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m. As onstant
15. as f
his watch a considerable way into the Thames, and and character of Moll Hinton. My appearance with great sedateness in his looks put up the peb- before him just put him in mind of me, without ble, he had before found, in his fob As I have making him reflect that I was actually present. naturally an aversion to much speaking, and do So that keeping his eyes full upon me, to the great not love to be the messenger of ill news, espe-surprise of his audience, he broke off his first hacially when it comes too late to be useful, I left him rangue, and proceeded thus: Why now there's to be convinced of his mistake in due time, and my friend (mentioning me by my name,) he is a continued my walk, reflecting on these little fellow that thinks a great deal, but never opens absences and distractions in mankind, and resolving his mouth; I warrant you he is now thrusting his to make them the subject of a future speculation. short face into some coffee-house about 'Change. I was the more confirmed in my design, when II was his bail in the time of the Popish plot, when considered that they were very often blemishes he was taken up for a Jesuit.' If he had looked in the characters of men of excellent sense; and on me a little longer, he had certainly described helped to keep up the reputation of that Latin me so particularly, without ever considering what proverb, which Mr. Dryden has translated in the led him into it, that the whole company must nefollowing lines: carily have found me out; for which reason, remembering the old proverb, 'Out of sight out of mind,' I left the room; and upon meeting him an hour afterwards, was asked by him, with a great deal of good humour, in what part of the world I
Great wit to madness sure is near allay'd,
My reader does, I hope, perceive, that I distin-lived, that he had not seen me these three days. tinguish a man who is absent, because he thinks of something else, from one who is absent, because an absent man with a great deal of humour, which Monsieur Bruyere has given us the character of he thinks of nothing at all. The latter is too inno- he has pushed to an agreeable extravagance; with cent a creature to be taken notice of; but the dis- the heads of it I shall conclude my present paper. tractions of the former may, I believe, be generally accounted for from one of these reasons. Menalcas (says that excellent author) comes Either their minds are wholly fixed on some par- shuts it again, because he perceives that he has his down in a morning, opens his door to go out, but ticular science, which is often the case of mathe-night-cap on; and examining himself further, finds maticians and other learned men; or are wholly that he is but half shaved, that he has stuck his taken up with some violent passion, such as anger, sword on his right side, that his stockings are about fear, or love, which ties the mind to some distant his heels, and that his shirt is over his breeches. object; or, lastly, these distractions proceed from When he is dressed he goes to court, comes into a certain vivacity and fickleness in a man's temper, the drawing-room, and walking bolt-upright under which while it raises up infinite numbers of ideas a branch of candlesticks, his wig is caught up by in the mind, is continually pushing it on, without one of them, and hangs dangling in the air. All allowing it to rest on any particular image. No- the courtiers fall a laughing, but Menalcas laughs thing therefore is more unnatural than the thoughts louder than any of them, and looks about for the and conceptions of such a man, which are seldom person that is the jest of the company. Coming occasioned either by the company he is in, or any down to the court-gate he finds a coach, which of those objects which are placed before him taking for his own, he whips into it: and the While you fancy he is admiring a beautiful woman, coachman drives off, not doubting but he carries it is an even wager that he is solving a proposition his master. As soon as he stops, Menalcas throws in Euclid; and while you may imagine he is read- himself out of the coach, crosses the court, ascends ing the Paris Gazette, it is far from being impos- the stair-case, and runs through all the chambers sible, that he is pulling down and rebuilding the with the greatest familiarity; reposes himself on a front of his country-house. At the same time that I am endeavouring to ex-of the house at last comes in; Menalcas rises to couch, and fancies himself at home. The master pose this weakness in others, I shall readily con- receive him, and desires him to sit down; he talks, fess that I once laboured under the same infirmity muses, and then talks again. The gentleman of myself. The method I took to conquer it was a the house is tired and amazed; Menalcas is no less firm resolution to learn something from whatever so, but is every moment in hopes that his impertiI was obliged to see, or hear. There is a way of nent guest will at last end his tedious visit. Night thinking, if a man can attain to it, by which he comes on, when Menalcas is hardly undeceived. may strike somewhat out of any thing. I can at present observe those starts of good sense and for a full glass of wine and water; it is his turn to When he is playing at backgammon, he calls struggles of unimproved reason in the conversation throw; he has the box in one hand, and his glass of a clown, with as much satisfaction as the most in the other; and being extremely dry, and unwilshining periods of the most finished orator; and ling to lose time, he swallows down both the dice, can make a shift to command my attention at a and at the same time throws his wine into the puppet-show or an opera, as well as at Hamlet or tables. He writes a letter, and flings the sand into Othello. I always make one of the company I the ink-bottle; he writes a second, and mistakes am in; for though I say little myself, my attention the superscription. A nobleman receives one of to others, and those nods of approbation which I them, and upon opening it read as follows: "I never bestow unmerited, sufficiently show that I would have you, honest Jack, immediately upon am among them. though a fellow of good sense, is every day doing the winter." Whereas Will Honeycomb, the receipt of this, take in hay enough to serve me and saying an hundred things, which he afterwards is amazed to see in it, "My lord, I received your His farmer receives the other, and confesses, with a well-bred frankness, were some-grace's commands, with an entire submission to
what mal-à-propos, and undesigned.
If he is at an entertainment, you may see
I chanced the other day to get into a coffee- the pieces of bread continually multiplying round
house, where Will was standing in the midst of several auditors, whom he had gathered round him, and was giving them an account of the person
Some reigning toast of the time, we may suppose.
his plate. It is true the rest of the company want somely to hold the company. Invitations were made it, as well as their knives and forks, which Menal- to very great numbers, but very few accepted them cas does not let them keep long. Sometimes in a without much difficulty. One pleaded, that being morning he puts the whole family in an hurry, and at London, in a bookseller's shop, a lady going by at last goes out without being able to stay for his with a great belly longed to kiss him. He had cercoach or dinner; and for that day you may see him tainly been excused, but that evidence appeared, in every part of the town, except the very place that indeed one in London did pretend she longwhere he had appointed to be upon a business of ed to kiss him, but that it was only a pick-pocket, importance. You would often take him for every who during his kissing her stole away all his mothing that he is not; for a fellow quite stupid, for ney. Another would have got off by a dimple in he hears nothing; for a fool, for he talks to him- his chin; but it was proved upon him, that he had, self, and has an hundred grimaces and motions in by coming into a room, made a woman miscarry, his head, which are altogether involuntary; for a and frightened two children into fits. A third alproud man, for he looks full upon you, and takes leged, that he was taken by a lady for another no notice of your saluting him. The truth of it is, gentleman, who was one of the handsomest in the his eyes are open, but he makes no use of them, university: but upon inquiry it was found that the and neither sees you, nor any man, nor any thing lady had actually lost one eye, and the other was else. He came once from his country-house, and very much upon the decline. A fourth produced his own footman undertook to rob him, and suc- letters out of the country, in his vindication, in ceeded. They held a flambeau to his throat, and which a gentleman offered him his daughter, who bid him deliver his purse; he did so, and coming had lately fallen in love with him, with a good for. home told his friends he had been robbed; they desired to know the particulars. "Ask my servants," said Menalcas," for they were with me." I.
N° 78. WEDNESDAY, MAY 30, 1711.
Cum talis sis, utinam noster esses!
tune: but it was made appear that the young lady was amorous, and had like to have run away with her father's coachman, so that it was supposed, that her pretence of falling in love with him, was only in order to be well married. It was pleasant to hear the several excuses which were made, inso much that some made as much interest to be excused, as they would from serving sheriff; however, at last the society was formed, and proper of ficers were appointed; and the day was fixed for the entertainment, which was in venison season. A pleasant fellow of King's College (commonly THE following letters are so pleasant, that I doubt called Crab, from his sour look, and the only man not but the reader will be as much diverted with who did not pretend to get off) was nominated for them as I was. I have nothing to do in this day's chaplain; and nothing was wanting but some one entertainment, but taking the sentence from the to sit in the elbow chair, by way of president, at end of the Cambridge letter, and placing it at the front of my paper, to show the author I wish him my companion with as much earnestness as he invites me to be his.
Could we but call so great a genius ours!
the upper end of the table; and there the business stuck, for there was no contention for superiority there. This affair made so great a noise, that the king, who was then at Newmarket, heard of it, and was pleased merrily and graciously to say, "He could not be there himself, but he would send them a brace of bucks."
I SEND you the inclosed, to be inserted (if you think them worthy of it) in your Spectators; in 'I would desire you, sir, to set this affair in a which so surprising a genius appears, that it is no true light, that posterity may not be misled in so wonder if all mankind endeavour to get some-important a point: for when the wise man who what into a paper which will always live. shall write your true history shall acquaint the As to the Cambridge affair, the humour was world, that you had a diploma sent from the Ugly really carried on in the way I describe it. How-club at Oxford, and that by virtue of it you were ever, you have a full commission to put out or in, admitted into it, what a learned war will there be and to do whatever you think fit with it. I have among future critics about the original of that club, already had the satisfaction of seeing you take that which both universities will contend so warmly liberty with some things I have before sent you. for? And perhaps some hardy Cantabrigian author Go on, sir, and prosper. You have the best wishes may then boldly affirm, that the word Oxford was
'Your very affectionate,
'And obliged humble servant."*
an interpolation of some Oxonian instead of Cambridge. This affair will be best adjusted in your lifetime; but I hope your affection to your mother will not make you partial to your aunt.
To tell you, sir, my own opinion: though I You well know it is of great consequence to cannot find any ancient records of any acts of the clear titles, and it is of importance that it be done society of the Ugly Faces, considered in a public in the proper season; on which account, this is to capacity; yet, in a private one, they have cer assure you, that the club of Ugly Faces was insti-tainly antiquity on their side. I am persuaded tuted originally at Cambridge, in the merry reign they will hardly give place to the Loungers, and of king Charles II. As in great bodies of men it is the Loungers are of the same standing with the not difficult to find members enough for such a club, university itself.
so (I remember) it was then feared, upon their in- Though we well know, sir, you want no mo. tention of dining together, that the hall belonging tives to do justice, yet I am commissioned to tell to Clare hall, (the ugliest then in the town, though you that you are invited to be admitted ad eundem now the neatest) would not be large enough hand-at Cambridge; and I believe I may venture safely to deliver this as the wish of our whole university."
Supposed to be from Mr. Eusden, of Trinity-college, Cambridge, afterwards poet-laureat.
*See No. 54
peared he long pocke his me
'TO MR. SPECTATOR,
The humble Petition of WHO and WHICH,
angry with me for abridging their pleasures, and looking severely upon things in themselves indifferent. But I think they are extremely unjust to me in this imputation. All I contend for is, that those excellencies, which are to be regarded but 'TRAT your petitioners, being in a forlorn and in the second place, should not precede more destitute condition, know not to whom we should weighty considerations. The heart of man deceives apply ourselves for relief, because there is hardly him in spite of the lectures of half a life spent in any man alive who hath not injured us. Nay, we discourses on the subjection of passion; and I do speak it with sorrow, even you yourself, whom we not know why one may not think the heart of woshould suspect of such a practice the last of all man as unfaithful to itself. If we grant an equality mankind, can hardly acquit yourself of having in the faculties of both sexes, the minds of women given us some cause of complaint. We are de-are less cultivated with precepts, and consequentscended of ancient families, and kept up our dig-ly may, without disrespect to them, be accounted nity and honour many years, till the jack-sprat more liable to illusion, in cases wherein natural THAT supplanted us. How often have we found inclination is out of the interest of virtue. I shall ourselves slighted by the clergy in the pulpits, take up my present time in commenting upon a and the lawyers at the bar. Nay, how often have billet or two which came from ladies, and from we heard, in one of the most polite and august thence leave the reader to judge whether I am in assemblies in the universe, to our great mortifica- the right or not, in thinking it is possible fine wotion, these words, "That THAT that noble lord men may be mistaken. The following address urged:" which if one of us had had justice done, seems to have no other design in it, but to tell me would have sounded nobler thus, "that WHICH that the writer will do what she pleases for all me. noble lord urged." Senates themselves, the guarMR. SPECTATOR,
dians of British liberty, have degraded us, and
preferred THAT to us; and yet no decree was 'I Am young, and very much inclined to follow the ever given against us. In the very acts of parlia-paths of innocence; but at the same time, as I ment, in which the utmost right should be done to have a plentiful fortune, and am of quality, I am every body, word, and thing, we find ourselves unwilling to resign the pleasures of distinction, often either not used, or used one instead of an- some little satisfaction in being admired in general, other. In the first and best prayer children are and much greater in being beloved by a gentleman taught, they learn to misuse us; Our Father whom I design to make my husband. But I have WHICH art in heaven," should be, "Our Father who a mind to put off entering into matrimony till anart in heaven," and even a Convocation, after long other winter is over my head, which (whatever, debates, refused to consent to an alteration of it. musty Sir, you may think of the matter) I design In our general Confession we say," Spare thou to pass away in hearing music, going to plays, vithem, O God, WHICH confess their faults," which siting, and all other satisfactions which fortune ought to be "who confess their faults." What and youth, protected by innocence and virtue, can hopes then have we of having justice done us, procure for, SIR, when the makers of our very prayers and laws, and the most learned in all faculties, seem to be in a confederacy against us, and our enemies themselves must be our judges?
Your most humble servant,
'My lover does not know I like him; therefore, having no engagements upon me, I think to stay and know whether I may like any one else better.'
The Spanish proverb says, “El sabio muda contejo, el necio no; i. e. A wise man changes his mind, a fool never will." So that we think you, sir, a very proper person to address to, since we know I have heard Will Honeycomb say, 'A woman you to be capable of being convinced, and chang-seldom writes her mind but in her postscript.' I ing your judgment. You are well able to settle think this gentlewoman has sufficiently discovered this affair, and to you we submit our cause. desire you to assign the butts and bounds of each against her present favourite, and can tell her that We hers in this. I will lay what wager she pleases of us; and that for the future we may both enjoy she will like ten more before she is fixed, and then our own. We would desire to be heard by our will take the worst man she ever liked in her life. counsel, but that we fear in their very pleadings There is no end of affection taken in at the eyes they would betray our cause: besides, we have only; and you may as well satisfy those eyes with been oppressed so many years, that we can ap- seeing, as control any passion received by them pear no other way but in forma pauperis. All only. It is from loving by sight, that coxcombs so which considered, we hope you will be pleased frequently succeed with women, and very often a to do that which to right and justice shall apper-young lady is bestowed by her parents to a man who weds her as innocence itself, though she has, in her own heart, given her approbation of a dif. ferent man in every assembly she was in the whole year before. What is wanting among women as well as among men, is the love of laudable things, and not to rest only in the forbearance of such as are reproachful.
'And your petitioners, &c.'
No 79. THURSDAY, MAY 31, 1711.
Oderunt peccare boni virtutis amore.
I HATE received very many letters of late from my
How far removed from a woman of this light imagination is Eudosia! Eudosia has all the arts of life and good-breeding with so much ease, that the virtue of her conduct looks more like instinct than choice. It is as little difficult to her to think justly of persons and things, as it is to a woman of dif ferent accomplishments to move ill or look awk.
ward. That which was, at first, the effect of in- in nature, but that (as her silly phrase is) "no one struction, is grown into an habit; and it would be can say black is her eye." She has no secrets, as hard for Eudosia to indulge a wrong suggestion forsooth, which should make her afraid to speak of thought, as it would be to Flavia, the fine dancer, her mind, and therefore she is impertinently blunt to come into a room with an unbecoming air. to all her acquaintance, and unseasonably imperiBut the misapprehensions people themselves pus to all her family. Dear sir, be pleased to put have of their own state of mind, is laid down with such books into our hands, as may make our virtue much discerning in the following letter, which is more inward, and convince some of us, that in a but an extract of a kind epistle from my charming mind truly virtuous, the scorn of vice is always acmistress Hecatissa, who is above the vanity of ex-companied with the pity of it. This and other ternal beauty, and is the better judge of the per-things are impatiently expected from you by our fections of the mind. whole sex; among the rest by, SIR, "Your most humble servant,
N° 80. FRIDAY, JUNE 1, 1711.
Cælum non animum mutant qui trans mare currunt.
"I WRITE this to acquaint you, that very many ladies, as well as myself, spend many hours more than we used at the glass, for want of the female library, of which you promised us a catalogue. I hope, sir, in the choice of authors for us, you will have a particular regard to books of devotion. What they are, and how many, must be your chief care; for upon the propriety of such writings depends a great deal. I have known those among us who think, if they every morning and evening spend an hour in their closet, and read over so many prayers In the year 1688, and on the same day of that year, in six or seven books of devotion, all equally non- were born in Cheapside, London, two females, of sensical, with a sort of warmth, (that might as well exquisite feature and shape; the one we shall call be raised by a glass of wine, or a dram of citron) Brunetta, the other Phillis. A close intimacy bethey may all the rest of their time go on in what-tween their parents made each of them the first ever their particular passion leads them to. The acquaintance the other knew in the world. They beauteous Philautia, who is, (in your language) an played, dressed babies, acted visitings, learned to Idol, is one of these votaries; she has a very pretty dance and make courtesies together. They were furnished closet, to which she retires at her ap-inseparable companions in all the little entertainpointed hours. This is her dressing-room, as well as chapel; she has constantly before her a large looking-glass; and upon the table, according to very witty author,
"Together lie her prayer-book and paint,
ments their tender years were capable of: which innocent happiness continued until the beginning of their fifteenth year, when it happened that Phillis had an head-dress on, which became her so very well, that instead of being beheld any more with pleasure for their amity to each other, the eyes of the neighbourhood were turned to remark them, It must be a good scene, if one could be pre- with comparison of their beauty. They now no sent at it, to see this Idol by turns lift up her eyes longer enjoyed the ease of mind and pleasing indoto heaven, and steal glances at her own dear per-lence in which they were formerly happy; but all son. It cannot but be a pleasing conflict between their words and actions were misinterpreted by vanity and humiliation. When you are upon this each other, and every excellence in their speech subject, choose books which elevate the mind above and behaviour was looked upon as an act of emuthe world, and give a pleasing indifference to little lation to surpass the other. These beginnings of things in it. For want of such instructions I am disinclination soon improved into a formality of apt to believe so many people take it in their behaviour, a general coldness, and by natural steps heads to be sullen, cross, and angry, under pre-into an irreconcilable hatred.
tence of being abstracted from the affairs of this These two rivals for the reputation of beauty, life, when at the same time they betray their fond-were in their stature, countenance, and mien, so ness for them by doing their duty as a task, and very much alike, that if you were speaking of pouting and reading good books for a week togethem in their absence, the words in which you dether. Much of this I take to proceed from the in-scribed the one must give you an idea of the other. discretion of the books themselves, whose very They were hardly distinguishable, you would think, titles of Weekly Preparations, and such limited when they were apart, though extremely different godliness, lead people of ordinary capacities into when together. What made their enmity the more great errors, and raise in them a mechanical reli-entertaining to all the rest of their sex was, that in gion, entirely distinct from morality. I know a detraction from each other, neither could fall upon lady so given up to this sort of devotion, that terms which did not hit herself as much as her ad though she employs six or eight hours of the versary. Their nights grew restless with medita twenty-four at cards, she never misses one constant tion of new dresses to outvie each other, and inhour of prayer, for which time another holds her venting new devices to recal admirers, who obcards, to which she returns with no little anxious- served the charms of the one rather than those of ness till two or three in the morning. All these the other, on the last meeting. Their colours failed acts are but empty shows, and, as it were, compli- at each other's appearance, flushed with pleasure ments made to virtue; the mind is all the while at the report of a disadvantage, and their coununtouched with any true pleasure in the pursuit tenances withered upon instances of applause. of it. From hence I presume it arises, that so The decencies to which women are obliged, made many people call themselves virtuous, from no these virgins stifle their resentment so far as not to other pretence to it but an absence of ill. There break into open violences, while they equally sufis Dulcianara the most insolent of all creatures to fered the torments of a regulated anger Their her friends and domestics, upon no other pretence mothers, as it is usual, engaged in the quarrel, and
supported the several pretensions of their daugh- (came to herself, she fled from her husband's house,
After the above melancholy narration, it may
'TO MR. SPECTATOR.
During this constant struggle, it happened, that Phillis one day at public prayers smote the heart of a gay West Indian, who appeared in all the colours which can affect an eye that could not dis"The just Remonstrance of affronted THAT. tinguish between being fine and tawdry. This THOUGH I deny not the petition of Mr. WHO and American, in a summer-island suit, was too shining WHICH, yet you should not suffer them to be and too gay to be resisted by Phillis, and too inrude, and to call honest people names; for that tent upon her charms to be diverted by any of the bears very hard on some of those rules of decency laboured attractions of Brunetta. Soon after, Bru- which you are justly famous for establishing. They netta had the mortification to see her rival disposed may find fault, and correct speeches in the senate, of in a wealthy marriage, while she was only ad. and at the bar; but let them try to get themselves dressed to in a manner that showed she was the ad-so often and with so much eloquence repeated in miration of all men, but the choice of none. Phil. a sentence, as a great orator doth frequently introlis was carried to the habitation of her spouse induce me. Barbadoes. Brunetta had the ill-nature to inquire
What great advantage was I of to Mr. Dry
"You force me still to answer you in That,"
My lords! (says he) with humble submission, for her by every opportunity, and had the misfor-That That I say is this; That, That That That gentune to hear of her being attended by numerous tleman has advanced, is not That That he should slaves, fanned into slumbers by successive bands of have proved to your lordships. Let those two them, and carried from place to place in all the questionary petitioners try to do thus with their pomp of barbarous magnificence. Brunetta could Who's and their Whiches. not endure these repeated advices, but employed all her arts and charms in laying baits for any of den in his Indian Emperor, condition of the same island, out of a mere ambition to confront her once more before she died. to furnish out a rhyme to Morat? And what a poor She at last succeeded in her design, and was taken figure would Mr. Bayes have made without his to wife by a gentleman whose estate was contiguous to that of her enemy's husband. It would distinguish one thing from another, without saying, Egad and all That!" How can a judicious man be endless to enumerate the many occasions on This here," or "That there?" And how can a which these irreconcilable beauties laboured to sober man, without using the expletives of oaths, excel each other; but in process of time it hap-(in which, indeed, the rakes and bullies have a pened, that a ship put into the island consigned to afriend of Phillis, who had directions to give her great advantage over others) make a discourse.of the refusal of all goods for apparel, before Bru-he be a very grave man indeed, without "That is any tolerable length, without "That is;" and if netta could be alarmed of their arrival. He did to say?" And how instructive as well as entertain50, and Phillis was dressed in a few days in a bro-ing are those usual expressions in the mouths of cade more gorgeous and costly than had ever be great men, fore appeared in that latitude. Brunetta lan-like of That." Such things as That," and "The guished at the sight, and could by no means come up to the bravery of her antagonist. She commu-speech you mention, and own there are proper I am not against reforming the corruptions of cated her anguish of mind to a faithful friend, seasons for the introduction of other words besides who by an interest in the wife of Phillis's mer That; but I scorn as much to supply the place of chant, procured a remnant of the same silk for a Who or a Which at every turn, as they are uneBrunetta. Phillis took pains to appear in all public qual always to fill mine; and I expect good lanplaces where she was sure to meet Brunetta; Bru-guage and civil treatment, and hope to receive it hetta was now prepared for the insult, and came to for the future: That, That I shall only add is, That a public ball in a plain black silk mantua, attended am a beautiful negro girl in a petticoat of the same brocade with which Phillis was attired. This drew the attention of the whole company, upon which the unhappy Phillis swooned away, aud was immediately conveyed to her house.
As soon as she