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The Sydney Chicken beating Wee Michie, Quibbling Bill, Jacky Tommy, and the Irish Giant.

September.

REMARKABLE EVENTS THIS MONTH. Intelligence of the peace arrived in Melbourne, and great consternation among the news boys, who passed some severe strictures on the conduct of the Emperor of Russia. Important meeting to improve the condition of "juvenile traders." The chairman explained that the newspaper boys were getting so prematurely sharp that they had cut all their acquaint ances, and stood in a condition of razor-edged mental isolation. Some of them might be recovered by a course of heavy beer and ponderous literature, but the Punch boys had arrived at such a state of chronic acuteness of intellect that he (the chairman) almost despaired of ever bringing them back to a healthy condition of social stolidity. A subscription was raised for these unfortunates, who were strongly recommended to read stupid books and indulge freely in indigestible food,-and this advice was attentively listened to, after the Riot Act had been read three times through a speaking trumpet.

Singlestick entertainment at the Theatre Royal. One stick between two, and the performer with the stick was pronounced to have made a great hit.

Rumor reached Melbourne of a possible war with Spain, and some speculation in Spanish liquorice occurred in consequence. Commercial farsightedness was also evidenced on a report obtaining of a difficulty with the United States, when several merchants, who had no ideas of their own, laid in a stock of Yankee notions.

The sea serpent was seen in Hobson's Bay by an American captain, who recognised his vertebrated protuberances (like a long string of sugar hogsheads), undulating on the water. The monster came close to the

bow of the ship, and was playfully champing the anchor chain, when the skipper discharged a congreve rocket straight into the animal's left eye. The novelty of the sensation appeared to startle the serpent, who made for the Heads immediately with the ship's cable hitched in his teeth, and the captain of the "Flying Hippopotamus" had to lose a beautiful Albert chain to prevent his vessel being towed out to sea.

Etymological Fact.

"Attic salt" was a fine table article in use among the Athenians, and derived its name from being kept in attics. The modern practice of keeping salt in cellars has quite superceded the use of attics.

ADVICE TO NEW CHUM SETTLERS.

The first thing to be done to your land is to fence it in with posts and rails. Second-hand rails of a good description may be obtained from the Melbourne and Hobson's Bay Company. Wooden rails are cheaper, and if carefully varnished will last some years. These latter are obtained by splitting, which at first will be found quite laborious and likely to induce a splitting headache. All information about the posts can be obtained at the post office. Bed posts look well, if nicely carved; but a plain article if carefully planed will answer every purpose. Posts must be and in strict conformity with the postal regulations. placed eight feet apart. This will be the regular interval of an octave,

BOARD AND LODGING.-A folding chess-board for your men.

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Public meeting by a grateful body of stonemasons who assembled to the number of six at the Shakspere Hotel, Market-square, to acknowledge the disinterested devotion of the Corporation of Melbourne, who, with the self-sacrificing object of giving employment to industriously disposed men, have expended thirty thousand pounds in the most nobleminded manner, in the construction of a series of walls in Market-square. Proposal to present the civic body with a "Mural Crown" was carried unanimously.

loom. The steam apparatus for mashing potatos not being complete, a appointments made, viz., an experienced draughtsman for drawing corks, quartz-crusher was employed as a temporary expedient. The first official and a sergeant of marines to take care of the empty bottles.

CONCESSION TO SQUATTERS.

The vulgar appellation of " squatter" has long been complained of by this useful class of people. It is now proposed that every man who oc

A new chum was fined forty shillings for walking on the grass in Fitz-cupies a station shall be called a stationer. roy-square, without taking off his shoes.

German newspaper published in Melbourne. Introductory address in words of twenty-four syllables. The first leading article on improvements in the manufacture of German sausages, with perspective views and colored diagrams, was very much admired by all who read it.

Great additions made to the Melbourne Library this month. A complete series of the Argus and Herald from the conmencement; new editions carefully revised by the editors, proof impressions of every engraving, and an index to the jokes. Bradshaw's Guide, in illuminated vellum, gilt edges. The History of China, showing the progressive improvements in its manufacture; and a new work on Australian antiquities, from the time of Julius Cæsar.

Opening of the Victorian Club. The first brick of the kitchen chimney was laid only six weeks previously, in the presence of one boy, the ceremony being strictly private. The trowel used on the occasion is still in the possession of the bricklayer, who regards it as an interesting heir

DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

In a house where there are many small children an assortment of bread and butter will be usually found to be littering about the stairs, and variously scattered up and down the establishment. If these frag ments are collected, an excellent pudding may be obtained from the dition of a dozen carraway seeds and a few drops of treacle will be an week's accumulation, and may be eaten either boiled or baked. The adimprovement, but will make it somewhat expensive.

NEW BOOK FOR CHILDREN.-Cook's Voyages, or Soyer's Excursions in the Black Sea. MEMORANDUM.-Russia duck trousers may, with great propriety, be designated Muscovy ducks.

ELOCUTIONARY EXERCISES FOR M.L.A.'s.-Spell Woolloomooloo with a hot potato in your mouth.

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REMARKABLE EVENTS THIS MONTH.

November.

Two small boys apprehended for bush-ranging, having committed frightful depredations among some gooseberry bushes at Brighton. One lad was sentenced to solitary confinement for half an hour, and the other, on pleading that he only took the hairy gooseberries to make his beard grow, was discharged with a caution, and a stomach-ache.

Contract taken for watering the public streets, according to plans and specifications, &c. Two watering-pots to be kept exclusively for this purpose. The water to be applied in the proportion of half-a-pint to the square yard, and may be used either hot or cold. Any inadvertent excess of moisture in particular spots to be immediately removed with blotting paper. Another contract for sweeping the prinicipal public footways, finding the brushes, dustpan, tea leaves, and everything required, was let to a charwoman for three years. At the expiration of this period it is expected that China matting will be used for the pavement, and cocoa-nut fibre material for the roadway, thus abolishing the dust nui.sance altogether.

The Houses of Parliament opened in a somewhat unfinished condition, the bar of the house not being nearly complete, owing to a disappoint ment about the beer engine. Grand procession of legislators headed by a German band. Considerable disturbance in the house, and a great deal of swearing. Members went to business immediately, and voted a pound sterling for the purchase of soap and towels, and placed thirty shillings more on the estimates for an umbrella stand. First meetings prolonged to a late hour, a practice strongly objected to by several hon. members, who had wives and families and season tickets for Cremorne. Benevolent Bazaar at the Exhibition Building. A great display of

Ornamental goods and jewellery were difficult to dispose of; brass watch keys not realising more than half-a-crown each, and a copper watch, with moveable hands, well adapted to assist an infant in cutting its teeth, went as low as fifteen shillings. Wax flowers sold well, and a thistle, in a glass case, passed into the possession of a Scotchman in exchange for a ten pound note. Radiant ladies flitted ethereally played all they knew, and the spirit of charity did mightily prevail. through fairy realms of pink calico and green stuff; the German band

ADVICE TO GARDENERS.

Black soil is the best for gardening purposes, but it must be properly drained, or else in damp weather your black soil will be covered with blue mould.

PENNY-A-LINER.

A man who lives by his pen gradually assumes a pensive appear. ance, and in time acquires a certain amount of penny wisdom, not necessarily connected with pound folly.

Vast multitude of Chinese arrived in Melbourne, and not a single rat observed to venture out till after dark.

famed throughout the world for its capital Candy.
SWEET SPOT.-Ceylon is a fine place for flies and schoolboys, being

WANTED, Fifty intelligent, active, young Bedouins, on fast ALMANACK." 019 jan 17 alt d and wk

fancy benevolence, and eminent success in amateur storekeeping. W dromedaries, to supply country subscribers with "PUNCH'S Nothing but really useful articles exposed for sale. Babies' shoes at a guinea a pair; gentlemen's Wellingtons would have brought five pounds.

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Ice in Hobson's Bay two feet thick. Sample brought to Melbourne by Cobb and Co.

Electric telegraph opened to Ballaarat, for messages only, the arrangements for the transmission of parcels not being perfected. Experiments tried with a parcel of jokes, which being of country manufacture were much too heavy for the wires. The superintendent at Ballaarat and commissioner of trade in Melbourne had some words on the subject, and the latter was very distant in his remarks. Memorial from the Ballaarat washerwomen requesting permission to employ the telegraph wire as a clothes line.

Arrival of Sir Henry Barkley in the Oneida. Invited to tea by the Mayor of Williamstown. Imposing ceremony at the Government House. Grand salute of seveteen double-barrelled guns. Refreshments provided at moderate charges by juvenile purveyors of pork pies and oranges. Everything went off remarkably well, especially the guns. Several new arrivals, who had been observed by the police wandering about without having any apparent fixed object in view, were very properly apprehended under the Vagrancy Act." His Excellency very kindly permitted his portrait to be taken, and concurred with the suggestion that he would look better with his hair cut. His Excellency expressed no objection to try his "height and weight" by the sixpenny apparatus, but the proprietor could not be found. His Excellency is understood to have commenced business with great promptitude, to have given General Macarthur a week's triendly notice at Toorak, and proposed to take his tea and sugar at a valuation. His Excellency is also stated to have assured G. M. that there would always be a knife and fork, and a "shake down," or an umbrella to go home with, whenever his Excellency

felt disposed to take pot luck with him. Sir Henry will (it is believed) kindly permit Monsieur Sohier to examine his phrenological developments at an early opportunity.

The gentleman who took leave of his senses at the Benevolent Bazaar last month is now out of confinement. The elderly individual who sat upon a corkscrew, when returning from Pic-nic Point on Christmas Day, was doing as well as can be expected. Changeable weather at the close of this month, perhaps the most remarkable event of the year.

Places of Amusement in Melbourne.

THEATRE ROYAL, BOURKE-STREET.-Operas and acrobats. COPPIN'S OLYMPIC.-Conjuring, panoramas, and other Olympic games. RIFLE GALLERY.-Excellent method of rifleing your pockets. CREMORNE GARDENS.-Ornithological museum, missionary meetings and fireworks.

HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT.-Various entertainments.

PUNCH OFFICE.-On view every day, except Sunday, as soon as the shutters are taken down.

FITZROY-SQUARE.-Open during the Christmas holidays for flying kites and marbles.

CARLTON GARDENS.-Public admitted free every day from twelve till

two.

SOHIER'S MUSEUM.-Sculpture, paintings, and pickled brains. STUDLEY PARK.-Open constantly, admission twopence, if you go by the ferry.

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