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swered, “Five-and-twenty gave me credit: but people, one day, when he spake to the people, in there were two-and-thirty that gave you no credit, one part of his speech, was applauded : wherefor they had their money beforehand.”
upon he turned to one of his friends, and asked, 21. Many men, especially such as affect gra- - What have I said amiss ?”'. vity, have a manner after other men's speech to 31. Sir Walter Raleigh was wont to say of the shake their heads. Sir Lionel Cranfield would ladies of Queen Elizabeth's privý-chamber and say, “ It was as men shake a bottle, to see if bed-chamber, “that they were like witches, they there were any wit in their head or no?"
could do hurt, but they could do no good.” 22. Sir Thomas More, who was a man in all 32. Bion, that was an atheist, was showed in his lifetime that had an excellent vein in jesting, a port city, in a temple of Neptune, many tables at the very instant of his death, having a pretty of pictures, of such as had in tempests made their long beard, after his head was upon the block, vows to Neptune, and were saved from shipwreck: lift it up again, and gently drew his beard aside, and was asked, “How say you now? Do you and said, “This hath not offended the king." not acknowledge the power of the gods ?” But
23. Sir Thomas More had sent him by a suitor he said, “Yes, but where are they painted that in chancery two silver flagons. When they were have been drowned after their vows ?" presented by the gentleman's servant, he said to 33. Bias was sailing, and there fell out a great one of his men, “Have him to the cellar, and let tempest; and the mariners, that were wicked and him have of my best wine:" and, turning to the dissolute fellows, called upon the gods; but Bias servant, said, “ Tell thy master, friend, if he like said to them, “ Peace, let them not know you are it, let him not spare it."
here." 24. Diogenes, having seen that the kingdom 34. Bion was wont to say; “That Socrates, of Macedon, which before was contemptible and of all the lovers of Alcibiades, only held him by low, began to come aloft when he died, was asked the ears." how he would be buried ? He answered, “ With 35. There was a minister deprived for inconmy face downwards; for within a while the world formity, who said to some of his friends, “That will be turned upside down, and then I shall lie if they deprived him, it should cost an hundred right."
men's lives. The party understood it, as if, 25. Cato the elder was wont to say; that the being a turbulent fellow, he would have moved Romans were like sheep ; a man were better drive sedition, and complained of him; whereupon a flock of them, than one of them.
being convented and apposed upon that speech, 26. Themistocles in his lower fortune was in he said his meaning was, “That if he lost his love with a young gentleman who scorned him; benefice, he would practise physic, and then he when he grew to his greatness, which was soon thought he should kill an hundred men in time." after, he sought to him: Themistocles said, “We 36. Michael Angelo, the famous painter, paintare both grown wise, but too late.”
ing in the pope's chapel the portraiture of hell and 27. Demonax the philosopher, when he died, damned souls, made one of the damned souls so was asked touching his burial. He answered, like a cardinal that was his enemy, as everybody “ Never take care for burying me, for stink will at first sight knew it. Whereupon the cardinal bury me.” He that asked him said again: "Why, complained to Pope Clement, desiring it might would you have your body left to dogs and ravens be defaced; who said to him, “ Why, you know to feed upon ?" Demonax answered, “Why, what very well, I have power to deliver a soul out of great hurt is it, if having sought to do good, when purgatory, but not out of hell.” I lived, to men; my body do some good to beasts, 37. There was a philosopher about Tiberius, when I am dead."
that looking into the nature of Caius, said of him; 28. Jack Roberts was desired by his tailor, “ that he was mire and mingled with blood.” when the reckoning grew somewhat high, to have 38. Alcibiades came to Pericles, and stayed a a bill of his hand. Roberts said, “I am content, while ere he was admitted. When he came in, but you must let no man know it.” When the Pericles civilly excused it, and said; “I was tailor brought him the bill, he tore it as in choler, studying how to give my account.” But Alciand said to him, “You use me not well; you biades said to him, “ If you will be ruled by me, promised me nobody should know it, and here study rather how to give no account." you have put in, •Be it known unto all men by 39. Cicero was at dinner, where there was an these presents.'
ancient lady that spake of her years, and said, 29. When Lycurgus was to reform and alter “she was but forty years old." One that sat the state of Sparta ; in the consultation one ad- by Cicero rounded him in the ear, and said; vised, that it should be reduced to one absolute She talks of forty years old; and she is far popular equality : but Lycurgus said to him ; more, out of question.” Cicero answered him “ Sir, begin it in your own house."
again; “I must believe her, for I have heard her 30. Phocion, the Athenian, a man of great say so any time these ten years." severity, and noways flexible to the will of the 40. Pope Adrian the Sixth was talking with
the Duke of Sesa, “that Pasquil gave great scan- | no?" He durst not tell untruth to the emperor, dal, and that he would have him thrown into and confessed that he was 'not his brother. the river:” but Sesa answered, “Do it not, holy Whereupon the emperor said, “This do, fetch father, for then he will turn frog; and whereas me the money, and you shall have your suit denow he chants but by day, he will then chant spatched.” Which he did. The courtier, which both by day and night.”
was the mean, solicited Vespasian soon after 41. There was a soldier that vaunted before about his suit: “Why," saith Vespasian, “I Julius Cæsar of hurts he had received in his face. gave it last day to a brother of mine.” Julius Cæsar knowing him to be but a coward, 49. When Vespasian passed from Jewry to told him; “ You were best take heed next time take upon him the empire, he went by Alexandria, you run away, how you look back.”
where remained two famous philosophers, Appol42. There was a bishop that was somewhat a lonius and Euphrates. The emperor heard the delicate person, and bathed twice a day. A friend discourse, touching matter of state, in the presence of his said to him; “My lord, why do you bathe of many. And when he was weary of them, he twice a day?" The bishop answered ; " Because brake off, and in a secret derision, finding their I cannot conveniently bathe thrice."
discourses but speculative, and not to be put in 43. Mendoza that was viceroy of Peru, was practice, said, “O) that I might govern wise men, wont to say,
" that the government of Peru was and wise men govern me." the best place that the King of Spain gave, save 50. Cardinal Ximenes, upon a muster, which that it was somewhat too near Madrid."
was taken against the Moors, was spoken to by 44. Secretary Bourn's son kept a gentleman's a servant of his to stand a little out of the smoke wife in Shropshire, who lived from her husband, of the harquebuss; but he said again, “ That that with him: when he was weary of her, he caused was his incense." her husband to be dealt with to take her home, 51. Vespasian asked of Apollonius, what was and offered him five hundred pounds for repara- the cause of Nero's ruin? Who answered, “ Nero tion ; the gentleman went to Sir H. Sidney to could tune the harp well, but in government he take his advice upon this offer, telling him, " that did always wind up the strings too high, or let his wife promised now a new life; and, to tell them down too low.” him truth, five hundred pounds would come well 52. Mr. Bromley, solicitor, giving in evidence with him; and besides, that sometimes he wanted for a deed, which was impeached to be fraudulent, a woman in his bed." By my troth,” said Sir was urged by the counsel on the other side with Henry Sidney, “ take her home, and take the mo- this presumption, that in two former suits, when ney: and then whereas other cuckolds wear their title was made, that deed was passed over in horns plain, you may wear yours gilt.”
silence, and some other conveyance stood upon. 45. There was a gentleman in Italy that wrote Mr. Justice Catline taking in with that side, to a great friend of his upon his advancement to asked the solicitor, “I pray thee, Mr. Solicitor, be cardinal, that he was very glad of his advance- let me ask you a familiar question; I have two ment, for the cardinal's own sake; but he was geldings in my stable, and I have divers times sorry that himself had lost so good a friend. business of importance, and still I send forth one
46. When Rabelais lay on his death-bed, and of my geldings, and not the other; would you they gave him the extreme unction, a familiar not think I set him aside for a jade ?” “No, my friend of his came to him afterwards, and asked lord,” said Bromley, “I would think you spared him how he did ? Rabelais answered, “Even him for your own saddle.” going my journey, they have greased my boots 53. Alonso Cartilio was informed by his steward already."
of the greatness of his expense, being such as he 47. There was a king of Hungary took a bishop could not hold out with. The bishop asked him in battle, and kept him prisoner : whereupon the wherein it chiefly arose ? His steward told him, pope writ a monitory to him, for that he had broke in the multitude of his servants. The bishop bade the privilege of holy church, and taken his son. him make a note of those that were necessary, The king sent an embassage to him, and sent and those that mought be spared. Which he did. withal the armour wherein the bishop was taken, And the bishop taking occasion to read it before and this only in writing, “ Vide num hæc sit most of his servants, said to his steward, “Well, vestis filii tui :"
let these remain because I need them; and these 48. There was a suitor to Vespasian, who, to other also because they have need of me." lay his suit fairer, said it was for his brother;
54. Queen Elizabeth was wont to say, upon the whereas indeed it was for a piece of money. commission of sales, “That the commissioners Some about Vespasian, to cross him, told the used her like strawberry wives, that laid two or emperor that the party his servant spoke for, was three great strawberries at the mouth of their pot, not his brother, but that it was upon a bargain. and all the rest were little ones; so they made her Vespasian sent for the party interested, and asked two or three good prizes of the first particulars, nim; “Whether his mean was his brother or but fell straightways."
55. Queen Elizabeth was wont to say of her " That his style was like mortar of sand without instructions to great officers, “ That they were like lime." to garments, strait at the first putting on, but did 64. Sir Henry Wotton used to say, “That by and by wear loose enough.”
critics are like brushers of noblemen's clothes." 56. Mr. Marbury the preacher would say, “That 65. Queen Elizabeth being to resolve upon a God was fain to do with wicked men, as men do great officer, and being by some, that canvassed with frisking jades in a pasture, that cannot take for others, put in some doubt of that person whom them up, till they get them at a gate. So wicked she meant to advance, called for Mr. Bacon, and men will not be taken up till the hour of death.” told him, “She was like one with a lantern seek.
57. Thales, as he looked upon the stars, fell ing a man;" and seemed unsatisfied in the choico into the water; whereupon it was after said, “ That she had of men for that place. Mr. Bacon anif he had looked into the water he might have seen swered her, " That he had heard that in old time the stars, but looking up to the stars he could not there was usually painted on the church walls the see the water."
day of doom, and God sitting in judgment, and 58. The book of deposing King Richard the Se- St. Michael by him with a pair of balances; and cond, and the coming in of Henry the Fourth, sup- the soul and the good deeds in the one balance, posed to be written by Doctor Hayward, who was and the faults and the evil deeds in the other: and committed to the Tower for it, had much incensed the soul's balance went up far too light. Then Queen Elizabeth; and she asked Mr. Bacon, was our lady painted with a great pair of beads, being then of her learned counsel, “Whether who cast them into the light balance, and brought there was any treason contained in it?" Mr. down the scale: so, he said, place and authority. Bacon intending to do him a pleasure, and to take which were in her hands to give, were like our off the queen's bitterness with a merry conceit, lady's beads, which though men, through divers answered, “No, madan, for treason I cannot imperfections, were too light before, yet when deliver opinion that there is any, but very much they were cast in, made weight competent." felony.” The queen, apprehending it gladly, 66. Mr. Savill was asked by my Lord of Essex asked, “How? and wherein ?" Mr. Bacon an- his opinion touching poets. Who answered my swered, " Because he had stolen many of his sen- lord ; “ that he thought them the best writers, next tences and conceits out of Cornelius Tacitus." to those that writ prose.”
59. Mr. Popham, when he was speaker, and 67. Mr. Mason of Trinity College sent his the Lower House had sat long, and done in effect pupil to another of the fellows, to borrow a book nothing; coming one day to Queen Elizabeth, she of him, who told him, “I am loath to lend my said to him; “ Now, Mr. Speaker, what hath pass- books out of my chamber, but if it please thy tutor ed in the Lower House?" He answered, “If to come and read upon it in my chamber he shall it please your majesty, seven weeks.”
as long as he will." It was winter, and some days 60. Pope Sixtus the Fifth, who was a poor after the same fellow sent to Mr. Mason to borrow man's son, and his father's house ill thatched, so his bellows; but Mr. Mason said to his pupil, that the sun came in in many places, would sport - I am loath to lend my bellowstout of my chamber, with his ignobility, and say, “ He was • nato di but if thy tutor would come and blow the fire in casa illustre:' son of an illustrious house." my chamber he shall as long as he will.”
61. When the King of Spain conquered Portu- 68. Nero did cut a youth, as if he would have gal, he gave special charge to his lieutenant, that transformed him into a woman, and called him the soldiers should not spoil, lest he should alien- wife ; there was a senator of Rome that said ate the hearts of the people: the army also suf- secretly to his friend, “It was a pity Nero's fered much scarcity of victual. Whereupon the father had not such a wife.” Spanish soldiers would afterwards say, 66 that 69. Galba succeeded Nero, and his age being they had won the king a kingdom, as the king- much despised, there was much license and condom of heaven used to be won: by fasting and fusion in Rome; whereupon a senator said in full abstaining from that that is another man's.” senate, “ It were better live where nothing is
62. Cicero married his daughter to Dolabella lawful, than where all things are lawful.” that held Cæsar's party: Pompey had married 70. In Flanders, by accident a Flemish tiler fell Julia, that was Cæsar's daughter. After, when from the top of a house upon a Spaniard, and Cæsar and Pompey took arms one against the killed him, though he escaped himself; the next other, and Pompey had passed the seas, and of the blood prosecuted his death with great vioCæsar possessed Italy, Cicero stayed somewhat lence, and when he was offered pecuniary recomlong in Italy, but at last sailed over to join with pense, nothing would serve him but “lex talioPompey; who when he came unto him, Pompey nis;" whereupon the judge said to him, “ that if said, “ You are welcome, but where left you your he did urge that kind of sentence, it must be, that son-in-law ?" Cicero answered, “With your he should go up to the top of the house, and then father-in-law."
fall down upon the tiler.” 63. Nero was wont to say of his master Seneca, 71. Queen Elizabeth was dilatory enough in
suits, of her own nature; and the Lord Treasurer | The archduke has risen from the Grave." He Burleigh, to feed her humour, would say to her, ans
nswered, “What, without the trumpet of the “ Madam, you do well to let suitors stay; for I archangel ?" The queen replied, “ Yes, without shall tell you, bis dat, qui cito dat:' if you sound of trumpet." grant them specdily, they will come again the 79. Francis the First used for his pleasure sooner."
sometimes to go disguised : so walking one day in 72. They feigned a tale of Sixtus Quintus, that the company of the Cardinal of Bourbon near after his death he went to hell, and the porter of Paris, he met with a peasant with a new pair of hell said to him, “You have some reason to offer shoes upon his arm: so he called unto him and yourself to this place; but yet I have order not to said ; “ By our lady, these be good shoes, what receive you: you have a place of your own, pur- did they cost thee?" The peasant said, “Guess." gatory; you may go thither.” So he went away, The king said, " I think some five sols.” Saith and sought purgatory a great while and could find the peasant, “ You have lied; but a carlois." no such place. Whereupon he took heart, and “What, villain," saith the Cardinal of Bourbon, went to heaven, and knocked; and St. Peter asked, “thou art dead, it is the king.” The peasant re“ Who was there ?" He said, “Sixtus pope.” plied, “ The devil take him of you and me, that Whereunto St. Peter said, “Why do you knock ? knew so much." you have the keys.” Sixtus answered, “It is 80. There was a conspiracy against the empetrue ; but it is so long since they were given, as I ror Claudius by Scribonianus, examined in the doubt the wards of the lock be altered."
senate; where Claudius sat in his chair, and one 73. Charles, King of Sweden, a great enemy of of his freed servants stood at the back of his chair. the Jesuits, when he took any of their colleges, he In the examination, that freed servant, who had would hang the old Jesuits, and put the young to much power with Claudius, very saucily had his mines, saying, “ that since they wrought so almost all the words : and amongst other things, hard above ground, he would try how they could he asked in scorn one of the examinats, who was work under ground.”
likewise freed servant of Scribonianus; “I pray, 74. In chancery one time when the counsel of sir, if Scribonianus had been emperor, what would the parties set forth the boundaries of the land in you have done?” He answered ; “I would question, by the plot; and the counsel of one have stood behind his chair and held my peace." part said, “We lie on this side, my lord ;" and 81. Dionysius the tyrant, after he was deposed the counsel of the other part said, “ And we lie on and brought to Corinth, kept a school. Many this side:” the Lord Chancellor Hatton stood up used to visit him; and amongst others, one, when and said, “ If you lie on both sides, whom will he came in, opened his mantle and shook his you have me to believe."
clothes, thinking to give Dionysius a gentle 75. Vespasian and Titus his eldest son were scorn; because it was the manner to do so for both absent from Rome when the empire was cast them that came in to him while he was tyrant. upon him: Domitian his younger son was at Rome, But Dionysius said to him; “I prithee do so who took upon him the affairs; and being of a rather when thou goest out, that we may see thou turbulent spirit, made many changes; and dis- stealest nothing away." placed divers officers and governors of provinces, 82. Hannibal said of Fabius Maximus, and of sending them successors. So when Vespasian Marcellus, whereof the former waited upon him, came to Rome, and Domitian came into his pre- that he could make no progress, and the latter sence, Vespasian said to him, “Son, I looked had many sharp fights with him; “ That he feared when you would have sent me a successor." Fabius like a tutor, and Marcellus like an enemy."
76. Sir Amyas Pawlet, when he saw too much 83. Diogenes, one terrible frosty morning, haste made in any matter, was wont to say, “Stay came into the market-place, and stood naked, a while, that we may make an end the sooner. quaking, to show his tolerance. Many of the
77. The deputies of the reformed religion, after people came about him, pitying him : Plato passthe massacre which was upon St. Bartholomew's ing by, and knowing he did it to be seen, said to day, treated with the king and queen-mother, and the people as he went by, “If you pity him indeed, some other of the council, for a peace. Both sides leave him alone.” were agreed upon the articles. The question was, 84. Sackford, master of the requests to Queen upon the security of performance. After some Elizabeth, had diverse times moved for audience, particulars propounded and rejected, the queen- and been put off. At last he came to the queen mother said, “Why, is not the word of a king suf- in a progress, and had on a new pair of boots. ficient security ?" One of the deputies answered, When he came in, the queen said to him, “ Fy, 6. No, by St. Bartholemew, madam.".
sloven, thy new boots stink.” ** Madam," said 78. When the archduke did raise his siege he, “it is not my new boots that stink; but it is from Grave, the then secretary came to Queen the stale bills that I have kept so long." Elizabeth. The queen, having first intelligence 85. One was saying that his great-grandfather, thereof, said to the secretary, “Wot you what? and grandfather, and father, died at sea; said an
other that heard him, And I were as you, I would | philosophers.” He answered, “. Because they think never come at sea.' Why,” saith he, “where themselves may sooner come to be poor, than to did your great-grandfather, and grandfather, and be philosophers.” father die ?" He answered; “ Where but in their 95. Alexander used to say of his two friends, beds?” Saith the other, “ And I were as you, I Craterus and Hephæstion; that Hephæstion loved would never come in bed." ;
Alexander, and Craterus loved the king. 86. Aristippus was earnest suitor to Dionysius 96. It fell out so, that as Livia went abroad in for somewhat, who would give no ear to his suit. Rome, there met her naked young men that were Aristippus fell at his feet, and then Dionysius sporting in the streets, which Augustus was about granted it. One that stood by said afterwards to severely to punish in them; but Livia spake for Aristippus, “ You a philosopher, and to be so them, and said, “ It was no more to chaste women base as to throw yourself at the tyrant's feet to than so many statues.'
get a suit.” Aristippus answered, "The fault is 97. Alonso of Arragon was wont to say in com
not mine, but the fault is in Dionysius, that car- mendation of age, " That age appeared to be best ries his ears in his feet."
in four things : old wood best to burn; old wine 87. There was a young man in Rome, that was to drink; old friends to trust; and old authors to very like Augustus Cæsar; Augustus took know- read.” ledge of it, and sent for the man, and asked him, 98. It was said of Augustus, and afterward the "Was your mother never at Rome?" He an- like was said of Septimius Severus, both which did swered, “ No, sir, but my father was.”
infinite mischief in their beginnings, and infinite 88. A physician advised his patient that had sore good toward their ends, “ that they should either eyes, that he should abstain from wine; but the have never been born or never died." patient said, “I think, rather, sir, from wine and 99. Queen Isabella of Spain used to say, water; for I have often marked it in blear eyes, “Whosoever hath a good presence, and a good and I have seen water come forth, but never fashion, carries letters of recommendation. wine."
100. Trajan would say of the vain jealousy of 89. When Sir Thomas More was lord chancel- princes, that seek to make away those that aspire lor, he did use, at mass, to sit in the chancel : to their succession; " That there was never king and his lady in a pew. And because the pew that did put to death his successor. stood out of sight, his gentleman-usher ever after 101. When it was represented to Alexander, to service, came to the lady's pew, and said, “Madam, the advantage of Antipater, who was a stern and my lord is gone." So when the chancellor's imperious man, that he only of all his lieutenants place was taken from him, the next time they wore no purple, but kept the Macedonian habit of went to church, Sir Thomas himself came to black; Alexander said, “Yea, but Antipater is his lady's pew, and said ; “ Madam, my lord is all purple within." gone."
102. Constantine the Great, in a kind of envy, 90. At an act of the commencement, the an- himself being a great builder, as Trajan likewise swerer gave for his question, that an aristocracy was, would call Trajan - Parietaria :" wall-flower; was better than a monarchy. The replier, who because his name was upon so many walls. was a dissolute fellow, did tax him, that being a 103. Philip of Macedon was wished to banish private bred man, he would give a question of one for speaking ill of him. But Philip answered; state. The answerer said, that the replier did - Better he speak where we are both known, than much wrong the privilege of scholars, who would where we are both unknown.” be much straitened if they should give questions 104. A Grecian captain advising the confedeof nothing but such things wherein they are prac-rates that were united against the Lacedæmonians, tised: and added, “We have heard yourself dis- touching their enterprise, gave opinion, that they pute of virtue, which no man will say you put much should go directly upon Sparta, saying; “ That in practice.”
the state of Sparta was like rivers; strong when 91. There was a dispute, whether great heads they had run a great way, and weak towards their or little heads had the better wit. And one said, head." “It must needs be the little ; for that it is a maxim, 105. Alonso of Arragon was wont to say of Omne majus continet in se minus."
himself, That he was a great necromancer,
for 92. Solon when he wept for his son's death, and that he used to ask counsel of the dead :" meanone said to him, “Weeping will not help;' answering books. ed, “ Alas, therefore I weep, because weeping will 106. Lucullus entertained Pompey in one of not help.”
his magnificent houses: Pompey said, “ This is a 93. Solon being asked, whether he had given marvellous fair and stately house for the summer: the Athenians the best laws, answered, “ Yes, the but methinks it should be very cold for winter.” best of those that they would have received." Lucullus answered, “Do you not think me as
94. One said to Aristippus, “ It is a strange thing wise as divers fowls are, to change my habitation why men should rather give unto the poor, than to in the winter season?"