for the Pictish damsel, we have an easy chair prepared at the upper end of the table; which we doubt not but she will grace with a very hideous aspect, and 'much better become the seat in the native and unaffected uncomeliness of her person, than with all the superficial airs of the pencil, which (as you have very ingeniously observed) vanish with a breath, and the most innocent adorer may deface the shrine with a salutation, and in the literal sense of our poets, snatch and imprint his balmy kisses, and devour her melting lips. In short, the only faces of the Pictish kind that will endure the weather, must be of Dr. Carbuncle's die; though his, in truth, has cost him a world the painting; but then he boasts with Zeuxes, in æternitatem pingo; and oft jocosely tells the fair ones, would they acquire colours that would stand kissing, they must no longer paint, but drink for a complexion: a maxim that in this our age has been pursued with no ill success; and has been as admirable in its effects, as the famous cosmetic mentioned in the Postman, and invented by the renowned British Hippocrates of the pestle and mortar; making the party, after a due course, rosy, hale, and airy; and the best and most approved receipt now extant, for the fever of the spirits. But to return to our female candidate, who, I understand is returned to herself, and will no longer hang out false colours; as she is the first of her sex that has done us so great an honour, she will certainly in a very short time, both in prose and verse, be a lady of the most celebrated deformity now living, and meet with many admirers here as frightful as herself. But being a long-headed gentlewoman, I am apt to imagine she has some further design than you have yet penetrated; and perhaps has more mind to the Spectator than any of his fraternity, as the person of all the world she could like for a paramour. And if so, really I cannot but applaud her choice, and should be glad, if it might lie in my power, to effect an amicable accommodation betwixt two faces of such different ex face betwixt them; and this my worthy predecessor, Mr. Sergeant Chin, always maintained to be no more than the true oval proportion between man and wife. But as this may be a new thing to you, who have hitherto had no expectations from women, I shall allow you what time you think fit to consider on it; not without some hope of seeing at last your thoughts hereupon subjoined to mine, and which is an honour much desired by, sir, your assured friend, and most humble servant, 'HUGH GOBLIN, Præses.' The following letter has not much in it, but as it is written in my own praise, I cannot from my heart suppress it. 'SIR,-You proposed in your Spectator of last Tuesday, Mr. Hobbs's hypothesis for solving that very odd phænomenon of laughter. You have made the hypothesis valuable by espousing it yourself; for had it continued Mr. Hobbs's, nobody would have minded it. Now here this perplexed case arises. A certain company laughed very heartily upon the reading of that very paper of yours; and the truth of it is, he must be a man of more than ordinary constancy that could stand out against so much comedy, and not do as we did. Now there are few men in the world so far lost to all good sense, as to look upon you to be a man in a state of folly "inferior to himself."-Pray then how do you justify your hypothesis of laughter? "Your most humble, Q. R.' tremes, as the only possible expedient to No. 53.] Tuesday, May 1, 1711. mend the breed, and rectify the physiognomy of the family on both sides. And again, as she is a lady of a very fluent elocution, you need not fear that your first child will be born dumb, which otherwise you might have reason to be apprehensive of. To be plain with you, I can see nothing shocking in it; for though she has not a face like a john-apple, yet as a late friend of mine, who at sixty-five ventured on a lass of fifteen, very frequently in the remaining five years of his life gave me to understand, that as old as he then seemed, when they were first married he and his spouse could make but fourscore; so may madam Hecatissa very justly allege hereafter, that as long-visaged as she may then be thought, upon their wedding-day Mr. Spectator and she had but half an ell of -Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus, Roscommon. My correspondents grow so numerous, that I cannot avoid frequently inserting their applications to me. 'MR. SPECTATOR,-I am glad I can in form you, that your endeavours to adorn that sex, which is the fairest part of the visible creation, are well received, and like to prove not unsuccessful. The triumph of Daphne over her sister Lætitia has been the subject of conversation at several tea-tables where I have been present; and I have observed the fair circle not a little pleased to find you considering them as reasonable creatures, and endeavouring to banish that Mahometan custom, which had too much prevailed even in this island, of treating women as if they had no souls. I must do them the justice to say, that there seems to be nothing wanting to the finishing of these lovely pieces of human nature, besides the turning and applying their ambition properly, and the keeping them up to a sense of what is their true merit. Epictetus, that plain, honest philosopher, as little as he had of gallantry, appears to have understood them, as well as the polite St. Evremont, and has hit this point very luckily. When young women,' says he, arrive at a certain age, they hear themselves called Mistresses, and are made to believe that their only business is to please the men; they immediately begin to dress, and place all their hopes in the adorning of their persons; it is therefore,' continues he, worth the while to endeavour by all means to make them sensible that the honour paid to them is only upon account of their conducting themselves with virtue, modesty, and discretion.' the rules of honour and prudence; and No answer to this, till Anna Bella sends a description of those she calls the bestbred men in the world. 'MR. SPECTATOR,—I am a gentleman who for many years last past have been well known to be truly splenetic, and that my spleen arises from having contracted so great a delicacy, by reading the best authors, and keeping the most refined company, that I cannot bear the least impropriety of language, or rusticity of behaviour. Now, to pursue the matter yet further, Now, sir, I have ever looked upon this as and to render your cares for the improve- a wise distemper; but by late observations ment of the fair ones more effectual, I find, that every heavy wretch, who has nowould propose a new method, like those thing to say, excuses his dulness by comapplications which are said to convey their plaining of the spleen. Nay, I saw the virtue by sympathy; and that is, that in other day, two fellows in a tavern kitchen order to embellish the mistress, you should set up for it, call for a pint and pipes, and give a new education to the lover, and only by guzzling liquor, to each other's teach the men not to be any longer dazzled health, and by wafting smoke in each by false charms and unreal beauty. I can- other's face, pretend to throw off the not but think that if our sex knew always spleen. I appeal to you whether these how to place their esteem justly, the other dishonours are to be done to the distemper would not be so often wanting to them- of the great and the polite. I beseech you, selves in deserving it. For as the being sir, to inform these fellows that they have enamoured with a woman of sense and vir- not the spleen, because they cannot talk tue is an improvement to a man's under- without the help of a glass at their mouths, standing and morals, and the passion is or convey their meaning to each other ennobled by the object which inspires it; without the interposition of clouds. If you so on the other side, the appearing amiable will not do this with all speed, I assure you, to a man of a wise and elegant mind, car- for my part, I will wholly quit the disease, ries in itself no small degree of merit and and for the future be merry with the vulaccomplishment. I conclude, therefore, gar. I am, sir, your humble servant.' that one way to make the women yet more agreeable is, to make the men more virtuous. I am, sir, your most humble_servant, R. B.' 'April 26th. 'SIR,-Yours of Saturday fast I read, not without some resentment; but I will suppose, when you say you expect an inundation of ribands and brocades, and to see many new vanities which the women will fall into upon a peace with France, that you intend only the unthinking part of our sex; and what methods can reduce them to reason is hard to imagine. 'But, sir, there are others yet, that your instructions might be of great use to, who, after their best endeavours, are sometimes at a loss to acquit themselves to a censorious world. I am far from thinking you can altogether disapprove of conversation between ladies and gentlemen, regulated by 'SIR,-This is to let you understand that I am a reformed Starer, and conceived a detestation for that practice from what you have writ upon the subject. But as you have been very severe upon the behaviour of us men at divine service, I hope you will not be so apparently partial to the women, as to let them go wholly unobserved. If they do every thing that is possible to attract our eyes, are we more culpable than they, for looking at them? I happened last Sunday to be shut into a pew, which was full of young ladies in the bloom of youth and beauty. When the service began, I had not room to kneel at the confession, but as I stood kept my eyes from wandering as well as I was able, till one of the young ladies, who is a Peeper, resolved to bring down my looks and fix my devotion on herself. You are to know, sir, that a Peeper works with her hands, eyes, and I 'Given at our court in Vinegar-yard, story the third from the earth, April 28, 1711.' -Strenua nos exercet inertia. R. Hor. Lib. 2. Ep. xi. 28. Laborious idleness our powers employs. have received from the learned university THE following letter being the first that of Cambridge, I could not but do myself the honour of publishing it. It gives an account of a new sect of philosophers which has arose in that famous residence of learning; and is, perhaps, the only sect this age is likely to produce. fan; ; one of which is continually in motion, while she thinks she is not actually the admiration of some ogler or starer in the congregation. As I stood utterly at a loss how to behave myself, surrounded as I was, this Peeper so placed herself as to be No. 54.] Wednesday, May 2, 1711. kneeling just before me. She displayed the most beautiful bosom imaginable, which heaved and fell with some fervour, while a delicate well-shaped arm held a fan over her face. It was not in nature to command one's eyes from this object. I could not avoid taking notice also of her fan, which had on it various figures very improper to behold on that occasion. There lay in the body of the piece a Venus under a purple canopy furled with curious wreaths of drapery, half naked, attended with a train of Cupids, who were busy in fanning her as 'Cambridge, April 26. she slept. Behind her was drawn a satyr 'MR. SPECTATOR,-Believing you to be peeping over the silken fence, and threat- an universal encourager of liberal arts and ening to break through it. I frequently sciences, and glad of any information from offered to turn my sight another way, but the learned world, I thought an account of was still detained by the fascination of the a sect of philosophers, very frequent among Peeper's eyes, who had long practised aus, but not taken notice of as far as I can skill in them, to recal the parting glances remember, by any writers, either ancient of her beholders. You see my complaint, or modern, would not be unacceptable to and I hope you will take these mischievous people, the Peepers, into your consideration. I doubt not but you will think a Peeper as much more pernicious than a Starer, as an ambuscade is more to be feared than an open assault. I am, Sir, your most obedient servant.' This Peeper using both fan and eyes, to be considered as a Pict, and proceed accordingly. KING LATINUS to the SPEctator, greeting. Though some may think we descend from our imperial dignity, in holding correspondence with a private literato; yet as we have great respect to all good intentions for our service, we do not esteem it beneath us to return you our royal thanks for what you have published in our behalf, while under confinement in the enchanted castle of the Savoy, and for your mention of a subsidy for a prince in misfortune. This your timely zeal has inclined the hearts of divers to be aiding unto us, if we could propose the means. We have taken their good-will into consideration, and have contrived a method which will be easy to those who shall give the aid, and not unacceptable to us who receive it. A concert of music shall be prepared at Haberdasher's-hall, for Wednesday the second of May, and we will honour the said entertainment with our own presence, where each person shall be assessed but at two shillings and sixpence. What we expect from you is, that you publish these our royal intentions, with injunction that they be read at all tea-tables within the cities of London and Westminster; and so we bid you heartily farewell. LATINUS, King of the Volscians. you. The philosophers of this sect are in the language of our university called Loungers. I am of opinion, that, as in many other things, so likewise in this, the ancients have been defective; viz: in mentioning no philosophers of this sort. Some indeed will affirm that they are a kind of Peripatetics, because we see them continually walking about. But I would have these gentlemen consider, that though the ancient Peripatetics walked much, yet they wrote much also; witness, to the sorrow of this sect, Aristotle and others; whereas it is notorious that most of our professors never lay out a farthing either in pen, ink, or paper. Others are for deriving them from Diogenes, because several of the leading men of the sect have a great deal of cynical humour in them, and delight much in sunshine. But then, again, Diogenes was content to have his constant habitation in a narrow tub, whilst our philosophers are so far from being of his opinion, that it is death to them to be confined within the limits of a good handsome convenient chamber but for half an hour. Others there are who from the clearness of their heads deduce the pedigree of loungers from that great man (I think it was either Plato or Socrates) who, after all his study and learning, professed, that all he then knew was, that he knew nothing. You easily see this is but a shallow argument, and may be soon confuted. 'I have with great pains and industry made my observation from time to time upon these sages; and having now all materials ready, am compiling a treatise, wherein I shall set forth the rise and progress of this famous sect, together with their maxims, austerities, manner of living, &c. Having prevailed with a friend who designs shortly to publish a new edition of As the dial to the sun, only the present instant, and do not taste Our younger students are content to carry -Intus et in jecore ægro Pers. Sat. v. 120. Our passions play the tyrant in our breasts. I must be so just as to observe I have forMOST of the trades, professions, and merly seen of this sect at our other univerways of living among mankind, take their sity; though not distinguished by the ap-original either from the love of pleasure or pellation which the learned historian, my the fear of want. The former, when it correspondent, reports they bear at Cam- becomes too violent, degenerates into luxubridge. They were ever looked upon as a people that impaired themselves more by ry, and the latter into avarice. As these their strict application to the rules of their order, than any other students whatever. Others seldom hurt themselves any further than to gain weak eyes, and sometimes headaches; but these philosophers are seized all over with a general inability, indolence, and weariness, and a certain impatience of the place they are in, with a heaviness in removing to another. two principles of action draw different ways, Persius has given us a very humourroused out of his bed in order to be sent ous account of a young fellow who was wards overpersuaded and kept at home upon a long voyage, by Avarice, and afterby Luxury. I shall set down the pleadings of these two imaginary persons, as they are in the original, with Mr. Dryden's trans lation of them: The loungers are satisfied with being Mane, piger, stertis: surge, inquit Avaritia; eja Jam pueris pellem succinctus, et œnophorum aptas; inde est. En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo. Sat. v. 132. 'Whether alone or in thy harlot's lap, At his command th' unwilling sluggard wakes. With thy own hands, from the tir'd camel's back, Resolv'd for sea, the slaves thy baggage pack, and prosperity. At such times men naturally endeavour to outshine one another in pomp and splendour, and having no fears to alarm them from abroad, indulge themselves in the enjoyment of all the pleasures they can get into their possession; which naturally produces avarice, and an immoderate pursuit after wealth and riches. lation of those two great principles of acAs I was humouring myself in the specution, I could not forbear throwing my thoughts into a little kind of allegory or fable, with which I shall here present my reader. There were two very powerful tyrants engaged in a perpetual war against each other, the name of the first was Luxury, and of the second Avarice. The aim of each of them was no less than universal monarchy over the hearts of mankind. Luxury had many generals under him, who did him great service, as Pleasure, Mirth, Pomp, and Fashion. Avarice was likewise very strong in his officers, being faithfully served by Hunger, Industry, Care, and Watchfulness: he had likewise a privy-counsellor who was always at his elbow, and whispering something or other in his ear: the name of this privy-counsellor was Poverty. As Avarice con Stark, staring mad, that thou would'st tempt the sea? ducted himself by the counsels of Poverty, Cubb'd in a cabin, on a matrass laid, On a brown George, with lousy swabbers fed; Say would'st thou bear all this, to raise thy store, his antagonist was entirely guided by the dictates and advice of Plenty, who was his first counsellor and minister of state, that concerted all his measures for him, and never departed out of his sight. While these two great rivals were thus contending for empire, their conquests were very various. Luxury got possession of one heart, and Avarice of another. The father of a family would often range himself under the banners of Avarice, and the son When a government flourishes in con- under those of Luxury. The wife and the quests, and is secure from foreign attacks, husband would often declare themselves it naturally falls into all the pleasures of on the two different parties: nay, the same luxury; and as these pleasures are very person would very often side with one in expensive, they put those who are ad- his youth, and revolt to the other in his old dicted to them upon raising fresh supplies age. Indeed the wise men of the world of money, by all the methods of rapacious- stood neuter; but alas! their numbers were ness and corruption; so that avarice and not considerable. At length, when these luxury very often become one complicated two potentates had wearied themselves with principle of action, in those whose hearts waging war upon one another, they agreed are wholly set upon ease, magnificence, upon an interview, at which neither of and pleasure. The most elegant and cor- their counsellors were to be present. It is rect of all the Latin historians observes, said that Luxury began the parley, and afthat in his time, when the most formidable ter having represented the endless state of states of the world were subdued by the Ro-war in which they were engaged, told his mans, the republic sunk into those two vices enemy, with a frankness of heart which is of a quite different nature, luxury and ava-natural to him, that he believed they two rice:* and accordingly describes Catiline as should be very good friends were in not for one who coveted the wealth of other men, the instigations of Poverty, that pernicious at the same time that he squandered away counsellor, who made an ill use of his ear, This observation on the com- and filled him with groundless apprehenmonwealth, when it was in its height of sions and prejudices. To this Avarice repower and riches, holds good of all go- plied, that he looked upon Plenty (the first vernments that are settled in a state of ease minister of his antagonist) to be a much more destructive counsellor than Poverty, for that he was perpetually suggesting his own. * Alieni appetens, sui profusus.-Sal. |