moft preffing invitations; and though I wished to accept their offered friendship, I have repeatedly excused myfelf under the pretence of not being quite fettled; for the truth is, that when I have rode or walked, with full intention to return their feveral visits, my heart has failed me as I approached their gates, and I have frequently returned homeward, refolving to try again to

morrow.

However, I at length determined to conquer my timidity, and, three days ago, accepted of an invitation to dine this day with one, whofe open easy manner left me no room to doubt a cordial welcome. Sir THOMAS FRIENDLY, who lives about two miles diftant, is a baronet, with about two thousand pounds a year estate, joining to that I purchased; he has two fons and five daughters, all grown up, and living with their mother and a maiden fifter of Sir THOMAS's at Friendly-Hall, dependent on their father. Conscious of my unpolished gait, I have, for some time past, taken private leffons of a Profeffor, who teaches "grown gentlemen to dance;" and though I at first found wonderous difficulty in the art he taught, my knowledge of the mathematics was of prodigious ufe in teaching me the equilibrium of my body, and the due adjustment of the centre of gravity to the five pofitions. Having now acquired the art of walking without tottering, and learned to make a bow, I boldly ventured to obey the baronet's invitation to a family dinner; not doubting but my new acquirements would enable me to see the ladies with tolerable intrepidity: but, alas! how vain are all the hopes of theory when unfupported by habitual practice! As I approached the house, a dinner-bell alarmed my fears, left I had fpoiled the dinner for want of punctuality: impreffed with this idea, I blushed the deepest crimson, as my name was repeatedly announced by the feveral livery fervants, who ushered me into the library, hardly knowing what or whom I faw: At my first entrance I fummoned all my fortitude, and made my new-learned bow to Lady FRIENDLY, but, unfortunately, in bringing back

my

my left foot to the third pofition, I trod upon the gouty toe of poor Sir THOMAS, who had followed clofe at my heels to be the nomenclator of the family. The confufion this occafioned in me is hardly to be conceived, fince none but bashful men can judge of my distress, and of that description the number I believe is very fmall. The Baronet's politenefs by degrees diffipated my concern; and I was aftonished to fee how far good breeding could enable him to fupprefs his feelings, and to appear with perfect eafe after fo painful an accident.

The cheerfulness of her Ladyfhip, and the familiar chat of the young ladies, infenfibly led me to throw off my reserve and theepishness, till at length I ventured to join in converfation, and even to start fresh subjects. The library being richly furnished with books in elegant bindings, I conceived Sir THOMAS to be a man of literature, and ventured to give my opinion concerning the several editions of the Greek claffics, in which the Baronet's opinion exactly coincided with my own. To this fubject I was led by obferving an edition of Xenophon, in fixteen volumes, which (as I had never before heard of fuch a thing) greatly excited my curiofity, and I rose up to examine what it could be: Sir THOMAS faw what I was about, and, (as I fuppofe) willing to fave me the trouble, rose to take down the book, which made me more eager to prevent him, and, hastily laying my hand on the firft volume, I pulled it forcibly; but, lo! inftead of books, a board, which by leather and gilding had been made to look like fixteen volumes, came tumbling down, and unluckily pitched upon a Wedgewood ink-stand on the table under it. In vain did Sir THOMAS affure me there was no harm: I faw the ink ftreaming from an inlaid table on the Turkey carpet, and, fcarce knowing what I did, attempted to ftop its progrefs with my cambric handkerchief. In the height of this confufion we were informed that dinner was ferved up, and I with joy perceived that the bell, which at first had fo alarmed my fears, was only the half-hour dinner-bell.

In

In walking through the hall and fuite of apartments to the dining-room, I had time to collect my scattered fenfes, and was defired to take my feat betwixt Lady FRIENDLY and her eldest daughter at the table. Since the fall of the wooden Xenophon my face had been continually burning like a fire-brand, and I was just beginning to recover myself, and to feel comfortably cool, when an unlooked-for accident rekindled all my heat and blushes. Having fet my plate of foup too near the edge of the table, in bowing to Mifs DINAH, who politely complimented the pattern of my waistcoat, I tumbled the whole fcalding contents into my lap. In fpite of an immediate fupply of napkins to wipe the furface of my cloaths, my black filk breeches were not ftout enough to fave me from the painful effects of this fudden fomentation, and for fome minutes my legs and thighs feemed ftewing in a boiling cauldron; but recollecting how Sir THOMAS had disguised his torture when I trod upon his toe, I firmly bore my pain in filence, and fat with my lower extremities parboiled, amidst the stifled giggling of the ladies and the fervants. I will not relate the feveral blunders which I made during the first courfe, or the distress occafioned by my being defired to carve a fowl, or help to various dishes that stood near me, fpilling a fauce-boat, and knocking down a falt-cellar; rather let me haften to the fecond course, "where fresh difafters overwhelm'd me quite."

I had a piece of rich fweet pudding on my fork, when Miss LOUISA FRIENDLY begged to trouble me for a pigeon that stood near me; in my haste, scarce knowing what I did, I whipped the pudding into my mouth, hot as a burning coal; it was impoffible to conceal my agony, my eyes were ftarting from their fockets. At laft, in fpite of fhame and refolution, I was obliged to drop the cause of torment on my plate. Sir THOMAS and the ladies all compaffionated my misfortune, and each advised a different application; one recommended oil, another water, but all agreed that wine was beft for drawing out the fire; and a glafs of fherry was brought

me

me from the fide-board, which I fnatched up with eagernefs: but oh! how fhall I tell the fequel? Whether the butler by accident miftook, or purpofely defigned to drive me mad, he gave me the strongest brandy, with which I filled my mouth, already flea'd and blistered: totally unused to every kind of ardent fpirits, with my tongue, throat, and palate, as raw as beef, what could I do? I could not fwallow, and clapping my hands upon my mouth, the curfed liquor fquirted through my nofe and fingers like a fountain over all the dishes, and I was crufhed by bursts of laughter from all quarters. In vain did Sir THOMAS reprimand the fervants, and 'Lady FRIENDLY chide her daughters; for the measure of my fhame and their diverfion was not yet compleat. To relieve me from the intolerable ftate of perfpiration which this accident had caused, without confidering what I did, I wiped my face with that ill-fated handkerchief, which was ftill wet from the confequences of the fall of Xenophon, and covered all my features with streaks of ink in every direction. The Baronet himself could not support this fhock, but joined his Lady in the general laugh; while I fprung from the table in defpair, rufhed out of the house, and ran home in an agony of confufion and difgrace, which the most poignant fenfe of guilt could not have excited.

Thus, without having deviated from the path of moral rectitude, I am fuffering torments like a "goblin damn'd." The lower half of me has been almost boiled, my tongue and mouth grilled, and I bear the mark of Cain upon my forehead; yet these are but trifling confiderations to the everlafting fhame which I must feet whenever this adventure fhall be mentioned.

The

IONYSIUS, the tyrant of Sicily, fhewed how far

ed in riches, and all the pleafures which riches can procure. Damocles, one of his flatterers, was complimenting him upon his power, his treafures, and the magnificence of his royal ftate, and affirming, that no monarch ever was greater or happier than he. "Have you a mind, Damocles," fays the king, "to tafte this happiness, and know, by experience, what my enjoyments are, of which you have fo high an idea?" Damocles gladly accepted the offer. Upon which the king ordered, that a royal banquet fhould be prepared, and a gilded couch placed for him, covered with rich embroidery, and fideboards loaded with gold and filver plate of immenfe value. Pages of extraordinary beauty were ordered to wait on him at table, and to obey his commands with the greatest readinefs, and the most profound fubmiffion. Neither ornaments, chaplets of flowers, nor rich perfumes were wanting. The table

N

was