ORGAN GRINDING.*

A SALUTATORY.

AVING assumed the entire editorial control of this

HAVI

great journal, upon the very threshold of the undertaking, I wish to say that I have the most implicit confidence in my ability to perform properly the duties that must necessarily devolve upon me.

I have reached that age of life when a man may be considered as in his prime, and I hope to be able from the start to deal to the patrons of this journal ripe instead of green fruit. I have in my past life written a very great deal; I have also in my past life thought about a great many things, and this fact in connection with the still more important fact that I have for over thirty years kept a scrap-book wherein I have pasted thousands upon thousands of newspaper clippings, will enable me to prepare from time to time, as may be needed, for the benefit of my readers, an unlimited quantity of valuable matter thus stored up ready to be used.

Like the waters of the upper tributaries of the Mississippi River, held in reserve by the Winnibigoshish dam, to be drawn on whenever needed, so these mental reservoirs of mine, in connection with the scrap-book aforesaid, stand always full and ready to supply any

*No. 1, Vol. I., Hardscrabble Gazette.

産

lack of wisdom which may from time to time show itself in the arid regions below that depend upon the upper country for mental irrigation.

Of course I cannot be expected to show up to the best advantage in this my first number. There has been too many things pressing upon me demanding immediate attention, such as securing a boarding place and getting settled generally, to permit me to exhibit in this issue even a fair average of the ability to which I feel myself certainly possessed. I am fully aware of how much is expected of me in the struggle now going on between the people and Giant Monopoly, and I shall try very hard not to disappoint this reasonable expectation.

That the great reforms I shall advocate will eventually succeed I firmly believe, but it needs no argument to convince a thinking man that said victory will be greatly hastened by extending promptly the circulation of this paper. Every subscriber will from the nature of things be thoroughly posted as to what is wanted and be taught how to get it.

It is of course impossible for any editor to foretell accurately and precisely the very day when success may be looked for. It will be advisable, however, for all who are in sympathy with this movement to have their political ascension robes ready made, as there may not be time to prepare them after the Millennium bell rings. When that happy hour arrives of course the most glory and emoluments will be necessarily conferred upon those longest in the service. Hence it behooves

all our friends to press to the front, join us early, and be as loud-mouthed and useful in offering advice, as possible.

When that gladsome day arrives, that day when rewards will be distributed to the leaders in our movement, I am of the opinion that a very close scrutiny will not be made to determine secret motives. It is advisable this should be so. Men of all sorts can with this understanding of possible possibilities, or I might say probabilities, join us without fearing, if they do so, that their real motives and intentions will be unveiled on that day when as victors we become the rulers of the world. This principle is cosmopolitan and progressive and is a guarantee of success. Everybody who joins us and helps us win will be paid a full equivalent for what he does, no matter how incongruous may seem his alliance with us.

We do not propose to push a meddlesome nose into the past record of anyone who sees fit to join our party. So that their shouting is in harmony with our own and their professions unmistakably in favor of the reforms we advocate, no troublesome questions will be asked. In rescuing the Holy Sepulcher from the clutches of the Infidel, the Crusaders were not, as I read history, squeamish about the morals, manners or honesty even of their followers. So with us in our Crusade against wrong. We welcome to our ranks everybody. Priest, poet, lawyer, knave, politician, scamp, fool, scholar, liar,-all and each are welcome, all have a niche to fill. In this battle which we wage with giants all will find

plenty to do and the fighting capacity of each one will be quadrupled by this condition of enlistment, to wit, that the date of his enrollment in our ranks is the date to each one of a new moral and political birth.

Over all that has gone before in each one's history, life and conduct, we spread at enlistment, the grateful mantle of oblivion. Hence the marvelous increase of our organization. It is perfectly astonishing, under such wise conditions, how many true reformers can be got together, and be found willing to be mustered in.

Nor do we dwarf our possibilities of performance by confining our efforts to any particular reform. On the contrary we insist only on an affirmative answer to this one, grand, comprehensive question: "Are you in favor of what is right and opposed to what is wrong?" Any one, no matter what may have been his past life, no matter how much his daily individual practice may seem to run counter to his profession, if he fearlessly and solemnly pledges himself to be loyal to this one grand principle, he at once becomes one of us.

Thus the Hon. Slipp Weazelskin has been recently exalted. He is to-day occupying the very front pew in our new Tabernacle of Reform. His discreditable personality is completely submerged beneath the waves raised by his own persistent splashing in the waters of Philanthropy. His present noise drowns every echo of his past achievement. His lip service to Right is so very entertaining and earnest that no one who hears him ever thinks of holding him responsible for his treason to that goddess in the practice of his daily life.

The absurdity of a man without any morals, so to speak, of his own, urging and exhorting other people to secure some as a valuable acquisition, is not manifest to the average voter.

In fact, Weazelskin seems to have a stronger grip than any one else on the public mind, notwithstanding, and may be because of his dishonesty. His failings seem to touch the popular heart. He is very eloquent and hits Wrong tremendous blows with (and a smart blow by most people is considered a good thing) his mouth. At the last election it was very fairly illustrated how strong among men is our platform. Nearly every candidate stood on it square. In fact we cannot recall one who did not say to his constituents that he was in favor unqualifiedly of Right.

Notwithstanding this, many Candidates were beaten, but we are satisfied that the reason why this was so, was not because of any defect in the platform, but because political matters are as yet in such a transition state that possibly voters unenlightened and unreasonable may have believed that some of the candidates lied. Weazelskin however pulled through. There was no resisting his flattery. There could be no question as to his being a first-class stalwart leader in the matter of advocating the greatest good for the greatest number. He was very, very shrewd in making practical application of our platform to every sort and kind of hobby ridden by voters. His speeches were like the switching engines used in railway yards that can be