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'Your obliged humble servant,
'Oxford, March 21.'
is not one of their grievances of this sort, but per-every body's business to speak for themselves." haps, in some ages of the world, has been highly Mr. President immediately retorted, "A handin vogue, and may be so again; nay, in some some fellow! why he is a wit, sir, and you know country or other, ten to one is so at this day. My the proverb;" and to ease the old gentleman of Lady Ample is the most miserable woman in the his scruples, cried, "That for matter of merit it world, purely of her own making. She even grudges was all one, you might wear a mask." This threw herself meat and drink, for fear she should thrive him into a pause, and he looked desirous of three by them; and is constantly crying out, In a days to consider of it; but Mr. President improved quarter of a year more I shall be quite out of all the thought, and followed him up with an old story. manner of shape! Now the lady's misfortune "That wits were privileged to wear what masks scems to be only this, that she is planted in a they pleased in all ages; and that a vizard had wrong soil; for go but to the other side of the been the constant crown of their labours, which water, it is a jest at Haerlem to talk of a shape was generally presented them by the hand of some under eighteen stone. These wise traders regulate satyr, and sometimes of Apollo himself;" for the their beauties as they do their butter, by the truth of which he appealed to the frontispiece of pound; and Miss Cross, when she first arrived in several books, and particularly to the English Juthe Low Countries, was not computed to be so venal, to which he referred him; and only added, handsome as Madam Van Brisket, by near half a "That such authors were the Larvati or Larva ton. On the other hand, there is 'Squire Lath, a donati of the ancients." This cleared up all, and proper gentleman of fifteen hundred pound per in the conclusion you were chose probationer; annum, as well as of an unblamable life and con- and Mr. President put round your health as such, versation: yet would not I be the esquire for half protesting, "That though indeed he talked of a his estate; for if it was as much more, he would vizard, he did not believe all the while you had freely part with it all for a pair of legs to his mind. any more occasion for it than the cat-a-mountain;" Whereas in the reign of our first Edward of glo- so that all you have to do now is to pay your fees, rious memory, nothing more modish than a brace which are here very reasonable, if you are not imof your fine taper supporters; and his majesty, posed upon; and you may style yourself Informis without an inch of calf, managed affairs in peace Societatis Socius: which I am desired to acquaint or war as laudably as the bravest and most politic you with; and upon the same I beg you to accept of his ancestors; and was as terrible to his neigh- of the congratulation of, bours under the royal name of Longshanks, as Cœur de Lion to the Saracens before him. If we look further back into history, we shall find that Alexander the Great wore his head a little over the left shoulder, and then not a soul stirred out till he had adjusted his neck-bone; the whole nobility addressed the prince and each other obliquely, and all matters of importance were concerted and carried on in the Macedonian court with their polls on one side. For about the first century nothing made more noise in the world than Roman noses, and then not a word of them till they revived again in eighty-eight. Nor is it so very long since Richard the Third set up half the backs of the nation; and high shoulders, as well as high noses, were the top of the fashion. But to come to ourselves, gentlemen, though I find by my quinquennial observations, that we shall never get ladies enough to make a party in our own country, yet might we meet with better success among some of our allies. And what think you if our board A FRIEND of mine has two daughters, whom I will sat for a Dutch piece? Truly I am of opinion, call Lætitia and Daphne; the former is one of the that as odd as we appear in flesh and blood, we greatest beauties of the age in which she lives, the should be no such strange things in mezzo-tinto. latter no way remarkable for any charms in her But this project may rest till our number is com- person. Upon this one circumstance of their outplete; and this being our election night, give me ward form, the good and ill of their life seems to leave to propose Mr. Spectator. You see his turn. Lætitia has not, from her very childhood, inclinations, and perhaps we may not have his heard any thing else but commendations of her fellow." features and complexion, by which means she is 'I found most of them (as is usual in all such no other than nature made her, a very beautiful cases) were prepared; but one of the seniors outside. The consciousness of her charms has ren(whom by the by Mr. President had taken all dered her insupportably vain and insolent towards this pains to bring over) sat still, and cocking his all who have to do with her. Daphne, who was alchin, which seemed only to be levelled at his nose, most twenty before one single thing had ever been very gravely declared, "That in case he had had said to her, found herself obliged to acquire some sufficient knowledge of you, no man should have accomplishments to make up for the want of those been more willing to have served you; but that attractions which she saw in her sister. Poor he, for his part, had always had regard to his own Daphne was seldom submitted to in a debate nscience, as well as other people's merit; and wherein she was concerned; her discourse had no did not know but that you might be a handsome thing to recommend it but the good sense of it, haw; for as for your own certificate, it was and she was always under a necessity to have very yden, we are told, in the plates to his translation of Viruttered it: while Lætitia was listened to with par well considered what she was to say before she drew neas always represented with a Roman nose, in comto King William. tiality, and approbation sat in the countenances of
No 33. SATURDAY, APRIL 7, 1711.
Fervidus tecum puur,et solutis
HOR. 1 OJ. xxx. 5.
those she conversed with, before she communicated learning and sense, after eight years what she had to say. These causes have produced university, and a course of travels into suitable effects, and Lætitia is as insipid a com- tries of Europe, owe the first raising of . panion as Daphne is an agreeable one. Lætitia, tunes to a cosmetic wash. confident of favour, has studied no arts to please; Daphne, despairing of any inclination towards her universal a disposition in womankind, which springs This has given me occasion to consider how person, has depended only on her merit, Lætitia from a laudable motive, the desire of pleasing, and has always something in her air that is sullen, grave, proceeds upon an opinion, not altogether groundand disconsolate. Daphne has a countenance that less, that nature may be helped by art, may be appears cheerful, open, and unconcerned. A young turned to their advantage. gentleman saw Lætitia this winter at a play, and would be an acceptable service to take them out And, methinks, it became her captive. His fortune was such, that of the hands of quacks and pretenders, and to prehe wanted very little introduction to speak his vent their imposing upon themselves, by discoversentiments to her father. The lover was admitted ing to them the true secret and art of improving with the utmost freedom into the family, where a beauty. constrained behaviour, severe looks, and distant civilities, were the highest favours he could obtain it will be necessary to lay down a few preliminary In order to this, before I touch upon it directly, of Latitia; while Daphne used him with the good maxims, viz. bamour, familiarity, and innocence of a sister: in
That pride destroys all symmetry and grace,
somuch that he would often say to her, Dear of features alone, any more than she can be witty That no woman can be handsome by the force Daphne, wert thou but as handsome as Lætitia-only by the help of speech. She received such language with that ingenuous and pleasing mirth, which is natural to woman and affectation is a more terrible enemy to fine without design. He still sighed in vain for Lætitia, faces than the small-pox. but found certain relief in the agreeable conversation of Daphne. At length, heartily tired with the haughty impertinence of Lætitia, and charmed with the repeated instances of good-humour he had observed in Daphne, he one day told the latter, that he had something to say to her he hoped she will be easy to prove, that the true art of assisting 'From these few principles, thus laid down, it would be pleased with--Faith, Daphne,' con- beauty consists in embellishing the whole person tinued he, 'I am in love with thee, and despise by the proper ornaments of virtuous and comthy sister sincerely.' The manner of his declaring mendable qualities. By this help alone it is, that himself gave his mistress occasion for a very hearty those who are the favourite work of nature, or, as laughter. Nay,' says he, I knew you would Mr. Dryden expresses it, the porcelain clay of hulaugh at me, but I will ask your father.' He did mankind, become animated, and are in a capacity 50; the father received his intelligence with no of exerting their charms: and those who seem to less joy than surprise, and was very glad he had be neglected by her, like models wrought in haste, how no care left but for his beauty, which he are capable in a great measure of finishing what thought he could carry to market at his leisure. I she has left imperfect. do not know any thing that has pleased me so much a great while as this conquest of my friend that sex, which was created to refine the joys and It is, methinks, a low and degrading idea of Daphne's. All her acquaintance congratulated her soften the cares of humanity, by the most agree upon her chance-medley, and laugh at that preme-able participation, to consider them merely as obditating murderer her sister. As it is an argument jects of sight. This is abridging them of their natuof a light mind, to think the worse of ourselves for ral extent of power, to put them upon a level with the imperfections of our person, it is equally below their pictures at Kneller's. How much nobler is us to value ourselves upon the advantages of them. the contemplation of beauty, heightened by virtue, The female world seem to be almost incorrigibly and commanding our esteem and love, while it gone astray in this particular; for which reason I draws our observation! How faint and spiritless shall recommend the following extract out of a are the charms of a coquette, when compared with friend's letter to the professed beauties, who are the real loveliness of Sophronia's innocence, piety, people almost as insufferable as the professed good-humour, and truth; virtues which add a new 'MONSIEUR St. Evremond has concluded one of softness to her sex, and even beautify her beauty! s essays with affirming, that the last sighs of a That agreeableness which must otherwise have handsome woman are not so much for the loss of preserved in the tender mother, the prudent appeared no longer in the modest virgin, is now her life, as of her beauty. Perhaps this raillery is pursued too far, yet it is turned upon a very ob-not affect the heart; and she who takes no care to friend, and the faithful wife. rous remark, that woman's strongest passion is for Colours artfully spread upon canvass may entertain the eye, but own beauty, and that she values it as her fa. add to the natural graces of her person any excelFourite distinction. From hence it is that all arts, which pretend to improve it or preserve it, meet lent qualities, may be allowed still to amuse as a nothing of many false helps and contraband wares with so general a reception among the sex. To saying Eve in Paradise, and relating to the angel the picture, but not to triumph as a beauty. 'When Adam is introduced by Milton, describof beauty, which are daily vended in this great creation, he does not represent her like a Grecian , there is not a maiden gentlewoman of a good Venus, by her shape or features, but by the lustre impressions he felt upon seeing her at her first family, in any country of South Britain, who has of her mind which shone in them, and gave them not heard of the virtues of May-dew, or is unfur-their power of charming:
who is not incapable of being false.
nished with some receipt or other in favour of her
and I have known a physician of
Hughes. See another letter of his on the same subject, No. 53.
"Grace was in all her steps, heav'n in her eye,
Without this irradiating power, the proudist
air one ought to know, whatever her glass may itell her to the contrary, that her most perfect features are uninformed and dead.
his whole reign. He then showed by the examples of Horace, Juvenal, Boileau, and the best writers of every age, that the follies of the stage and court had never been accounted too sacred for ri.
'I cannot better close this moral, than by a short epitaph written by Ben Jonson, with a spirit which | dicule, how great soever the persons might be that nothing could inspire but such an object as I have been describing:
patronized them. But after all,' says he, 'I think your raillery has made too great an excursion, in attacking several persons of the inns of court; and I do not believe you can show me any precedent for your behaviour in that particular.'
My good friend Sir Roger de Coverley, who had said nothing all this while, began his speech with a Pish! and told us, that he wondered to see so many men of sense so very serious upon fooleries. Let our good friend,' says he, attack every one that deserves it: I would only advise you, Mr. Spectator, applying himself to me, to take care how you meddle with country squires. They are the ornaments of the English nation; men of good heads and sound bodies! and let me tell you, some of them take it ill of you, that you mention foxhunters with so little respect.'
Captain Sentry spoke very sparingly on this occasion. What he said was only to commend my prudence in not touching upon the army, and advised me to continue to act discreetly in that point.
THE club of which I am a member, is very luckily composed of such persons as are engaged in differ- By this time I found every subject of my specu ent ways of life, and deputed as it were out of the lations was taken away from me, by one or other most conspicuous classes of mankind. By this of the club; and began to think myself in the conmeans I am furnished with the greatest variety of dition of the good man that had one wife who took hints and materials, and know every thing that a dislike to his grey hairs, and another to his black, passes in the different quarters and divisions, not till by their picking out what each of them had an only of this great city, but of the whole kingdom. aversion to, they left his head altogether bald and My readers too have the satisfaction to find, that naked. there is no rank or degree among them who have not their representative in this club, and that there is always somebody present who will take care of their respective interests, that nothing may be written or published to the prejudice or infringe. ment of their just rights and privileges,
While I was thus musing with myself, my wor thy friend the Clergyman, who, very luckily for me, was at the club that night, undertook my cause. He told us, that he wondered any order of persons should think themselves too considerable to be advised. That it was not quality, but innoI last night sat very late in company with this cence, which exempted men from reproof. That select body of friends, who entertained me with vice and folly ought to be attacked wherever they several remarks which they and others had made could be met with, and especially when they were. upon these my speculations, as also with the various placed in high and conspicuous stations of life. success which they had met with among their seve-He further added, that my paper would only serve ral ranks and degrees of readers. Will Honey-to aggravate the pains of poverty, if it chiefly excomb told me, in the softest manner he could, that posed those who are already depressed, and in there were some ladies (but for your comfort, says some measure turned into ridicule, by the meanness Will, they are not those of the most wit) that were of their conditions and circumstances offended at the liberties I had taken with the wards proceeded to take notice of the great use opera and the puppet-show; that some of them this paper might be of to the public, by reprewere likewise very much surprised that I should hending those vices which are too trivial for the think such serious points as the dress and equipage chastisement of the law, and too fantastical for the of persons of quality, proper subjects for raillery. cognizance of the pulpit. He then advised me to He was going on, when Sir Andrew Freeport prosecute my undertaking with cheerfulness, and took him up short, and told him, that the papers assured me, that, whoever might be displeased he hinted at, had done great good in the city, and with me, I should be approved by all those whose that all their wives and daughters were the better praises do honour to persons on whom they are for them; and further added, that the whole city bestowed. thought themselves very much obliged to me for declaring my generous intentions to scourge vice and folly as they appear in a multitude, without condescending to be a publisher of particular intrigues and cuckoldoms. In short,' says Sir Andrew, if you avoid that foolish beaten road of falling upon aldermen and citizens, and employ your pen upon the vanity and luxury of courts, your paper must needs be of general use.'
The whole club pays a particular deference to the discourse of this gentleman, and are drawn into what he says, as much by the candid ingenuous manner with which he delivers himself, as by the strength of argument and force of reason which he makes use of Will Honeycomb immediately agreed, that what he had said was right; and that, for his part, he would not insist upon the quarter which he had demanded for the ladies. Sir AnUpon this my friend the Templar told Sir An- drew gave up the city with the same frankness. drew, that he wondered to hear a man of his sense The Templar would not stand out, and was fol alk after that manner; that the city had always lowed by Sir Roger and the Captain: who all en the province for satire; and that the wits of agreed that I should be at liberty to carry the war Ang Charles's time jested upon nothing else during into what quarter I pleased; provided I continued
to combat with criminals in a body, and to assault represents an empty rake, in one of his plays, as
It is indeed much easier to describe what is not Having thus taken my resolutions to march on humour, than what is; and very difficult to define boldly in the cause of virtue and good sense, and it otherwise than as Cowley has done wit, by neto annoy their adversaries in whatever degree gatives. Were I to give my own notions of it, I or rank of men they may be found; I shall be would deliver them after Plato's manner, in a deaf for the future to all the remonstrances that kind of allegory, and by supposing Humour to be a shall be made to me on this account. If Punch person, deduce to him all his qualifications, acgrows extravagant, I shall reprimand him very cording to the following genealogy. Truth was freely. If the stage becomes a nursery of folly the founder of the family, and the father of Good and impertinence, I shall not be afraid to animad- Sense. Good Sense was the father of Wit, who vert upon it. In short, if I meet with any thing married a lady of collateral line called Mirth, by in city, court, or country, that shocks modesty or whom he had issue Humour. Humour therefore good manners, I shall use my utmost endeavours being the youngest of this illustrious family, and to make an example of it. I must, however, in- descended from parents of such different dispositreat every particular person, who does me the tions, is very various and unequal in his temper; honour to be a reader of this paper, never to think sometimes you see him putting on grave looks and himself, or any one of his friends or enemies, aim- a solemn habit, sometimes airy in his behaviour ed at in what is said: for I promise him, never to and fantastic in his dress; insomuch that at difdraw a faulty character which does not fit at least ferent times he appears as serious as a judge, and a thousand people; or to publish a single paper, as jocular as a merry andrew. But as he has a that is not written in the spirit of benevolence, great deal of the mother in his constitution, whatand with a love to mankind. ever mode he is in, he never fails to make his company laugh.
No 35. TUESDAY, APRIL 10, 1711.
Risu inepto res ineptior nulla est.
Nothing so foolish as the laugh of fools.
But since there is an impostor abroad, who takes upon him the name of this young gentleman, and would willingly pass for him in the world; to the end that well-meaning persons may not be imposed upon by cheats, I would desire my readers, when they meet with this pretender, to look into his parentage, and to examine him strictly, whether or no he be remotely allied to Truth, and lineally deANONG all kinds of writing there is none in which scended from Good Sense; if not, they may conauthors are more apt to miscarry than in works of clude him a counterfeit. They may likewise dishumour, as there are none in which they are more tinguish him by a loud and excessive laughter, in ambitious to excel. It is not an imagination that which he seldom gets his company to join with teems with monsters, an head that is filled with him. For as True Humour generally looks seriextravagant conceptions, which is capable of fur-ous, while every body laughs about him; False nishing the world with diversions of this nature; Humour is always laughing, whilst every body and yet, if we look into the productions of several about him looks serious. I shall only add, if he writers, who set up for men of humour, what wild has not in him a mixture of both parents, that is, irregular fancies, what unnatural distortions of if he would pass for the offspring of Wit without thought do we meet with? If they speak nonsense, Mirth, or Mirth without Wit, you may conclude they believe they are talking humour; and when him to be altogether spurious and a cheat. they have drawn together a scheme of absurd, in- The impostor of whom I am speaking, descends consistent ideas, they are not able to read it over originally from Falsehood, who was the mother of to themselves without laughing. These poor gen-Nonsense, who was brought to bed of a son called tlemen endeavour to gain themselves the reputa- Frenzy, who married one of the daughters of tion of wits and humourists, by such monstrous Folly, commonly known by the name of Laughconceits as almost qualify them for Bedlam; not ter, on whom he begot that monstrous infant of considering that humour should always lie under which I have here been speaking. I shall set down the check of reason, and that it requires the direc- at length the genealogical table of False Humour, on of the nicest judgment, by so much the more and, at the same time, place under it the genealogy as it indulges itself in the most boundless freedoms. of True Humour, that the reader may at one view There is a kind of nature that is to be observed in behold their different pedigrees and relations. this sort of compositions, as well as in all other; and a certain regularity of thought which must discover the writer to be a man of sense, at the same time that he appears altogether given up to caprice. For my part, when I read the delirious mirth of an unskilful author, I cannot be so barbarous as to divert myself with it, but am rather apt to pity the man, than laugh at any thing he
The deceased Mr. Shadwell, who bad himself a great deal of the talent which I am treating of
First of all, He is exceedingly given to little apish tricks and buffooneries.
Secondly, He so much delights in mimicry, that it is all one to him whether he exposes by it vice and folly, luxury and avarice; or, on the contrary, virtue and wisdom, pain and poverty.
I might extend the allegory, by mentioning seve-portunity to part with every thing which does not ral of the children of False Humour, who are more contribute to the representation of human life; and in number than the sands of the sea, and might in shall make a free gift of all animated utensils to particular enumerate the many sons and daughters your projector. The hangings you formerly menwhich he has begot in this island. But as this tioned are run away; as are likewise a set of would be a very invidious task, I shall only ob- chairs, each of which was met upon two legs going serve in general, that False Humour differs from through the Rose Tavern at two this morning. We the True, as a monkey does from a man. hope, sir, you will give proper notice to the town that we are endeavouring at these regulations; and that we intend for the future to show no monsters, but men who are converted into such by their own industry and affectation. If you will please to be at the house to night, you will see me do my endeavour to show some unnatural appearances which are in vogue among the polite and well-bred. I am to present, in the character of a fine lady taken for graces in mien and gesture. This, sir, is a specimen of the method we shall take to expose the monsters which come within the notice of a regular theatre; and we desire nothing more gross may be admitted by you Spectators for the future. We have cashiered three companies of theatrical guards, and design our kings shall for the future make love, and sit in council, without an army; and wait only your direction, whether you will have I have here only pointed at the whole species of them reinforce King Porus, or join the troops of false humourists; but as one of my principal de- Macedon. Mr. Penkethman resolves to consult his signs in this paper is to beat down that malignant pantheon of heathen gods in opposition to the ora spirit which discovers itself in the writings of the cle of Delphos, and doubts not but he shall turn the present age, I shall not scruple, for the future, to fortune of Porus, when he personates him. I am single out any of the small wits, that infest the world desired by the company to inform you, that they with such compositions as are ill-natured, immoral, submit to your censures; and shall have you in and absurd. This is the only exception which I greater veneration than Hercules was of old, if shall make to the general rule I have prescribed you can drive monsters from the theatre; and think myself, of attacking multitudes, since every ho- your merit will be as much greater than his, as to nest man ought to look upon himself as in a natu- convince is more than to conquer. ral state of war with the libeller and lampooner, and to annoy them wherever they fall in his way. This is but retaliating upon them, and treating them as they treat others.
Thirdly, He is wonderfully unlucky, insomuch that he will bite the hand that feeds him, and endeavour to ridicule both friends and foes indiffer-dancing, all the distortions which are frequently ently. For having but small talents he must be merry where he can, not where he should. Fourthly, Being entirely void of reason, he pursues no point either of morality or instruction, but is ludicrous only for the sake of being so.
Fitualy, Being incapable of having any thing but mock representations, his ridicule is always personal, and aimed at the vicious man, or the writer; not at the vice, or the writing.
'I am, SIR, 'Your most obedient servant, 'T. D.'
WHEN I acquaint you with the great and unexpected vicissitudes of my fortune, I doubt not but I shall obtain your pity and favour. I have for many years past been Thunderer to the playhouse; and have not only made as much noise out of the clouds as any predecessor of mine in the theatre that ever bore that character, but also have descended and spoke on the stage as the bold Thunder in The Rehearsal. When they got me down thus low, they thought fit to degrade me further, and make me a ghost. I was contented with this for these two last winters; but they carry their tyranny still further, and not satisfied that I am banished from above ground, they have given me to understand that I am wholly to depart their dominions, and taken from me even my subterraneous employment. Now, sir, what I desire of you is, that if your undertaker thinks fit to use fire-arms (as other authors have done) in the time of Alexander, I may be a cannon against Porus, or else provide for me in the burning of Persepo lis, or what other method you shall think fit.
'SALMONEUS OF COVENT-GARDEN.'
'Drury Lane, April the 9th. UPON reading the project which is set forth in one of your late papers,* of making an alliance between all the bulls, bears, elephants, and lions, which are separately exposed to public view in the cities of London and Westminster; together with the other wonders, shows, and monsters, whereof you made respective mention in the said speculation; The petition of all the Devils of the playhouse we, the chief actors of this playhouse, met and in behalf of themselves and families, setting forth sat upon the said design. It is with great delight their expulsion from thence, with certificates of that we expect the execution of this work; and in their good life and conversation, and praying reorder to contribute to it, we have given warning to lief. all our ghosts to get their livelihoods where they The merit of this petition referred to Mr. Chr. can, and not to appear among us after day-break of Rich, who made them devils. the 16th instant. We are resolved to take this op.
• See No. 31.
See Tat. Nos, 42 and 99.