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ELECTION ADDRESS-WRITING TAUGHT. Professor Toby has the pleasure to announce that, by the kind permission of Mr. Punch, he (the Professor) is permitted to give instructions to candidates for both houses of Parliament in the art of writing electioneering addresses. Professor Toby is of opinion that all who read the newspapers must concur in the opinion that instruction in this art is greatly needed, and he guarantees a marked improvement in the course of six easy lessons. Professor Toby teaches address writing in all styles, the Eminently practical- the Flowery and Metaphoricalthe Classical--the Serious-the Jocose-the Pensively humourous-the Statistical, &c. &c. &c., his system being to cultivate and improve rather than to eradicate the natural tendencies of his pupils. He is permitted to publish the following specimens exhibiting considerable progress:—

Specimen of my Address Writing,

before taking six easy Lessons
of Professor Toby-

BENJAMIN Buglehorn,
Squatter, Muddlerowie.

GENTLEMEN,

As I had not any expectations about being called upon in reply to your requisition, not having given much attention to politics and being absent when it came in I "hasten to reply to it accordingly at the soonest moment.

Whereas I have been engaged in sheep and cattle farming which it will be sixteen years in October, I consider I ought to know the wants of the people. It isn't gold that did the good and pioneered civilisation and that, but wool and tallow and hides and in my opinion it has done more harm than good in raising shepherds wages and things to a pitch nothing short of downright robbery.

As to state aid to religion and that, I haven't thought much about it, but I think those that go to church should pay for churches. Still I dont mind giving a five pound note to a church now and again myself.

I never saw a ballot myself and dont know exactly what it is but if I go in to politics I'd certainly like to know how my men voted and not go tripping me up on the sly, or I'd know the reason why.

I consider that compensation to squatters ought to be given whenever the Government takes upon them to sell their land, and which as it was they made it worth what it is they ought to get the full value and so the shortest way is to give it them out and out and they would sell it themselves and except that they are frightened by newspapers and democrats that's what they would do.

Specimen of my Address Writing, after taking six easy Lessons of Professor Toby.

BENJAMIN BUGLEHORN, Squatter, Muddlerowie. GENTLEMEN,--

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Although I have not hitherto taken an active part in public life I have during sixteen years, been a resident of the colony and identified with its leading interest, and have been enabled, I trust, to form a sound practical judgment concerning the true wants of the place and people. I say, I

have been identified with the leading interest, for I cannot look upon the gold discoveries as having been productive of a more than doubtful good, while those who became the pioneers of civilization while developing the pastoral resources of the colony are really entitled to the praise as having laid the foundation of sure and permanent prosperity.

With reference to State aid to religion, I trust it will be found that voluntary efforts will suffice for the adequate maintenance of its services, nor shall I ever be found backward in rendering all the assistance I can to this great cause, with my purse as well as my voice.

I have had no personal experience with the working of the Ballot system, but I confess myself averse to a principle which seems calculated to impair the just confidence which should subsist between employers and employed.

With respect to the title of the Pastoral tenants of the crown I hold what I fear would be thought by some to be extreme opinions. I think that the gen tlemen who have given value to lands which but for the exertions of those persons, would have ever remained unproductive, are fairly entitled to these lands in fee. To grant this, would be to put an

I dont know as I have any more political opinions in particular but I shall be happy to meet the electors and give the fullest explanations.

So I remain, Gentlemen, &c.

Angus McArdware, merchant.
Flinders Lane.
GENTLEMEN--

Being about to enter into. beg to assure you that any comthe legislative line of business, I mands with which you may honor me as one of your representatives, shall be executed in the best manner and with the utmost despatch.

My lengthened mercantile experience enables me to offer a trustand quality of the political artiworthy opinion upon the value cles, which will be brought into trust I shall be in a position to the Parliamentary market, and I every bill which bears my acceptance, and has been endorsed by public opinion.

honor

mining interest, as our firm have I am strongly in favor of the Sandhurst, and Maryborough. branch houses at Castlemaine,

My transactions with Mr. Wil

liam Nicholson have been so nu

merous and extensive, that I shall support the ballot out of respect to him.

I am favorable to state aid to re

ligion, as other wise ministers of the Gospel would get pretty deep

into the books of retail trades

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end to all conflicting interests, and would tend to the rapid settlement of the country.

I can only say in conclusion, that I hope soon to have an opportunity of personally addressing the electors, and of laying my opinions fully and frankly before them.

I remain, gentlemen, &c.
Angus McArdware, merchant,
Flinders Lane.
GENTLEMEN,

In offering myself as a candidate for your suffrages, I beg to assure you that, if elected, I shall endeavour to fulfil the responsible duties of a legislator with idelity and zeal.

Accustomed to direct commercial operations of considerable magnitude, I shall bring the experience and business habits I have thus acquired, to bear upon the work of legislation.

Deeply impressed with the importance of the mining interests of the colony, those interests will command my warmest sympathies and will receive my watchful

care.

As the principle of the ballot has been affirmed by the late Council, I shall lend my assistance to protect its operation and preserve its integrity.

Under existing circumstances, and having due regard to the precariousness of voluntary assistance to ministers of religion, officiatiug in the Bush, I should oppose an immediate abrogation of the 53rd clause of the Constitution Act.

I conceive that the squatters have been sufficiently enriched by the enhancement in the value of their flocks, which has resulted from the events of the last five years, and that they have thereno valid claims for compensation.

With respect to minor questions, I shall reserve fuller explanations until I have the honor of meeting you upon the hustings. I am, &c.

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VOL. II.

B

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Punch finds the following in the Sydney Morning Herald of the 2nd inst.:

"THE NORTHERN GOLD FIELDS.-An interesting little barouche has just been issued by Woolcott and Clarke, called a Guide to the Northern Gol! Fields, by an Old Bushman.' It contains a map of the various routes to the different gold mines; a list of articles required for the road; hints for the road; the route to the Rocky River Diggings, starting from Raymond Terrace through Stroud; hints for the preservation of health, &c., &c "

The Sydney people appear to have a nomenclature of their own. In Long Acre they would speak of a barouche having been built by Messrs. So-and-so, in place of having "just been issued"; nor would even the penny-a-liners on the Morning Post think of particularizing the small maps and pamphlets which had been placed in the pockets of the vehicle. Then, again, Punch cannot recognise the propriety of denominating a barouche, a "Guide to the Northern Gold Fields." Such an appellation might apply to the driver, but surely not to the carriage itself.

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to

a

POTICHOMANIE.

This is a Greek word, and signifies a sort of itching mania for the decoration of pots-a devotee of potichomanie will go pottering about among his acquaintances for all the old pots he can procure for conversion into ornamental pottery. The amateur cannot do better than commence operations on a chimney pot; before arriving at which, by all means have the chimney swept. The first direction (by a Staffordshire potter), is to cut out the design neatly; in doing which, you will find your work cut out for you. If you don't "come it" the first T will be scarcely time, you must come it again with another sheet of figures, and thus necessary to remark that this science recarry out the "cut and come again" principle, on which the whole fers exclusively system is founded. The propriety of adapting the various subjects of the contents of design to the description of pot to be decorated will be quite obvious chemist's shop. to the intelligent reader. A flower-pot, of course, would be treated in A rudimentary know. the most improved floricultural fashion; blacking pots be ornamented ledge of with portraits of the aboriginal blacks of Victoria; tea pots with some the first principles may teetotal design; and mustard-pots with any stray fancies that might be be mustered for the occasion. When your design is ready, you must acquired by inspect-give the vessel to be decorated a coating of cement. A thin coat will do in summer, but a second, or even a third, will be required in the winter season. The best cement is common mortar, which can be applied with the ordinary trowel; and this part of the business can be managed by an intelligeut mason, who will probably object to working more than eight hours a day, on account of the new popular movement. If the paper is too strong, it may be damped with a little water; if too weak, it may be moistened with a little brandy, and the eighthour man may have the beverages mixed. Varnish must be applied when the cement is dry, or the decoration is a mere unvarnished fact. conducted with a clothes brush. Nothing now remains but to have Brushes of various kinds are required, but the closing operation is your sham antiquities carefully baked, for which purpose they must be entrusten to a baker who will probably observe that pots are more frequently boiled than baked. oven, but you must take your chance with other baked joints. In The joints are apt to crack in the terminating these brief remarks, we feel it incumbent upon us to cauating science, to the neglect of more important studies, by which they tion young pot fanciers against the too absorbing pursuit of this fascinwill (in the language of the poet), inevitably come to grief, and ultimately go to pot.

ing any establishment
of the kind. If the
proprietor is a brick,
he will first draw
your attention to the
mortar, which is an
important agent in
chemical operations,
and also exhibit

and

Dear Mr. Punch,

SOCIAL INTERCOURSE.

He would have written himself, but that branch of his education was Papa has asked me to ask you to put down the Argus. neglected when he was young; so brother Tom signs the cheques; and Papa says, as the play actress says, that he don't want much learning to spend fifteen thousand a-year.

the pestle, illustrate its pestilent influences. The well-known song called Pestle or Pestal, was written by a chemist's apprentice, who subsequently destroyed himself by taking half-a-pint of prussic acid on an empty stomach. He was a Pole, but was considered a regular stick in his profession, and would never have risen to an important post. Chemistry proper is divided into several departments or compartments. One compartment contains the tooth-brushes, cornplaister, smelling-bottles, fancy soap, and other matters strictly belonging to the science. Another division is devoted to bottled liquors, such as Rowland's Kalydor, Day and Martin's blacking, and cod-liver oil; while a third may be reserved for pills, and also various powders, such as gunpowder, curry-powder, tooth-powder, etc., which are usually put up in one dozen packets, of different proportions, for adults and infants. One considerable division is set apart for oils, and includes salad or table oil, used in polishing tables, and castor-oil for applying to the castors. These are useful oils, and must be distinguished from essential oils, which are obtained by distillation; and if you enquire further, by what means, the answer is a retort. For the hair, oil of olives will do very well, but oil of vitriol is more effective, and will do for it altogether. The young is because it is always putting new fangled notions into people's heads. Well, Mr. Punch, what Papa wants you to put down the Argus for chemist must study the laws of chemical affinity, and the nature of Only think of its recommending evening parties with simple refreshsimple and compound bodies. A reference to the tables of affinity ments and no suppers! What is the use of rich people, like my Pa will convince him that he must not marry his grandmother, though and other old colonists, giving parties if we cannot have a grand she may be a simple body. The theory of chemical composition may spread; and bring out our plate, and our glass, and our china, and our appear somewhat obscure, but a composition candle will throw con- wines, and our hired waiters, and pay Terry ever so much for raised pies, siderable light upon it. The modern chemist must not be confounded and made dishes, and jellies, and so forth! And how are people to with the ancient alchemist, who practised the science of transmuting the baser metals into gold and silver. A pewter model of a half-crown friend of Papa's, a conceited new chum, was talking to him about it amuse themselves without plenty of good eating and drinking? A was converted into silver, so recently as the nineteenth century, and the other day, and said that visitors could enjoy themselves rationally also some brass farthings into sovereigns, but the professors received so little encouragement, that they were induced to settle in Australia, enough with books, and works of art, and music, and intelligent conand there founded the flourishing township of Sydney, where the round at the conver--something or other of the litterarty or illuminversation; and that coffee, and sandwiches, and negus, were handed manufacture of inferior sovereigns is continued to this day. In some arty, or whatever they are in London and Paris; which made Papa obscure country districts, a practice has obtained of operating with iron and steel for the production of gold. An old spade has been connisewers talking a lot of rigmarole about pictures, and books, and swear dreadfully; he went on so about girls squalling at pianos, and known to succeed, and, after burying it in the earth, to turn out gold. statuary, and such jimcrackery; that the new chum ought to have The experiment is not difficult to handle, if the spade is properly been ashamed of himself for exciting Papa so: and the Argus ought handled. Your spade should be ground, and if your ground be favor- to be ashamed of itself for encouraging such revolutionary innovaable you will have good ground to expect a successful result. The tions. I am sure, and Papa is sure, and we are all sure that things origin of the colored bottles in a chemist's window is somewhat doubtful; the most colorable suggestion is that the first chemist's shop was best spreads and invite the largest parties; which is as it ought to be. are very well as they are. Of course the richest people can give the kept by a man of color, and under color of adhering to precedent, his We dont want to know anything about music and the fine arts, and successors have stuck to their colors ever since. The dispensing de- such tiddy-doll stuff. Pa' made his money behind the bar, and, as partment of chemistry is conducted in a dispensary, which it is found he says, did very well all his life without education, and without impossible to dispense with, a fact which is considered a contradictory knowing anything about pictures, and books, and foreign cities, dispensation. An outline sketch of chemical science might be appro- and criticisms, and such like; and he is not going to begin to learn priately concluded with a classification of chemicals, but as many of them, such as Spanish liquorice, Turkey rhubarb, Prussian blue, and now or to turn his drawing room into a curiosity shop for anybody. French capers might be considered foreign to the subject we should Do, pray, Mr. Punch, stand by the old colonists and the cause of hardly feel at home in their treatment. supper-eaters, and write down the Argus, and oblige

suppers and

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Mr. A. B. C. D. E. F. G. Clarke has bought the whole tottle of the Gas Company,-clerks, engineers, and all for £2,550,000. He intends, so we are informed, to entirely remodel the works, so as to adapt them for the manufacture of the Electric Light which will be supplied to consumers at three farthings a pint in their own jugs.

The Yacht Club is making arrangements for a grand ball, to inaugurate the season. About five acres of the Bay will be roofed in with galvanised ice, and refreshments will be supplied from a floating scow, propelled by machinery, with gunpowder for the motive power. The surface of the water will be laid with Mackintosh cloth, and it is expected that the dancing waves will materially contribute to the amusement of the evening.

A gold-field, far surpassing in extent and richness any hitherto opened, has been found at South Geelong, half-a-mile from the Post Office.

A Ministry in posse has been formed, but modesty forbids our giving any detail of its composition, as we happen to hold rather an important position in it.

The Port Philip Farmers' Association has unanimously passed two new rules; one limiting the membership to Scotchmen, and the other confining the operations of the society to the Moonee Ponds.

The National Museum has been reinstated in its old quarters, in the Exhibition Building, where it is attended daily by thousands of delighted visitors. Mr. Blandowski is appointed to the custody of it with a salary of £5000 a-year for life. We may now fairly boast that we are setting an example to the old world in our appreciation of science.

The Age has laid down the rule that no person connected with its management will speak to, or hold any intercourse with any of the candidates for public suffrages. This is done that the paper may be free from all bias and its writers from all suspicion of place-hunting. The Opera season has been so successful that the manager is enabled to throw the house open gratis, by tickets issued to his patrons on

one night in each week. He has also sent to Europe half a million of money out of the profits of the present season, for the purpose of engaging all the available talent. A magnificient marble statue of the manager, by Canova, has been erected by public subscription in the entrance hall of the Theatre.

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