To the President and Fellows of the Ugly Club. MAY IT PLEASE YOUR DEFORMITIES, 'I have received the notification of the honour you have done me, in admitting me into your society. I acknowledge my want of merit, and for that reason shall endeavour at all times to make up my own failures, by introducing and recommending to the club I am afraid I shall appear too abstracted in persons of more undoubted qualifications than my speculations, if I show, that when a man I can pretend to. I shall next week come of wit makes us laugh, it is by betraying some down in the stage-coach, in order to take my oddness or infirmity in his own character, or seat at the board; and shall bring with me a candidate of each sex. The persons I shall vited to a friend's house in the city, where I bepresent to you, are an old beau and a modern lieved I should see ladies; and with my usual Pict. If they are not so eminently gifted by complaisance, crippled myself to wait upon nature as our assembly expects, give me leave them. A very sumptuous table, agreeable comto say their acquired ugliness is greater than pany, and kind reception, were but so many any that has ever appeared before you. The importunate additions to the torment I was in. beau has varied his dress every day of his life A gentleman of the family observed my condifor these thirty years past, and still added to tion; and soon after the queen's health, he in the deformity he was born with. The Pict has the presence of the whole company, with his still greater merit towards us, and has, ever own hands, degraded me into an old pair of his since she came to years of discretion, deserted own shoes. This operation before fine ladies, to the handsome party, and taken all possible me (who am by nature a coxcomb) was suffered pains to acquire the face in which I shall pre- with the same reluctance as they admit the help sent her to your consideration and favour. of men in their greatest extremity. The return 'I am, Gentlemen, of ease made me forgive the rough obligation laid on me, which at that time relieved my body from a distemper, and will my mind for ever from a folly. For the charity received, I return my thanks this way. 'Your most obliged humble servant, THE SPECTATOR.' 'P. S. I desire to know whether you admit people of quality.' · MR. SPECTATOR, April 17. 'SIR, "Your most humble servant.' 'To show you there are among us of the Epping, April 18. vain weak sex, some that have honesty and 'We have your papers here the morning they fortitude enough to dare to be ugly, and willing come out, and we have been very well enterto be thought so, I apply myself to you, to beg tained with your last, upon the false ornaments your interest and recommendation to the Ugly of persons who represent heroes in a tragedy. Club. If my own word will not be taken, What made your speculation come very sea(though in this case a woman's may) I can sonably among us is, that we have now at this bring credible witnesses of my qualifications place a company of strollers, who are far from for their company, whether they insist upon offending in the impertinent splendour of the bair, forehead, eyes, cheeks, or chin; to which drama. They are so far from falling into these I must add, that I find it easier to lean to my left false gallantries, that the stage is here in its side, than to my right. I hope I am in all re-original situation of a cart. Alexander the spects agreeable, and for humour and mirth, 1 will keep up to the president himself. All the favour I will pretend to is, that as I am the first woman who has appeared desirous of good company and agreeable conversation, I may take and keep the upper end of the table. And indeed I think they want a carver, which I can be, after as ugly a manner as they could wish. I desire your thoughts of my claim as soon as you can. Add to my features the length of my face, which is full half-yard; though I never knew the reason of it till you gave one for the shortness of yours. If I knew a name ugly enough to belong to the above described face, I would feign one; but, to my unspeakable misfortune, my name is the only disagreeable prettiness about me; so prythee make one for me that signifies all the deformity in the world. You understand Latin, but be sure bring it in with my being, in the sincerity of my heart, *Your most frightful admirer, and servant, HEGATISSA. MR. SPECTATOR, Great was acted by a fellow in a paper cravat. R. 'Your servant.' 'I read your discourse upon affectation, and from the remarks made in it, examined my own heart so strictly, that I thought I had found out its most secret avenues, with a resolution to be aware of them for the future. But, alas! to my sorrow I now understand that I have several follies which I do not know the root of. I am an old fellow, and extremely troubled with the No. 49.] Thursday, April 26, 1711. gout; but having always a strong vanity towards being pleasing in the eyes of women, I never have a moment's ease, but I am mounted in high-heeled shoes, with a glazed wax-leather Hominem pagina nostra sapit.-Mart. Men and their manners I describe. It is very natural for a man who is not turn instep: Two days after a severe fit, I was in-fed for mirthful meetings of men, or assemblies |